Inspiration struck while watching Desperate Housewives and I couldn't help myself.....
The world is filled with good fathers,
But how do we recognise them?
They're the ones who are stern and hard on the outside,
But inside, they're warm, loving and yes, unmanly soft,
They're the ones who wait anxiously when you're back late,
then threaten to ground you for life for causing your mum to worry,
They're the ones who loved us plenty,
listened for our heartbeat,
even before we ever arrived,
They're the ones who fights adversaries for us,
from monsters under the bed to tattooed thugs,
They're the ones who admonish your brother for teasing you,
then promptly gangs up with him to continue ,
They're the ones who scolds you sternly in front of mum,
then send you a conspiratorial wink when she turns around,
They're the ones who tell you over and over again to learn to be independant,
but call you 3 times a day to find out whether you're O.K,
They're the ones who are busy busy and busy,
yet there seems to be an eternity of time made available for his little ones,
They're the ones God sent to guide us,
guardian angels who light the path for us,
But most af all,
They're the ones who try their utmost to be good fathers,
not knowing that the battle had already been won,
and they were the Victors.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Letting go
There are things we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind, but letting go doesn't mean the end of the world, it's the beginning of a new life
It's that phase where a majority of us all dread. When we try to put on a brave front but inside, we're reeling. It's that inevitable phase where mothers' realise that their little ones have grown up and it's time. It's time for them to spread their wings and embark on a new journey. To explore and come across new lands and discoveries. It's also the part where fairytales come to an end. It's hard I guess. But it's unavoidable.
Why is it that letting go is so hard to do? My mum has friends who keep going.."Oh, you can actually bear to see your daughter off to study? I'll never be able to do that...it's hard la". And I begin to wonder. Letting go is a part of life. It's something we're all braced for in some way or other. Be it in a relationship or in this instance, when a child grows up and it's time to leave home. I mean, how long do you expect your child to always remain a child? If a mother bird doesn't let it's young spread their wings and leave the nest, then well, birds wouldn't be able to learn how to fly would they? And when it applies to migratory birds, those little ones wouldn't be able to stand up for themselves in self-preserverence. Besides, birds just don't spread their wings and voila ! they're expert pilots. No, they fall, they pick themselves up again, and they try, over and over and over again. It's disheartening to watch, but I think it's that little thing we so loosely term 'growing up'.
Of course, I understand how tough it can be at times. Time sure flies sometimes doesn't it? I've heard parents sighing when their 'little monsters' race around madly, biting each other, screaming and kicking and they'd shake their heads and go, " I just can't wait for you to grow up"..On the other hand, I think more often than not, parents look at their little ones and they think "Boy, I wish time would stop right now, and you stay like this for some time. " And before you know it, those little toddlers who used to drag their tiny little feet, dragging their favourite toy of the moment in their wake, are replaced by moody teenagers, dragging their feet along as you bellow at them to clean up their rooms or make their beds. Then, before you realise it, those same rebellious teens shrug off their indifference, and regale you with hopes, dreams and aspirations to become doctors, engineers, designers, pilots and every other thing imaginable that'll moist proud mamas' eyes even as they realise that no more would they be able to continue on this journey with their kids. It's when they know that 'letting go' is the next big step they'd have to brave.
Seriously though, I think that the whole letting go thing has been implemented gradually. When a baby first learns to walk, that's the first part of letting go. It's that urge of wanting to rush forward and clasp his tiny little fist everytime he falls. But you know you have to let go and let him pick himself up and learn. It's that first step he takes into nursery and he clings onto your legs, but no matter how heart-wrenching it may be, you pry his little fingers off, and let go. Now, he's asking to go off and make a man of himself, and you let go, let go even as you try to blink away those incipient tears.
There's this saying that goes round, you'll never know how your parents feel until you have kids of your own. Well, that's a long way in coming for me, but personally, I think I can quite imagine. Still, I myself have been guilty of first degree obstinance and rebellion. In self-defense, I'd reiterate by saying, all part and parcel of growing up. But I do wonder how it feels like on the other side of the line. The receiving end of it.
Anyway, this post has been a mumbo-jumbo of mixed topics. So, picking up from where I was before I digressed, I think it's undeniable that letting go is indeed a tear-jerking event. But, thank God for modern day technology, it's easy for parents to keep in touch with their kids. People can be separated by miles and miles of sea and land but yet, with a few wires, a few techie aplliances and it's as if they're already in the same room. Wonder how our ancestors got by. But then again, in those days kids probably didn't travel any further than the next town. With that, I think I'd end this post.
It's that phase where a majority of us all dread. When we try to put on a brave front but inside, we're reeling. It's that inevitable phase where mothers' realise that their little ones have grown up and it's time. It's time for them to spread their wings and embark on a new journey. To explore and come across new lands and discoveries. It's also the part where fairytales come to an end. It's hard I guess. But it's unavoidable.
Why is it that letting go is so hard to do? My mum has friends who keep going.."Oh, you can actually bear to see your daughter off to study? I'll never be able to do that...it's hard la". And I begin to wonder. Letting go is a part of life. It's something we're all braced for in some way or other. Be it in a relationship or in this instance, when a child grows up and it's time to leave home. I mean, how long do you expect your child to always remain a child? If a mother bird doesn't let it's young spread their wings and leave the nest, then well, birds wouldn't be able to learn how to fly would they? And when it applies to migratory birds, those little ones wouldn't be able to stand up for themselves in self-preserverence. Besides, birds just don't spread their wings and voila ! they're expert pilots. No, they fall, they pick themselves up again, and they try, over and over and over again. It's disheartening to watch, but I think it's that little thing we so loosely term 'growing up'.
Of course, I understand how tough it can be at times. Time sure flies sometimes doesn't it? I've heard parents sighing when their 'little monsters' race around madly, biting each other, screaming and kicking and they'd shake their heads and go, " I just can't wait for you to grow up"..On the other hand, I think more often than not, parents look at their little ones and they think "Boy, I wish time would stop right now, and you stay like this for some time. " And before you know it, those little toddlers who used to drag their tiny little feet, dragging their favourite toy of the moment in their wake, are replaced by moody teenagers, dragging their feet along as you bellow at them to clean up their rooms or make their beds. Then, before you realise it, those same rebellious teens shrug off their indifference, and regale you with hopes, dreams and aspirations to become doctors, engineers, designers, pilots and every other thing imaginable that'll moist proud mamas' eyes even as they realise that no more would they be able to continue on this journey with their kids. It's when they know that 'letting go' is the next big step they'd have to brave.
Seriously though, I think that the whole letting go thing has been implemented gradually. When a baby first learns to walk, that's the first part of letting go. It's that urge of wanting to rush forward and clasp his tiny little fist everytime he falls. But you know you have to let go and let him pick himself up and learn. It's that first step he takes into nursery and he clings onto your legs, but no matter how heart-wrenching it may be, you pry his little fingers off, and let go. Now, he's asking to go off and make a man of himself, and you let go, let go even as you try to blink away those incipient tears.
There's this saying that goes round, you'll never know how your parents feel until you have kids of your own. Well, that's a long way in coming for me, but personally, I think I can quite imagine. Still, I myself have been guilty of first degree obstinance and rebellion. In self-defense, I'd reiterate by saying, all part and parcel of growing up. But I do wonder how it feels like on the other side of the line. The receiving end of it.
Anyway, this post has been a mumbo-jumbo of mixed topics. So, picking up from where I was before I digressed, I think it's undeniable that letting go is indeed a tear-jerking event. But, thank God for modern day technology, it's easy for parents to keep in touch with their kids. People can be separated by miles and miles of sea and land but yet, with a few wires, a few techie aplliances and it's as if they're already in the same room. Wonder how our ancestors got by. But then again, in those days kids probably didn't travel any further than the next town. With that, I think I'd end this post.
Monday, April 17, 2006
The pain
The pain of the mind is worse than the pain of the body - Publilius SyrusIt's impossible to fathom. You shake your head trying to deny the thoughts that are lurking there. You keep screaming "No !" in your mind even as your heart realises the fact. Recognises it. Like a shard of glass searing all other thoughts.
You close your eyes, but the hard, cold reality is there. Ever there. Like a fugitive, you try to run away from it. But the faster you run, it seems to only be keeping close to your heels. You turn away from it, but it faces you in the face every time. Wildly, you look for a way out, but the escape evades you. You feel the dreams and fantasies you had of life slipping through your fingertips. Slowly, achingly and surely.
You look around at the familiar faces surrounding you but you only see strangers. You search hard for something you recognise but you seem to find none. Like a mirage, they blur before you. Fading away. It is brutal. But it is also that brutality that lets you know you're still alive, because it pierces through the numbness you made yourself feel. It invades the sanctuary in which you seek solace in, away from the facts.
The pain is there. Ever insistent to let you know of it's cruel existence. It grips and twists around your heart. Steel manacles that latches onto your most sensitive nerves. Upending them. You're nothing but a jangled mass of mixed emotions. Of pent-up rage you try hard to contain, but as each fact sets in, you lose control.Notch by notch. You cling tenaciously to wit's end. Praying and hoping that all this is just a dream. An evil one. But no, it's real. It's real because you run but keep tripping over those same feelings you're fleeing from. And each time you fall, the pain magnifies. Intensifies. Until those tears you tried so hard to keep inside starts to spill. Bringing with it the release of that evil monster you were running from but couldn't hide from. Unleashed, it does more damage. Like an ocean of icy cold water, it douses the fire and passion for life that fueled you and kept you going. Tears pour from your soul, streaking white hot paths down your cheeks as you confront 'it'. You look it in the eye. The tormented facing the tormentor.
It takes an effort, but you force yourself to sleep. Fitful, dreamless sleep. For a while, it seems as if the transparent sheet of glass separating you and shielding you from the realities out there has crashed to the ground. Shards of broken glass are all that's left of the security you once felt.
But as the first beams of sunrise peek from behind those clouds and morning dawns, the truth glimmers at you the way sunlight glints off the edges of those sharp glass, bringing with it a flicker of hope. You avert your eyes from it but it doesn't deny the fact that it's there. But, you bolster up your courage and try to piece together the scattered pieces of the puzzle. Time heals all wounds, but like a piece of broken glass pieced together, the scars still remain. A reminder of that pain you felt so deep. A token of your bravery in picking up the pieces of your life after that. Memories of those who kept by your side. Keeping a silent vigil over you. Trying to infuse their own strength and spirit into yours. They too, felt a fragment of your pain, but only you know the magnitude of it because you got the brunt of it all. Of misplaced trust. Of misconstrued care. The events that led to that inevitable pain. The pain, of betrayal.
Friday, April 14, 2006
When it rains
Without love, what is life? - Long, long way to go, Def Leppard
When it rains, what do you do? Besides, running out to collect the clothes, that is.
Whenever it rains and pours, it's nice to sit down and listen to it. As it splatters on the gravel, the little pitter-pattering on the window panes, as it flows down slopy grounds, it's one of the best music that Mother Nature has ever orchestrated. Ever realise how clear everything is after the rain? The trees seem greener, the sky looks bluer than ever, the air smells fresh with that earthy smell that the rain brings, rainbows may peek out, prisms of colour framing fluffy white clouds. It's as if everything comes to life again.
One thing I like to do when it rains, is to think, really explore the hidden depths of my mind and dig out whatever thoughts there are in there, turn it round and round, scrutinize the many facets of it, and later dispose of it. I've been more of a thinker than anything else, and today's one of those days, it's raining now, a mere drizzle no doubt, but it's comforting as I let it envelope me. Ensconced in it's soothing rhythm. With 'popera' lending it's deep, velvety, rich melody to it all, it's a beautiful day to sit and ponder.
They say that if you want to see the rainbow, you must first endure the rain. Well, I think the rain isn't too much to bear is it? Anyway, all this talk of rain and all has it's purpose. Today's quote led me to do some thinking. It's a song I've listened to lots of times before, but it's only today that this line hit me. Without love, what is life. Well, there are lots of other things to life other than lost love. Of course, the sting is there initially, but after that, I really don't understand all the fuss people make because of it. They wallow in self pity, refuse to eat, cry their eyes out, cry themselves to sleep and cry when they wake up because they think life is too unbearable without 'love'. Note, I'm talking about the love that couples share, not the familial love. That love, is ever consistent, I think that no matter, the love your family lavishes on you is the most unique, exquisite kind. That love, will never change, it only grows deeper each day, as it blooms into bouquets after bouquets of undying love.
Anyway, back to where I was before I digressed. I think it's very silly to expect the sun to stop shining, the seas to stop reaching the shores, the earth to stop spinning and you to stop existing simply because of something past. In fact, it's sad, very sad that most 'love songs' are about love lost. About wanting to cry, to drink into oblivion, to not live anymore, of dying spirits and broken hearts left unmended....isn't it extremely depressing and a tad selfish at the same time. There are more important things in the world, there are people dying of hunger, malnutrition, losing loved ones in wars, children suddenly losing the security of what they held dear, children having to take all kinds of abuse because they're vulnerable and defenseless and here we are, singing of something trivial in comparison. Why is it that they fight to survive every day and can carry on living, but we don't want to continue living and think the world has to come to an end simply because things didn't turn out the way we wanted it to? Who are the real heroes here? Who needs more empathy but who's getting more sympathy most of the time? Besides that, why do we endlessly allow someone to put our emotions at the end of yo-yos and play with it?
Revenge is sweet they say. But, the best revenge is in living life to the most, to be happy and to prove to the world that though you're bruised, you're unscathed. These experiences only make you stronger. It enriches your mind and feeds your soul. It's alright to feel the pain, it's only human. But, after that, lift your chins, dry those tears, and look around you. There are so many beautiful things around us. Things we missed because we were too busy looking for something else. Things that have always been there for us. Besides that, what's the use of pining over something that has never been there in the first place. I'm dedicating this post to a few close friends who share my thoughts. A guy who makes you cry isn't worth it and a guy who's worth it will never make you cry. When they say that a broken heart never mends, I beg to differ. It depends on where you look for the cure. Why go back to the person who caused it to let it be broken again? There are tons of other people who love you for who you are, and they'll be there for you no matter what. They'll mend your heart when they give you a part of theirs. And, there's always the unconditional love God has for his children. I think that if you're bleeding, God feels the pain for you, even more than you do yourself. He'll heal you, He'll put that smile back on your lips, and you'll find your laughter again in due time. He'll send his angels in the form of your family and friends. And he'll mend your broken wings, so you may fly high once again. I think the greatest love comes in this equation...
1 cross
+3 nails
--------------
4 given
Before that, have a blessed Good Friday. Remember God's great grace and undying, unconditional love for each and every one of us. He is our Father in heaven and on earth. Besides, may rainbows lift your woes after every 'rain'.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
The value of laughter
Yesterday is but a vision, tomorrow, a dream. But today well lived makes every yesterday dreams of happiness and every tomorrow dreams of hope.
You were once a part of me, but then I got busy with more 'important' things and I forgot you. I thought I was happy just because I could smile though the smile never really reached my eyes. It was only some time later that I realised how important you were to me. You're the sun in my skies and the rainbow after the rain. So now, I spend more time with you. God gave everyone of us one of you. I wonder how I could have lived without you. Laughter.
I think laughter is that one thing a lot of us underestimate. It's undeniably one of the many things we take for granted. What would happen if one day, this world was free of laughter? Wouldn't it be sorely missed? Isn't laughter just the best miracle drug that gives us a natural high? It's that rumble that starts from the stomach, spreads all the way up and sparkles and winks from the eyes.
Alright, so why am I writing about this, you may ask. Frankly, I don't really know. It just struck me that laughter is that one thing that contributes to happiness. I mean have you seen a happy person looking grim and sour and black clouds seem to be hanging around his head? I think the person who laughs the least, needs it the most. They say "smile, like you mean it", but it's hard to laugh and not mean it. So, let's all just laugh and be happy for a while. Be it a jolly ho! ho! ho! like Santa or a rusty cackle, it's our heart singing in joy.
Anyway, Josh just came back home some time back sporting a new haircut. Haha, it seems his unruly curls are just a bit too much to handle. And, it also proves another theory. Teachers are meant to be teachers and not hairdressers or barbers. Right now, he's gone to a real hairdresser to get the mop of his hair chopped off professionally this time. He said he looked like those indigenous people. I thought he looked well, like the masterpiece one gets when you trust a pair of shears in the hands of a deliberately inept 'hairdresser'. He'll be back anytime soon, seems he wants his new hairdo to be about 1mm 'long'. So, I've got to get my ruler ready, hide my smile and hopefully suppress the laughter bound to rise. And oh yeah, do him the liberty of finding him his cap. Ain't I just a 'good' and 'supportive' sister? But shucks, he'll still be Josh, a lighter-headed one no doubt.
On a total change of subject, wouldn't it just be crushing if you told someone 'I Love You' and that person replies "Thank you' ? Maybe that's the fear that's keeping people from telling their loved ones that. But which is worse? Regretting not saying it at all or regretting the answer but not the fact that it's flushed out of your system? Probably that explains why there's this saying "If you love somebody, tell them. You never know what tomorrow brings. " So, if you're reading this now and wondering, yes, I Love You. And please, spare me your gratitude this time. And don't bother being polite and thanking me. ; D
I'm off for my daily dose of daydreaming. Ciao !
You were once a part of me, but then I got busy with more 'important' things and I forgot you. I thought I was happy just because I could smile though the smile never really reached my eyes. It was only some time later that I realised how important you were to me. You're the sun in my skies and the rainbow after the rain. So now, I spend more time with you. God gave everyone of us one of you. I wonder how I could have lived without you. Laughter.
I think laughter is that one thing a lot of us underestimate. It's undeniably one of the many things we take for granted. What would happen if one day, this world was free of laughter? Wouldn't it be sorely missed? Isn't laughter just the best miracle drug that gives us a natural high? It's that rumble that starts from the stomach, spreads all the way up and sparkles and winks from the eyes.
Alright, so why am I writing about this, you may ask. Frankly, I don't really know. It just struck me that laughter is that one thing that contributes to happiness. I mean have you seen a happy person looking grim and sour and black clouds seem to be hanging around his head? I think the person who laughs the least, needs it the most. They say "smile, like you mean it", but it's hard to laugh and not mean it. So, let's all just laugh and be happy for a while. Be it a jolly ho! ho! ho! like Santa or a rusty cackle, it's our heart singing in joy.
Anyway, Josh just came back home some time back sporting a new haircut. Haha, it seems his unruly curls are just a bit too much to handle. And, it also proves another theory. Teachers are meant to be teachers and not hairdressers or barbers. Right now, he's gone to a real hairdresser to get the mop of his hair chopped off professionally this time. He said he looked like those indigenous people. I thought he looked well, like the masterpiece one gets when you trust a pair of shears in the hands of a deliberately inept 'hairdresser'. He'll be back anytime soon, seems he wants his new hairdo to be about 1mm 'long'. So, I've got to get my ruler ready, hide my smile and hopefully suppress the laughter bound to rise. And oh yeah, do him the liberty of finding him his cap. Ain't I just a 'good' and 'supportive' sister? But shucks, he'll still be Josh, a lighter-headed one no doubt.
On a total change of subject, wouldn't it just be crushing if you told someone 'I Love You' and that person replies "Thank you' ? Maybe that's the fear that's keeping people from telling their loved ones that. But which is worse? Regretting not saying it at all or regretting the answer but not the fact that it's flushed out of your system? Probably that explains why there's this saying "If you love somebody, tell them. You never know what tomorrow brings. " So, if you're reading this now and wondering, yes, I Love You. And please, spare me your gratitude this time. And don't bother being polite and thanking me. ; D
I'm off for my daily dose of daydreaming. Ciao !
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Memories, imprints and footprints
Memories are the mind's photo album that reminds you of the little nooks and corners of your heart that you may have forgotten to remember - Joanna
I was pondering about certain things today. If all goes well, I'll be leaving soon for college. Leaving the things I love, cherish and am familiar with behind while I embark on this new journey. I shall miss all the things which were an integral part of my life. I shall miss the familiar faces and places I hold dear to my heart. It was then that I wondered, what will I be missed for? Will I even be missed? They say it's important to leave a lasting impression on your future employer or someone you want to well, impress... but I think it's also important to be a lasting memory and be an imprint in the hearts of those who matter. Thomas Edison is the reason why you're able to read this and see things in the dark, Einstein will be remembered for his genius, Colonel Sanders will come to mind whenever we think of KFC, Newton told us why we don't float around instead of walk, but what will people think of when they think of me?
I may never know the answer to that, but, I certainly remember the many things that mattered enough because the people who created those memories mattered to me, those who had visited my heart, decorated it and signed my guestbook. So,
Do you remember when I used to come home and subject you to the torture of listening to my childish chatter? From what I ate to what I did in school, I'd give you a lengthy dissertation of my day.
Do you remember the times we'd play silly games in the car and laugh at our own silly jokes? We used to have 'Queen's' and 'King's' day and whoever was 'coronated' got to pick the tv channels.
Do you remember the time when we used to go by the name 'The Three Musketeers'? One for all and all for one. One musketeer's gone to become a heroine (wirawati) while the other two are waiting to be rescued from boredom.
Do you remember the big family of sisters we had? In the name of sisterhood, we had a family 'portrait' drawn with all the 'sisters' labeled.
Do you remember the little terrors we were ? Trampling around our class's mini garden, creating our own herbal medicines? The times we snuck out of class because Art was too boring to us? We were already 'artistically' making flower cups out of leaves.
Do you remember the secret handwriting we had? It's unbelievable how after 6 years, every alphabet's still fresh in my memory. I know you remember too ! *wink*
Do you remember going to the library every recess time so that we could borrow books? You would read those mystery stories and finish them within a day while I looked on in amazement.
Do you remember the 'sei tai tin wong' ? I never knew what that means but I'm sure it's something good since it was such a blessing to be a part of it. Oh ya, and the 'dinner' Pn. Chan was supposed to give us.
Do you remember those times when my brother would be me and I be him on the phone because we used to sound so alike.
Do you remember the times when we would yak away as if there was no tomorrow? It's amazing how we never run out of things to talk about.
Do you remember the 'ghosts' we thought resided in out school? The times we ran from the toilet and shushed each other every time we went to the bookshop because it was near the graveyard?
Do you remember eating sweets in class and painting our nails although we knew very well how wrong we were. I still can't believe we did it.
Do you remember pretending we were studying and paying rapt attention when we were actually passing notes under the desk or else sleeping ?
Do you remember telling me I'll never get over 'it' and instead of crying I burst out laughing? Your frankness always gets the better of me. Maybe a little insanity rubbed off on me.
Do you remember the times when we would sit down and talk about love? If it even exists and what would happen if your heart got broken? I'll always be there for you and I hope you'll be there for me too. We'll be the glue mending each other's heart and with a sprinkle of friendship and star dust, the crack will seal and heal.
Do you remember laughing at witty quotes and staying up late to crap?
Do you remember all that and more? I do and always will. You have left imprints in my mind and footprints all over my heart. Pictures may fade away, but memories never will. They, last forever. And no matter how far away from each other we may be, the distance between us will never be enough to distant you from my thoughts and my heart.
I was pondering about certain things today. If all goes well, I'll be leaving soon for college. Leaving the things I love, cherish and am familiar with behind while I embark on this new journey. I shall miss all the things which were an integral part of my life. I shall miss the familiar faces and places I hold dear to my heart. It was then that I wondered, what will I be missed for? Will I even be missed? They say it's important to leave a lasting impression on your future employer or someone you want to well, impress... but I think it's also important to be a lasting memory and be an imprint in the hearts of those who matter. Thomas Edison is the reason why you're able to read this and see things in the dark, Einstein will be remembered for his genius, Colonel Sanders will come to mind whenever we think of KFC, Newton told us why we don't float around instead of walk, but what will people think of when they think of me?
I may never know the answer to that, but, I certainly remember the many things that mattered enough because the people who created those memories mattered to me, those who had visited my heart, decorated it and signed my guestbook. So,
Do you remember when I used to come home and subject you to the torture of listening to my childish chatter? From what I ate to what I did in school, I'd give you a lengthy dissertation of my day.
Do you remember the times we'd play silly games in the car and laugh at our own silly jokes? We used to have 'Queen's' and 'King's' day and whoever was 'coronated' got to pick the tv channels.
Do you remember the time when we used to go by the name 'The Three Musketeers'? One for all and all for one. One musketeer's gone to become a heroine (wirawati) while the other two are waiting to be rescued from boredom.
Do you remember the big family of sisters we had? In the name of sisterhood, we had a family 'portrait' drawn with all the 'sisters' labeled.
Do you remember the little terrors we were ? Trampling around our class's mini garden, creating our own herbal medicines? The times we snuck out of class because Art was too boring to us? We were already 'artistically' making flower cups out of leaves.
Do you remember the secret handwriting we had? It's unbelievable how after 6 years, every alphabet's still fresh in my memory. I know you remember too ! *wink*
Do you remember going to the library every recess time so that we could borrow books? You would read those mystery stories and finish them within a day while I looked on in amazement.
Do you remember the 'sei tai tin wong' ? I never knew what that means but I'm sure it's something good since it was such a blessing to be a part of it. Oh ya, and the 'dinner' Pn. Chan was supposed to give us.
Do you remember those times when my brother would be me and I be him on the phone because we used to sound so alike.
Do you remember the times when we would yak away as if there was no tomorrow? It's amazing how we never run out of things to talk about.
Do you remember the 'ghosts' we thought resided in out school? The times we ran from the toilet and shushed each other every time we went to the bookshop because it was near the graveyard?
Do you remember eating sweets in class and painting our nails although we knew very well how wrong we were. I still can't believe we did it.
Do you remember pretending we were studying and paying rapt attention when we were actually passing notes under the desk or else sleeping ?
Do you remember telling me I'll never get over 'it' and instead of crying I burst out laughing? Your frankness always gets the better of me. Maybe a little insanity rubbed off on me.
Do you remember the times when we would sit down and talk about love? If it even exists and what would happen if your heart got broken? I'll always be there for you and I hope you'll be there for me too. We'll be the glue mending each other's heart and with a sprinkle of friendship and star dust, the crack will seal and heal.
Do you remember laughing at witty quotes and staying up late to crap?
Do you remember all that and more? I do and always will. You have left imprints in my mind and footprints all over my heart. Pictures may fade away, but memories never will. They, last forever. And no matter how far away from each other we may be, the distance between us will never be enough to distant you from my thoughts and my heart.
Monday, April 10, 2006
If
Anybody who is happy all the time needs a psychiatrist - David A. Christensen.
If I could have one special power, I'd want the ability to control time, being able to slow it down when it rushes too fast and to speed it up when it crawls. I wouldn't want to be able to foresee the future, that will take away the fun of surprises, be it pleasant or unpleasant.
If I were to choose a vacation, I'll choose one by the beach, where the waves sing their wistful song, the sun smiles down, and the wind teases my hair. All good things in life are to be shared and no vacation is complete without having a companion, so I'll bring that special someone along or my best buddy.
If I could be anything, I'd want to be a butterfly. It's one of nature's big surprises that sluggy caterpillars grow to be so beautiful and graceful and though their lives are short and fragile, they flutter around, bringing beauty,colour and life to gardens and live among flowers.
If someone were to ask me what I would like to be like when I grow up, I'd say I want to be courageous and kind, sophisticated and able to stand my ground, witty and intelligent. But most of all, I'd want to be myself. Not to be influenced by others from changing who I already am.
If I were granted a wish, I'd wish for complete happiness for everyone in the world. Life can be so empty without that spark of happiness. If everyone is happy, there won't be wars, there won't be heartaches, there won't be sorrow or tears. Happiness is greater than any treasure ever bestowed upon mankind.
If I make someone my everything, then how will I be able to function when that person walks out with my everything?
If I could change something about myself, I'd want to be less vulnerable, to be firm and not be pushed around so much. I want to be able to speak my mind.
If someone asked me whether I would trade my brother for a sister, I'd say hell, no ! As it is, he's already both and I met a friend who has become the sister I never had and much more.
If I were asked whether I believe in love at first sight, I'd say no, I believe in attraction and infatuation but not love at first sight. Love is something much deeper, it's not something to play around with because it involves another person's heart and as we all know, they're easily broken cos they're more fragile than glass.
If I could play the piano better, I'd want to be a pianist. I harboured a secret wish to be a writer, but all I'd probably write would be this blog.
If there's something I really hate, it would be having someone control me in any way. I don't appreciate someone dictating what I should and shouldn't do, what to think and what not to think, where to go and where not to go. I like having my own thoughts and doing what I like. Sometimes, I wish those people would get a life of their own, then they can stop planning other people's lives for them.
If I were asked to describe dreams, I'd liken sweet dreams to clouds. White, fluffy and ethereal. I think life is like our wondrous sky. The sun lets us see the light, stars let us believe in miracles even when things look dark and bleak, and after the stormy turbulence of bad experiences, a rainbow is the arch of joy that sets things straight again.
If I weren't so bored, then I wouldn't be sitting here wishing and dreaming and thus this post wouldn't have existed and you wouldn't be subjected to read this flow of nonsensical blabber.
If I could have one special power, I'd want the ability to control time, being able to slow it down when it rushes too fast and to speed it up when it crawls. I wouldn't want to be able to foresee the future, that will take away the fun of surprises, be it pleasant or unpleasant.
If I were to choose a vacation, I'll choose one by the beach, where the waves sing their wistful song, the sun smiles down, and the wind teases my hair. All good things in life are to be shared and no vacation is complete without having a companion, so I'll bring that special someone along or my best buddy.
If I could be anything, I'd want to be a butterfly. It's one of nature's big surprises that sluggy caterpillars grow to be so beautiful and graceful and though their lives are short and fragile, they flutter around, bringing beauty,colour and life to gardens and live among flowers.
If someone were to ask me what I would like to be like when I grow up, I'd say I want to be courageous and kind, sophisticated and able to stand my ground, witty and intelligent. But most of all, I'd want to be myself. Not to be influenced by others from changing who I already am.
If I were granted a wish, I'd wish for complete happiness for everyone in the world. Life can be so empty without that spark of happiness. If everyone is happy, there won't be wars, there won't be heartaches, there won't be sorrow or tears. Happiness is greater than any treasure ever bestowed upon mankind.
If I make someone my everything, then how will I be able to function when that person walks out with my everything?
If I could change something about myself, I'd want to be less vulnerable, to be firm and not be pushed around so much. I want to be able to speak my mind.
If someone asked me whether I would trade my brother for a sister, I'd say hell, no ! As it is, he's already both and I met a friend who has become the sister I never had and much more.
If I were asked whether I believe in love at first sight, I'd say no, I believe in attraction and infatuation but not love at first sight. Love is something much deeper, it's not something to play around with because it involves another person's heart and as we all know, they're easily broken cos they're more fragile than glass.
If I could play the piano better, I'd want to be a pianist. I harboured a secret wish to be a writer, but all I'd probably write would be this blog.
If there's something I really hate, it would be having someone control me in any way. I don't appreciate someone dictating what I should and shouldn't do, what to think and what not to think, where to go and where not to go. I like having my own thoughts and doing what I like. Sometimes, I wish those people would get a life of their own, then they can stop planning other people's lives for them.
If I were asked to describe dreams, I'd liken sweet dreams to clouds. White, fluffy and ethereal. I think life is like our wondrous sky. The sun lets us see the light, stars let us believe in miracles even when things look dark and bleak, and after the stormy turbulence of bad experiences, a rainbow is the arch of joy that sets things straight again.
If I weren't so bored, then I wouldn't be sitting here wishing and dreaming and thus this post wouldn't have existed and you wouldn't be subjected to read this flow of nonsensical blabber.
Sunday, April 09, 2006
That 'little' thing called love
It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all - Anon.
It's the four letter L word. It's the one syllable word that causes butterflies to flutter in stomachs, heartbeats to skip, and pulses to quicken. It's the word that causes tears of joy to flow, washing away sorrows from the heart through the windows of the soul. It's also the word that causes pain and worry inadvertently.
Love at first sight is when a mother beholds her child for the very first time and a lifetime pledge of unflailing love is promised in that one single glance.
Undying love is the fondness that old couple share for each other. From holding their first born child to their first born grandchild, it's the infectious affection that twinkles in their faded eyes.
Sibling love is the one you share with the brother who teases you mercilessly, hides your most prized teddy, and sniggers when he pulls your ponytail loose in a mall, but doesn't hesitate to avenge the first guy to trample over your heart.
Puppy love is the little boy who gave you your first flower in kindergarten.
Incomprehensible love is being Daddy's little girl no matter how old you are. It's when Daddy walks his little girl down the aisle while remembering some time not so long ago when he was walking her to nursery and she was whimpering. This time, it's Daddy who has a suspicious sheen of tears in his eyes.
First love is that heady feeling you get whenever you think of that special person. Of being an eloquent speaker but when you come face to face with that person, your tongue twists into knots and you make an inane fool of yourself, but she laughs and comprehends what you're saying anyway. It's when Cupid chooses to practise his archery skills and you feel the tugging in your heart, the place where his arrow struck a chord.
True love is when you know the receiver isn't Miss or Mister Universe or Superman or Superwoman or she's a clueless cook and he, a hopeless sports fan whereas you know you can't tolerate a bunch of men kicking balls in a field but loving that person anyway. It's finding that quick "goodbye, see you tonight, love" note on the fridge in the morning, holding hands while watching the evening news or finding fulfilment in sitting sprawled on the floor doing jigsaw puzzles and finding that the best pastime of all. It's accepting someone as a whole, flaws, imperfections, cutesy antics and all.
Lost love are those cherished memories that will always be tucked in some corner of your heart. In never regretting anything, but taking it all as a sweet, surreal experience.
It's the four letter L word. It's the one syllable word that causes butterflies to flutter in stomachs, heartbeats to skip, and pulses to quicken. It's the word that causes tears of joy to flow, washing away sorrows from the heart through the windows of the soul. It's also the word that causes pain and worry inadvertently.
Love at first sight is when a mother beholds her child for the very first time and a lifetime pledge of unflailing love is promised in that one single glance.
Undying love is the fondness that old couple share for each other. From holding their first born child to their first born grandchild, it's the infectious affection that twinkles in their faded eyes.
Sibling love is the one you share with the brother who teases you mercilessly, hides your most prized teddy, and sniggers when he pulls your ponytail loose in a mall, but doesn't hesitate to avenge the first guy to trample over your heart.
Puppy love is the little boy who gave you your first flower in kindergarten.
Incomprehensible love is being Daddy's little girl no matter how old you are. It's when Daddy walks his little girl down the aisle while remembering some time not so long ago when he was walking her to nursery and she was whimpering. This time, it's Daddy who has a suspicious sheen of tears in his eyes.
First love is that heady feeling you get whenever you think of that special person. Of being an eloquent speaker but when you come face to face with that person, your tongue twists into knots and you make an inane fool of yourself, but she laughs and comprehends what you're saying anyway. It's when Cupid chooses to practise his archery skills and you feel the tugging in your heart, the place where his arrow struck a chord.
True love is when you know the receiver isn't Miss or Mister Universe or Superman or Superwoman or she's a clueless cook and he, a hopeless sports fan whereas you know you can't tolerate a bunch of men kicking balls in a field but loving that person anyway. It's finding that quick "goodbye, see you tonight, love" note on the fridge in the morning, holding hands while watching the evening news or finding fulfilment in sitting sprawled on the floor doing jigsaw puzzles and finding that the best pastime of all. It's accepting someone as a whole, flaws, imperfections, cutesy antics and all.
Lost love are those cherished memories that will always be tucked in some corner of your heart. In never regretting anything, but taking it all as a sweet, surreal experience.
That's when I love you by Aslyn
When you have to look away
When you dont have much to say
Thats when I love youI love you,
just that way
To hear you stumble when you speak
Or see you walk with two left feet
Thats when I love youI love you, endlessly
And when your mad cuz you lost a game
Forget Im waiting in the rain
Baby i love you,I love you anyway
Heres my promise made tonight
You can count "on" me for life
Thats when i love you
When nothing you do can change my mind
The more I learn,
The more I love
The more my heart cant get enough
Thats when I love you,
WhenI love you no matter what
So when you turn to hide your eyes
Cause the movie it made you cry
Thats when I love you
I love you a little more each time
And when you cant quite match your clothes
Or when you laugh at your own jokes
Thats when I love youI love you,
more than youll know
And when you forget that we had a date
Or that look that you get when you show up late
Baby I love you, I love you anyway
I fell in love with this song. It's so down to earth. It's not those songs of undying love and of hearts that will go on forever. Yet, it's one of the most romantic songs I've ever heard. It's cute and endearing. In a few simple yet lyrical verses coupled with beautiful melodies, this song epitomises the true meaning of that 'little' thing called love.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Flow of thoughts
There are no regrets in life, only lessons - Jennifer Aniston
It's driving day again today. Now, I don't hate my instructor so much anymore. I hate myself more. Beside the fact that I'm totally inept when it comes to my motor skills, I can't seem to get it into my thick skull the proper balance between the clutch and the brake and the hand brake. Different people have told me different things and I am sooo confused ! Never have I been so much on the verge of tears until the point when I banged down a frigging pole and as the pole clattered noisily on the gravel, so did my composure. It took a Herculean effort not to lean my forehead on the steering wheel and weep. All the pent-up relunctance and resistance towards driving was slowly and surely bubbling towards the surface of my deceiving calm. I think even my instructor has given up on me. Now, I know how important it is to be able to communicate in the same language.
Today, I got scolded because of some tyre alignment problem I couldn't set straight. I looked blank because I didn't know which line on the tar road he was referring to. He, thought that I didn't understand Cantonese and thus started to illutrate through sign language what he meant. It was hopelessly hilarious, and I had to cup my hands over my mouth as I convulsed in frustrated, helpless laughter. It was horrid I tell you. It was impossible to stifle the hysterical laughter that was so close to the surface, and the instant I laughed, I regretted it. My instructor actually looked as if he was seriously considering to do bodily harm towards me. Not that I blame him. As his face turned shades of purple, I fumbled around in my cluttered brain for an explanation in Cantonese only to realise and belatedly remember that I SUCK in that particular language, thus I didn't know what to say. So, I just settled for "Sorry". As if that explained everything. Sigh.
Anyway, I was forced to take a mock test today. And, as expected, I 'passed' with 'flying colours'. Well, alright, it was bad with a capital B. Right now, the frustration of everything is rising like bile in my throat. I wish I can just go somewhere and spit it out. But like most things in life, it's unavoidable. And, I'll never rest until the day I master this weakness. I'm adamant to succeed and I sincerely hope I will. *resigned sigh* ( someone told me that only elderly folks sigh, and I seem to be doing that a lot, so, do I qualify as old? )
It's driving day again today. Now, I don't hate my instructor so much anymore. I hate myself more. Beside the fact that I'm totally inept when it comes to my motor skills, I can't seem to get it into my thick skull the proper balance between the clutch and the brake and the hand brake. Different people have told me different things and I am sooo confused ! Never have I been so much on the verge of tears until the point when I banged down a frigging pole and as the pole clattered noisily on the gravel, so did my composure. It took a Herculean effort not to lean my forehead on the steering wheel and weep. All the pent-up relunctance and resistance towards driving was slowly and surely bubbling towards the surface of my deceiving calm. I think even my instructor has given up on me. Now, I know how important it is to be able to communicate in the same language.
Today, I got scolded because of some tyre alignment problem I couldn't set straight. I looked blank because I didn't know which line on the tar road he was referring to. He, thought that I didn't understand Cantonese and thus started to illutrate through sign language what he meant. It was hopelessly hilarious, and I had to cup my hands over my mouth as I convulsed in frustrated, helpless laughter. It was horrid I tell you. It was impossible to stifle the hysterical laughter that was so close to the surface, and the instant I laughed, I regretted it. My instructor actually looked as if he was seriously considering to do bodily harm towards me. Not that I blame him. As his face turned shades of purple, I fumbled around in my cluttered brain for an explanation in Cantonese only to realise and belatedly remember that I SUCK in that particular language, thus I didn't know what to say. So, I just settled for "Sorry". As if that explained everything. Sigh.
Anyway, I was forced to take a mock test today. And, as expected, I 'passed' with 'flying colours'. Well, alright, it was bad with a capital B. Right now, the frustration of everything is rising like bile in my throat. I wish I can just go somewhere and spit it out. But like most things in life, it's unavoidable. And, I'll never rest until the day I master this weakness. I'm adamant to succeed and I sincerely hope I will. *resigned sigh* ( someone told me that only elderly folks sigh, and I seem to be doing that a lot, so, do I qualify as old? )
Right now, I'm listening to Keith Urban's "Tonight I wanna cry". I never cry in front of other people. But, this song really made me think. It's irrelevant, yet relevant in a queer sort of way. The chorus goes something like this :
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show,
I thought that being strong meant never losing your self control,
But, I'm just drunk enough,
To let go of my pain,
To hell with my pride,
Let it fall like rain,
From my eyes,
Tonight I wanna cry.
There you go. It's a terrible exaggeration, but it suits me right now. I bet I'm going to change opinions pretty soon. But for the mean time, I'm going to hug my doggy, and listen to lulling, lilting songs. Music never fails to soothe my soul. It's the language of love, of comfort, of release and yes, even pain. No matter how bad you suck in Cantonese, Mandarin, English, Spanish, French, Swahili and the many other languages in the world, music is the universal one that binds us all as one race. The blood that runs through humanity itself.
Friday, April 07, 2006
Hypocrisy and whatnots
There are two sorts of hypocrites: ones that are deceived with their outward morality and external religion; and the others are those that are deceived with false discoveries and elevation; which often cry down works, and men's own righteousness- Jonathan Edwards
If there is one thing I particularly resent, it's hypocrisy. Sadly, as humans, we all succumb to it. From the little, inconsequential things to the big scale ones. For example, a couple goes out shopping and the girlfriend goes and tries on a dozen outfits. All the time, the girl pesters the boyfriend for an opinion.
Girl: Darling, how do I look ?
Guy: Honey, you look just fab ! (all the while not even looking at her while surreptitiously stealing glances at his watch cos the game's going to start soon on TV )
Well, at least this is forgiveable. It is a known fact that guys and girls don't share the same love when it comes to shopping. That's why girls turn to their girlfriends as shopping partners. In all fairness, some girls do push the limits. Anyway, before I digressed, what certainly ticked me off is the issue of the arrest of a young couple because some closet minded lunatic thinks that their show of public affection is indecent ! Come on, they were only showing their affection for each other. And in the first place, I think the person who arrested them was just frigging RUDE to have been looking at them anyway. And a part of 'society' looks at them, clucking their tongues, thinking that they are virtuous and sinless and ever so right. NOT ! Yea, as if they themselves don't engage in such acts. And, the said couple is above 21 years old, I'm sure they have their own lives to account for themselves and the last thing they need is some busybody poking into their affairs.
I'm not condoning the young couple's act, neither am I going to rebuke them. Knowing the general mentality of the people, they should have had more sense than to 'display public affection' in an Asian country, what more a Muslim one. But, I think this whole uproar is senseless. Personally, I think there are much more pressing, serious issues that need the attention of the party involved. It just goes to prove how hypocritical people get. I mean, where is the love? Is showing your love in a, well, physical way wrong? Besides, if the girl chooses to defile herself and defame the good name of her family, it really isn't none of your blinking business. It's a free world. And you really can't brainwash or coerce someone into thinking the way you do. If that were the case, God wouldn't have made humans, He would have made robots. I think it's repulsive the way we hide our own flaws and find sublime pleasure in pointing out other people's flaws, without first looking in the mirror. They're young, they're hot-blooded and they're normal, healthy youngsters. They didn't do anything wrong besides having emotions and a heart. I can't say the same about those spineless nincompoops though. Sad. In turn these innocent couple have to take the brunt of the blame. Millions of other people display public affection, a chaste peck on the cheek, even the lips, an affectionate hug. Little gestures that enrich a relationship. And whether or not it's done in public or in private, the fact still remains that they did it. So, it doesn't really matter. Anyway, if you find the sight so revolting, then DON'T look ! Simple. I can't discern what's the matter with some people. Maybe it boosts their self-esteem, maybe it makes them feel great, maybe they think they're doing something really noble. Aphrodisiacs to their hollow, shallow souls. Well, to each man his own, they say.
Not everyone is a prude. No one is morally right. If so, then the whole lot of us would be priests and vicars and pastors and imams and whatever else. I myself have my own flaws, so I'll work on those first before I go around playing the role of God. Before I end, allow me to congratulate the nation. Once again,we have just succeeded in making ourselves laughingstocks in the eyes of more developed, Western countries. Ever wondered why they do better? That's because they're more open-minded, less judgemental and invest their time and effort into more promising, profitting ventures. And, they don't mess into other people's business either. Something I observe Asians find hard, if not, impossible to do.
If there is one thing I particularly resent, it's hypocrisy. Sadly, as humans, we all succumb to it. From the little, inconsequential things to the big scale ones. For example, a couple goes out shopping and the girlfriend goes and tries on a dozen outfits. All the time, the girl pesters the boyfriend for an opinion.
Girl: Darling, how do I look ?
Guy: Honey, you look just fab ! (all the while not even looking at her while surreptitiously stealing glances at his watch cos the game's going to start soon on TV )
Well, at least this is forgiveable. It is a known fact that guys and girls don't share the same love when it comes to shopping. That's why girls turn to their girlfriends as shopping partners. In all fairness, some girls do push the limits. Anyway, before I digressed, what certainly ticked me off is the issue of the arrest of a young couple because some closet minded lunatic thinks that their show of public affection is indecent ! Come on, they were only showing their affection for each other. And in the first place, I think the person who arrested them was just frigging RUDE to have been looking at them anyway. And a part of 'society' looks at them, clucking their tongues, thinking that they are virtuous and sinless and ever so right. NOT ! Yea, as if they themselves don't engage in such acts. And, the said couple is above 21 years old, I'm sure they have their own lives to account for themselves and the last thing they need is some busybody poking into their affairs.
I'm not condoning the young couple's act, neither am I going to rebuke them. Knowing the general mentality of the people, they should have had more sense than to 'display public affection' in an Asian country, what more a Muslim one. But, I think this whole uproar is senseless. Personally, I think there are much more pressing, serious issues that need the attention of the party involved. It just goes to prove how hypocritical people get. I mean, where is the love? Is showing your love in a, well, physical way wrong? Besides, if the girl chooses to defile herself and defame the good name of her family, it really isn't none of your blinking business. It's a free world. And you really can't brainwash or coerce someone into thinking the way you do. If that were the case, God wouldn't have made humans, He would have made robots. I think it's repulsive the way we hide our own flaws and find sublime pleasure in pointing out other people's flaws, without first looking in the mirror. They're young, they're hot-blooded and they're normal, healthy youngsters. They didn't do anything wrong besides having emotions and a heart. I can't say the same about those spineless nincompoops though. Sad. In turn these innocent couple have to take the brunt of the blame. Millions of other people display public affection, a chaste peck on the cheek, even the lips, an affectionate hug. Little gestures that enrich a relationship. And whether or not it's done in public or in private, the fact still remains that they did it. So, it doesn't really matter. Anyway, if you find the sight so revolting, then DON'T look ! Simple. I can't discern what's the matter with some people. Maybe it boosts their self-esteem, maybe it makes them feel great, maybe they think they're doing something really noble. Aphrodisiacs to their hollow, shallow souls. Well, to each man his own, they say.
Not everyone is a prude. No one is morally right. If so, then the whole lot of us would be priests and vicars and pastors and imams and whatever else. I myself have my own flaws, so I'll work on those first before I go around playing the role of God. Before I end, allow me to congratulate the nation. Once again,we have just succeeded in making ourselves laughingstocks in the eyes of more developed, Western countries. Ever wondered why they do better? That's because they're more open-minded, less judgemental and invest their time and effort into more promising, profitting ventures. And, they don't mess into other people's business either. Something I observe Asians find hard, if not, impossible to do.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Random thoughts
The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive -Robert Heinlein
It's one of those slow days again. Or maybe my days just seem slow because they aren't exactly activity-packed. I've read two novels in two days. Both proved to be pleasant reads and time flew by while I was engrossed in them. A minor diversion. And now, out of sheer desperation, I'm actually thinking of digging out my Add Maths workbook and 'indulge' in a few hours of brain torture.
Besides that, I'm dreading my next driving lesson. It's official. I loathe it. I loathe everything that has to do with learning to drive. I loathe the slopes, I loathe the parking with those awful, spindly poles, I loathe loathe loathe ! Period. Don't get me wrong though, I love driving, I sincerely do, I just HATE my instructor and I'm positive, based on my female intuition that he positively loathes me too. It's just a matter of time before I murder him, that is if he hasn't already wrung my neck before that. Seriously though, I've been stemming the urge to floor the accelerator just for the heck of it. Ha ha, I remember my music teacher telling me that he'll be nicer to me after that. Too bad he has a brake on his side of the car. Well, it never hurts to dream. I wish my Cantonese was better. Then at least I'll be able to 'communicate' with him. At least I'll be able to stand for myself and not just take his verbal abuse like a witless idiot. Sigh, two more lessons, 4 more loooong hours before I get to attempt at the test and get the coveted P license. Well, in all honesty, he ain't all that bad. I'm just feeling really moody right now. And irrational to boot. Oh, and it's funny how people forget my name after some time. I become 'girl' or 'wei' after a few days......sigh. I'm just made to be forgettable eh?
Right now, I'm having a really bad headache. It's been nagging at me all morning. But, in typical me style, I'm sitting in front of a computer screen, absorbing whatever harmful rays thus intensifying my headache. I've just taken leave of the better part of my senses. Masochistic in a way. By the way, I thought the above quote was really ironic. Caught my attention. In the future, I think I'll be posting quotes before each post. However irrelevant they may be to the topic.
Alright, I'm gonna go take a rest now. I'm having trouble opening my eyes against the throbbing between my ears...
Au revoir
It's one of those slow days again. Or maybe my days just seem slow because they aren't exactly activity-packed. I've read two novels in two days. Both proved to be pleasant reads and time flew by while I was engrossed in them. A minor diversion. And now, out of sheer desperation, I'm actually thinking of digging out my Add Maths workbook and 'indulge' in a few hours of brain torture.
Besides that, I'm dreading my next driving lesson. It's official. I loathe it. I loathe everything that has to do with learning to drive. I loathe the slopes, I loathe the parking with those awful, spindly poles, I loathe loathe loathe ! Period. Don't get me wrong though, I love driving, I sincerely do, I just HATE my instructor and I'm positive, based on my female intuition that he positively loathes me too. It's just a matter of time before I murder him, that is if he hasn't already wrung my neck before that. Seriously though, I've been stemming the urge to floor the accelerator just for the heck of it. Ha ha, I remember my music teacher telling me that he'll be nicer to me after that. Too bad he has a brake on his side of the car. Well, it never hurts to dream. I wish my Cantonese was better. Then at least I'll be able to 'communicate' with him. At least I'll be able to stand for myself and not just take his verbal abuse like a witless idiot. Sigh, two more lessons, 4 more loooong hours before I get to attempt at the test and get the coveted P license. Well, in all honesty, he ain't all that bad. I'm just feeling really moody right now. And irrational to boot. Oh, and it's funny how people forget my name after some time. I become 'girl' or 'wei' after a few days......sigh. I'm just made to be forgettable eh?
Right now, I'm having a really bad headache. It's been nagging at me all morning. But, in typical me style, I'm sitting in front of a computer screen, absorbing whatever harmful rays thus intensifying my headache. I've just taken leave of the better part of my senses. Masochistic in a way. By the way, I thought the above quote was really ironic. Caught my attention. In the future, I think I'll be posting quotes before each post. However irrelevant they may be to the topic.
Alright, I'm gonna go take a rest now. I'm having trouble opening my eyes against the throbbing between my ears...
Au revoir
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Interview
It's over. 11 years of toiling and slugging, of blood and sweat, of laughter and cries, all culminating to this point. Yesterday was the day. The PSD interview for scholarship applicants. The whole thing was a bit of an anti-climax really. It dawned bright and early and for a minute I couldn't believe the day had arrived. I could still remember preparing hard for the SPM. In the blink of an eye, the results were out, I was busy applying for scholarships..all these seemed to past by in a blurry,hazy swirl of events.
Anyway, I chose to wear the silliest outfit for one of the most important events in my entire life. I shan't go into details there. No point humiliating myself even more. All I'm going to say is, the moment I stepped out of the lift and beheld the mass of smartly groomed humans in suits and ties and baju kurung in all colours of the rainbow, I wished the earth would open up and swallow me whole. I was mentally kicking myself for not opting for the smart skirt mum asked me to wear. Whatever was done was done.
I met a few schoolmates there. And a classmate. We found out that we were going to be in the same group for the interview, applying for the same course. Kind of weird actually. Imagine being conspirators in class, striving together, and now, we were supposed to 'compete' for something. Somehow I found that hard to do. Good thing was, once inside the room, we were silently encouraging each other. Spurring each other on. Thank God for friends. *wink*
Anyways, this year, the PSD people decided to change the format a bit. Instead of just an English interview, we were to go through a BM one too. Nothing much really. More like oral in school. Oh, but before the interview, we all had to sit for an aptitude test. One of the, well, easiest, weirdest test. More of a questionairre than a test. I know a billion people can come up with a reason for carrying out such a test, but personally, I think it would have been peanuts to cheat. The test is supposed to 'help' them 'read' you and further understand you. Here are a few out of the 294 questions. It's a yes or no test.
Anyway, I chose to wear the silliest outfit for one of the most important events in my entire life. I shan't go into details there. No point humiliating myself even more. All I'm going to say is, the moment I stepped out of the lift and beheld the mass of smartly groomed humans in suits and ties and baju kurung in all colours of the rainbow, I wished the earth would open up and swallow me whole. I was mentally kicking myself for not opting for the smart skirt mum asked me to wear. Whatever was done was done.
I met a few schoolmates there. And a classmate. We found out that we were going to be in the same group for the interview, applying for the same course. Kind of weird actually. Imagine being conspirators in class, striving together, and now, we were supposed to 'compete' for something. Somehow I found that hard to do. Good thing was, once inside the room, we were silently encouraging each other. Spurring each other on. Thank God for friends. *wink*
Anyways, this year, the PSD people decided to change the format a bit. Instead of just an English interview, we were to go through a BM one too. Nothing much really. More like oral in school. Oh, but before the interview, we all had to sit for an aptitude test. One of the, well, easiest, weirdest test. More of a questionairre than a test. I know a billion people can come up with a reason for carrying out such a test, but personally, I think it would have been peanuts to cheat. The test is supposed to 'help' them 'read' you and further understand you. Here are a few out of the 294 questions. It's a yes or no test.
- Can you use a sewing machine, or any other form of machines? *hmm...does the computer count?*
- Do you want to be an astronaut? *I'm afraid of heights and the fact that the gravity pull on the moon is weak seems very daunting to me. I'm so clumsy, I might fall off the moon....sigh*
- Do you like/enjoy listening to other people's problems ? *What? And be called a busybody? Unless a friend chooses to confide in me, otherwise I don't think I want to act as unregistered shrink* (this question was repeated like 5 times btw )
- Can you draw ? *if stick figures and distorted things count, then yes. *
- Can you lift heavy objects without help? *considering the fact that I am a female, and not in the least a weight-lifter, no. I don't look forward to getting hernia and further jeopardizing my health either.*
- Do you mind getting your hands dirty? *in chocolate and edible stuff, no...= P other than that, I suffer from self-professed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) *
- Do you enjoy taking apart things and assembling them together again? * yes actually, since I have nothing better to do other than dismantling a perfectly working wall fan, bringing all the pieces out, then hunting around for the screws which are bound to have bounced off somewhere, then for the next 2 hours or so trying to fix it back again, only to realise I would need professional help and call in a repairer. *
- Do you like buying things and assembling your own things out of it? *hmm....to put a whole new perspective to DIY, i'm collecting scrap metal, so that I can assemble my own car. Although car prices have dropped drastically, it's cheaper this way. I wouldn't test the car on the road if I were you though*
- Are you creative? * I over-imagine things, and plot scenes in my head. Does that count? *
- Do you appreciate beauty? Is beauty important in your life and does it affect your mood? * well, unless you're blind, beauty is an important thing to everybody, no matter how hard you try to deny it. It's an inherent need in every normal human being, be it subconsciously or consciously. Mood-wise..hmm...feng shui emphasizes on it i think. Though personally, I think red is a ghastly colour*
Well, as you can see, these weren't all that practical. Anyone without a conscience would easily be able to make herself/himself look like a superhuman. I think a polygraph test or graphalogy would have been much more practical. But students would probably faint due to pre-testing tension so maybe scratch that.
The interview itself was quite fun and interesting actually. It wasn't the neck-clawing, squabbling, hostile, killing-each-other-for-a-chance-to-speak, everyone-tries-to-speak at once scenario I pictured. We were given 2 topics to discuss. Mine was 'Unemployment among graduates' and 'Students nowadays are pampered'. Interesting topics eh? I think I went something like this. "Well, in my opinion, kids today are pampered because they are pampered and their parents pamper them and they don't realise they are pampered and they grow up to be pampered kids because their parents pamper them too much and they become spoilt and pampered, and that's why people say they are pampered. Thank you ". An hour zoomed by just like that and we were sent on our ways with hope swelling in some hearts.
I was exhausted by the time I came back. I spent 7 hours there by the way. I met a few friends and we grouped up to 'discuss' topics but as usual, when teenagers group together, we ended up crapping(due to the stress maybe) and laughing and giggling. We were the only group insane enough to be doing that, others were studiously reading newspapers and stacks of A4 sized papers, stuffed with facts were strewn everywhere. Gave us a pretty good dose of guilt.
Anyway, I just slept for a record-breaking 13 hours !! Kind of made up for the previous days' lack of sleep. I had short-term insomnia the last few days. Thank goodness I'm cured. Interviews and big agendas can be such effective causes and cures for chronic ailments eh?
Disclaimer : The questions posted above are just something like what came out. They are not exactly the same. The author did not in any way go against any confidential policies or whatsoever.
Monday, April 03, 2006
Wine and dine in the vessel of friendship
It's amazing how time flies. I remember certain events as vividly as if they just occured yesterday. Yet, it hits you that years has passed since. Reminiscence, that's all that's left. Sweet memories and unforgettable moments.
Throughout the entire course of my life, I have had the fortune and the blessing of the companionship of so many friends. I never really realised how important a role they played in my life until it came the time to say goodbye. Yes, in a way, I took their presence for granted. But misunderstand not, I value their friendship. Acquiantances are aplenty, but those fast friends, friends that stick with you through thick and thin, through all odds, those are the gems that will be forever embossed in the recesses of my mind. Their memories will always be a part of me, wherever I go, and whatever I do. This post is dedicated to those of you who have made a difference in my life, left footprints in my heart and made me who I am. If not for you, I may be a different person, lesser in many ways. I thank God for sending you my way, and that our paths intertwined.
*Note: These do not refer to one person alone. They describe how I feel about those who mean something to me. The list is endless, but I shall endeavour to do my best.
Throughout the entire course of my life, I have had the fortune and the blessing of the companionship of so many friends. I never really realised how important a role they played in my life until it came the time to say goodbye. Yes, in a way, I took their presence for granted. But misunderstand not, I value their friendship. Acquiantances are aplenty, but those fast friends, friends that stick with you through thick and thin, through all odds, those are the gems that will be forever embossed in the recesses of my mind. Their memories will always be a part of me, wherever I go, and whatever I do. This post is dedicated to those of you who have made a difference in my life, left footprints in my heart and made me who I am. If not for you, I may be a different person, lesser in many ways. I thank God for sending you my way, and that our paths intertwined.
*Note: These do not refer to one person alone. They describe how I feel about those who mean something to me. The list is endless, but I shall endeavour to do my best.
- We're direct opposites in a plethora of ways, but we find similarities in others. Maybe opposites DO attract !
- You're spunky and funny, quiet at times, but crazy at others. You're unpredictable and it is that never-knowing-what-to-expect-next-from-you thing that draws me to you.
- You're witty and make me laugh till my sides hurt. If laughing could make a person sated, contented and full, I count myself well-fed.
- I know that I can come to you whenever I need a friend. You're my co-conspirator and we go quite a long way back. How fast time flies. I remember stepping into school and thinking how 'grown-up' we were. Little did we know, the world was still ours to explore.
- You say the weirdest things at the oddliest moments and you voice what you think and feel. Unpretentious and genuine, you're one of a kind.
- You are the pillar i lean on and the first one I run to when I find myself in dilemmas. You tease me endlessly but it's all in the name of friendship.
- You make me laugh when I want to cry, problems melt into insignificance because I know you're there for me.
- You tell me my flaws and help me mend them. That's why knowing you made me a better person.
- You're thoughtful, insightful, caring and kind. One in a trizillion, you're utterly unique.
- The little things you do swell to gargantuous proportions simply because it never even crossed my mind that anyone, other than you, would have come up with it.
- You change opinions quicker than a chameleon changes it's colour. You're funny in that way. The fact that you don't realise how hilarious you can be makes you even more cuter.
- You are my partner in many escapades. We were 'prefects' but oh.so.naughty were we.
There. The list will go on because friendships are a lifelong commitment. I count myself blessed to be able to drink from the fountain of friendship. Like a vintage bottle of wine, the longer it ages, the better it gets. Inevitably, time will soon catch up with us, we may be old and wrinkled but deep down, I'm sure whenever I think back of all those quality moments, I shall sip again of that wine and revel again in the lulling drunkenness of happy moments.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Inserts witty title here
Today's one of those slow Sundays. I can't believe I've been up and running for so long and it's only 1.30pm. Anyway, I was eating my toast this morning and as usual, I let my brain whirl off as it liked. Oddly enough, I found myself pondering about the queer things I do. Things that appeared normal to me, but which Josh says could buy me the golden ticket into that exclusive instituition in Tanjung Rambutan, meant especially for those with excellent mental conditions..
- I can't do one thing at a time. Multi-tasking has become second nature to me. I get restless really fast. By that I mean, that I can't sit still in a place longer than a few minutes. Even while I'm typing this, there's a book on my lap, the radio is blasting off songs and I'm chatting to a couple of people while simultaneously surfing the net.
- I can't just eat. I need to read something while I eat. Be it the day's paper, a magazine, a novel and yes, crazily, while I was still in school, my textbooks ! Biology and Chemistry being my favourites. Not because I 'adore' them, most of the time so that I get more than one thing done at once. I find eating a waste of time and I think it's lonesome to sit down to a meal alone. Hence, I literally force someone to accompany me. My bro being the victim most often.
- I linger unhealthyly over my food. Sometimes I get so engrosssed in something I spend hours over a meal. Much to my mother's chagrin. Besides, I don't like mixing the vege with the rice. It's weird how I partition my food on my plate. Methodically really.
- I can't just lie in bed doing nothing other than staring at the ceiling. I only go to bed when I'm too tired. I've been known to stay up till the wee hours of the morning simply because I couldn't sleep and I couldn't be bothered to try. I'll just sit up, grab a mag and glumly envy my brother's ability to just fall asleep just like that. Or I'll pace up and down my room, punch my pillows, drink lots and lots of water, make constant trips to the bathroom, then go back to my bed to sit and mull.
- I talk to myself. Haha, not the maniacal, nonsensical babbling kind of talk. But sometimes, when I need someone to talk to and nobody's there, I turn to myself. I've had a history of talk partners. From my dog, the goldfish I once had (goldfishes have such short memories, I bet he couldn't remember a thing) to my teddy and dolls. There are times when I mutter things to myself under my breath which draws raised eyebrows in my direction.
- I used to think that my dolls and teddy had lives and feelings. I used to think that when I turn my back, they will come to life and gossip among each other.
- I am intrigued by names. I used to plan names for my kids. (if I ever get them...haha) Odd thing is, I'll never name my kids after those I've already used for my dolls. Which are plenty. eg: Amanda, Alicia, Natasha, Ashley, Emma, Georgie, Kelly...etc.
- I never liked Barbie. Even at 5, I thought she was a bimbo. I still do. Btw, I have one. Compliments of my grandmother. I found her decapitated body sometime back. I found the head among my 'masak masak' set. Gruesome eh? Her 'luxurious' blonde hair was matted and lack-lustre and if she knew, Barbie would go into a Barbie-fit, spasm and foam at the mouth...
- I've never had a celebrity idol. I choose to look up to 'real' people. People that had made an impact on humanity. Not just the latest fashion, or how to dress oneself, and drape themselves in fur and take pride in wearing dead animals' skins and parade around in 6 inch heels and try to outdo and outkill each other with their ghastly diets, all the while influencing other innocent,unsuspecting people. The same goes for male celebs. Their frivolous, philandering lifestyles leaves lots to be amused with and little to be impressed. But I do like reading about them. What their latest antics involve and all.
- I have too much imagination. I'd think of the weirdest things out of normal everyday situations. I used to think that my neighbour was involved in some kind of cult and I always think that all the lifts I ride in are going to free-fall or that somebody may be hijacking the bus and maybe my opposite neighbour was a mafia,with guns and all. Erm..I think u get the idea.
- I can be very quiet if I choose to be and extremely talkative at other times. I'm a feminist and I don't appreciate it when men belittle women. I'm so not the kind to stand by and let sexists who think that women should be seen but not heard get away with it. It's the 21st century for Pete's sake. Wake up ! I've met many a gentleman, but sadly, I've had the ill-fortune of coming across the above said chauvinists. Under-educated I should say. The next time some idiot has something condescending to say about women, I'll ask him " And your mother is....."
- I wish upon stars and believe in miracles and angels.
- I fall in love with characters in books really easily. Reality hits you hard then, but while it lasts, I revel in the escapism of another world. A world where only I hold the key.
- I love water. Nothing beats it. When I say water, I mean anything to do with it...be it the sea, a pool or just H20. I drink lots and lots of it though sometimes I'm not even thirsty. Oh, and I'm always lazy to take my vitamins. Even the sugary sweet Vitamin C.
Guess that's all I can think of for now. I just ate this weird chee cheong fun which is purportedly famous and well-known. I've still to figure that out.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Thought provoking
| Your Personality Profile |
 You believe that you live a virtuous life...And you tend to judge others with a harsh eye.As a result, people tend to crave your approval. |
The World's Shortest Personality Test
I've always thought such things should be taken with a pinch of salt.. This is kinda interesting though..
Out of our hands
It's ironic and rather bitter actually, how sometimes you plan for something for what seems like your whole life, you work hard to achieve it, you psycho yourself into believing that whatever happens is for the best and suddenly, in a sudden twist of events, you find yourself back at square one. Back at the crossroads. I used to be able to ascertain what i want and don't want. What I like and don't like. What I am and am not. Right now, I find myself tragically questioning everything I'd scripted about myself. Who is the girl I see staring back at me in the mirror everyday? Is she the one I thought I knew intimately for the last 17 plus years of my entire life? Or is she just another stranger? Like the many friends and acquintances whom I thought I knew, but proved me wrong in the end?....Don't get me wrong though, in my life, I had had the honour and the blessing to have met a handful of very dear close friends.
In my opinion, we do certain things for a multitude or reasons. We all have minds of our own. Some are just more outspoken than others, daring to go all out and grab the reins in their own hands. Some are more subdued and submissive. It doesn't mean that these people are spineless in any way, sometimes, it's simply because they realize what's best for the general population. They want to keep peace and serenity reigning while putting their preferences at the end of the list. Which of the two am I ? I'd love to say I'm the former, but sadly, I'm a little towards the latter. I do voice my opinions and thoughts when the time calls for it, but most of the time, I try to please others. The support and care from those who matter to me plays a pivotal part in influencing my decisions. I'm gutless in that context, but I don't care.
Right now, I'm confused. I don't know whether what I'm going to do is the right thing or not, but for once, i'm setting my foot down. After all, the rest of the journey is mine to take. Not others. So, I guess, once again, the decision lies in my hands. It hurts to keep so many things bottled up inside you sometimes. I thought a blog could have been the answer to my frustrations, but I found out otherwise. It's a wee bit too public. Sadly. I'm a private person in that sense. I don't appreciate having someone intrude the private realms of my thoughts, as much as I love and adore the company of close friends and family.
In my opinion, we do certain things for a multitude or reasons. We all have minds of our own. Some are just more outspoken than others, daring to go all out and grab the reins in their own hands. Some are more subdued and submissive. It doesn't mean that these people are spineless in any way, sometimes, it's simply because they realize what's best for the general population. They want to keep peace and serenity reigning while putting their preferences at the end of the list. Which of the two am I ? I'd love to say I'm the former, but sadly, I'm a little towards the latter. I do voice my opinions and thoughts when the time calls for it, but most of the time, I try to please others. The support and care from those who matter to me plays a pivotal part in influencing my decisions. I'm gutless in that context, but I don't care.
Right now, I'm confused. I don't know whether what I'm going to do is the right thing or not, but for once, i'm setting my foot down. After all, the rest of the journey is mine to take. Not others. So, I guess, once again, the decision lies in my hands. It hurts to keep so many things bottled up inside you sometimes. I thought a blog could have been the answer to my frustrations, but I found out otherwise. It's a wee bit too public. Sadly. I'm a private person in that sense. I don't appreciate having someone intrude the private realms of my thoughts, as much as I love and adore the company of close friends and family.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Things past
You never know what you have until you lose it. That said, I've been reminiscing on certain things. Like how fast time flies sometimes, and how slowly it creeps by other times. I remember snippets of my life which comes in short flashes. So, I've compiled a list of things I miss, things I've sometimes taken for granted and things that are so sweet and syrupy, I will never forget to remember....
I miss :
I miss :
- the blissful innocence of being a child. Where the world's one big playground, to be explored, reveled in, everything is new and magical and monsters only exist underneath your beds.
- the wonder of new discoveries. Everyday is filled with new discoveries, but as you grow older, you get more and more jaded. Nothing beats the first time.
- the drive and well, unwillful determination of going to school everyday. The crazy things we have the liberty to indulge in just because we are holders of the title "students" and 'teenagers'
- passing notes around in class right under the teacher's nose. It's the suspense and thrill of knowing you can be caught anytime that makes it even more exciting. Clandestine and a relief from extremely boring 'lectures'
- staying up late to chat and talk about everything and nothing at all. All the while knowing that you're going to be nothing more than a panda-eyed zombie the next morning but still indulging because temptations are too sweet to resist.
- not having serious responsibilities and yet given a few just so you feel a little more grown up eventhough being 'grown-up' entails more weighty decisions than choosing what to wear and deciding whom to be and not be friends with.
- running around and playing without a care for anything else. To be childish and be excused simply because, well, you're nothing more than a child at that period of time.
- waking up daily when the sky's still pitch black and missing my bed whilst cursing the alarm clock for being so relentless and efficient, but yet yearning to go to school just to meet my friends and mock and laugh at the teachers though we still respect them..= p
- having someone spoon feed me..not in the literal sense of the word, as in telling me point for point what to do.
- taking things at face value without doubting it. Never having to evaluate and re-think something twice because I haven't turned into the cynic I rather am right now.
- being able to confide in my teddy without someone thinking I've more than a few loose screws.
Whirling,Twirling and rolling
It's past midnight now, just when I'm supposed to be putting on my nightcap, my thinking cap chooses to plop itself on my head.
These past days, I've been thinking about a multitude of things. This post is going to be filled with a bundle of jumbled thoughts, so forgive the choppiness to come.
In quiet times like these, I find myself wondering about what's out there. Is there more to life than just waking up everyday and making the best of your days? Does love really exist? What are the possibilities for seemingly platonic relationships to blossom into something promising? When I was younger, I used to think that we were all puppets and our lives were all mapped out for us already. I used to think that God was the owner of all the puppets and every little action on our part was actually governed by Him. Not far off from the truth I must say.
I kinda hate it when people judge other people before they even get to know the person on a more personal level. It's really stupid to draw conclusions based on a person's look. It doesn't make any blinking sense ! I mean, your portly looking, boring next door neighbour might turn out to be the coolest guy on earth and your hip looking trendy colleague might turn out to be the biggest bore on earth. I hate it when people make assumptions, because assumptions are rarely right and all they ever do is muddle up the situation more. Ironically, sometimes, I myself fall victim to such vices. Oh man, I'm going round in circles and I don't know what I'm talking about. My innermost feelings are too senstive to be written out in the open like this.
Have you ever experienced that jolt of anticipation everytime the phone rings? Just because you're expecting or rather waiting for that one call? And when at last the phone rings, you grab it up only to be dissapointed because whoever's on the line isn't who you want it to be? It's as if you've reached the peak of a mountain and suddenly, you lose your footage and come stumbling down. Jack and Jill-like. And sometimes, you say things only to be struck by your own audacity...It's funny how we let ourselves revel in all this see-sawing emotions and let them mess with our brains. Even weirder how sometimes the hardest of cynics lose his or her cynicsm and fall for the one thing they were against. In a way, that's what being human entails. We can't fight the forces of nature. There's simply no going against it. We're just little specks in a gargantuan(is there even such a word? nevermind) universe. Defenceless, pitiable and very much human.
These past days, I've been thinking about a multitude of things. This post is going to be filled with a bundle of jumbled thoughts, so forgive the choppiness to come.
In quiet times like these, I find myself wondering about what's out there. Is there more to life than just waking up everyday and making the best of your days? Does love really exist? What are the possibilities for seemingly platonic relationships to blossom into something promising? When I was younger, I used to think that we were all puppets and our lives were all mapped out for us already. I used to think that God was the owner of all the puppets and every little action on our part was actually governed by Him. Not far off from the truth I must say.
I kinda hate it when people judge other people before they even get to know the person on a more personal level. It's really stupid to draw conclusions based on a person's look. It doesn't make any blinking sense ! I mean, your portly looking, boring next door neighbour might turn out to be the coolest guy on earth and your hip looking trendy colleague might turn out to be the biggest bore on earth. I hate it when people make assumptions, because assumptions are rarely right and all they ever do is muddle up the situation more. Ironically, sometimes, I myself fall victim to such vices. Oh man, I'm going round in circles and I don't know what I'm talking about. My innermost feelings are too senstive to be written out in the open like this.
Have you ever experienced that jolt of anticipation everytime the phone rings? Just because you're expecting or rather waiting for that one call? And when at last the phone rings, you grab it up only to be dissapointed because whoever's on the line isn't who you want it to be? It's as if you've reached the peak of a mountain and suddenly, you lose your footage and come stumbling down. Jack and Jill-like. And sometimes, you say things only to be struck by your own audacity...It's funny how we let ourselves revel in all this see-sawing emotions and let them mess with our brains. Even weirder how sometimes the hardest of cynics lose his or her cynicsm and fall for the one thing they were against. In a way, that's what being human entails. We can't fight the forces of nature. There's simply no going against it. We're just little specks in a gargantuan(is there even such a word? nevermind) universe. Defenceless, pitiable and very much human.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Rant alert !
Alright, today, all I'm going to do is rant, rant and rant. It hasn't been a really good day. Not in the least. What a way to end a weekend. Negative energy seems to be swarming around me like a tangible force even as I type this out. You may think I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill, but that's just me, being irrational, so do ignore this post unless you haven't got anything better to do other than reading some outraged teenager's outlet for her frustrations. URRGH !
For starters, I'm beginning to loathe my driving instructor. Besides being a budding chauvinist, he treats me like a blinking imbecile ! He's arbitrary and condescending and insulting and offensive and he's making me loathe everything ! The rain pelting down on us early this morning was akin to a premonition of what was to come. Remember that lesson I envisioned earlier? The one where my instructor would be waving his arms frantically, and dear me, I wouldn't be able to fathom what he was trying to say even if my very last breath depended upon it? It came true. Today. Man, I need to learn some Cantonese. I'm so lost ! I think I'm going to make the worst driver ever. Period. Today, I 'tackled' the slopes and the parking. To make matters worse, I couldn't understand much of his yabbering. The parking part and the slopes were the worst ! I kept backsliding and I banged down a stupid pole ! It's hard enough to differentiate between left and right in ENGLISH but in Cantonese? It wouldn't have made a difference if he had been speaking French ! So, after a lot of yelling and screaming on his part, I finally succeeded. That was when he said, " Now, let me test your memory..do it all over again." Darn, what memory is there to test? I couldn't remember a darn thing besides him incessantly screaming " Stop ! Brakes ! Stop! "...Sigh.....hopefully the next few classes would be better. I really don't look forward to it. Imagine how fast things change. I was gushing over driving yesterday, and today, I'm really over it. Fickle-minded seems to be my middle name eh?...
There are a million other things running through my fumbled mind right now. I want to scream and rant and cry and swear ( unlady-like i know) but everything I want to pen down seems to disintegrate in mid-transition. It sucks. It's like a trizillion of rubbish and crap is trying hard to squeeze through a very very small outlet. It's amazing how our 'wireless' world can turn into so much of a hassle sometimes. That is, when things go wrong and distance becomes the barrier. And there is absolutely no other form of communication besides the one that has crashed down. That has got me wondering how people in the pre-modern days solve misunderstanding and stuff. No wonder war was so rampant those days. Imagine if there was a small disagreement among two parties and after some thought and consideration, Party A decides to back off and settle the matter. Party A then sends a 'snail mail' which in those days would take literally ages to reach the designated destination. By the time the letter reaches Party B, Party B would probably have already launched an attack on Party A and chaos would have already ensued.
Right now, all I seem to be able to feel is an abyss of emptiness. Deep and dark and dank. I'm numb, cold and unfeeling. And maybe, just maybe, I'd like to stay like that for the time-being. To be cocooned in myself. I was never one to turn to self-pity, but right now, it's comforting. It offers me the peace of mind I seek. I want to be free, but there are invisible binds holding me down. I don't even know the direction of my thoughts right now. I'm very confused and I hope, soon, I'll see the light.
For starters, I'm beginning to loathe my driving instructor. Besides being a budding chauvinist, he treats me like a blinking imbecile ! He's arbitrary and condescending and insulting and offensive and he's making me loathe everything ! The rain pelting down on us early this morning was akin to a premonition of what was to come. Remember that lesson I envisioned earlier? The one where my instructor would be waving his arms frantically, and dear me, I wouldn't be able to fathom what he was trying to say even if my very last breath depended upon it? It came true. Today. Man, I need to learn some Cantonese. I'm so lost ! I think I'm going to make the worst driver ever. Period. Today, I 'tackled' the slopes and the parking. To make matters worse, I couldn't understand much of his yabbering. The parking part and the slopes were the worst ! I kept backsliding and I banged down a stupid pole ! It's hard enough to differentiate between left and right in ENGLISH but in Cantonese? It wouldn't have made a difference if he had been speaking French ! So, after a lot of yelling and screaming on his part, I finally succeeded. That was when he said, " Now, let me test your memory..do it all over again." Darn, what memory is there to test? I couldn't remember a darn thing besides him incessantly screaming " Stop ! Brakes ! Stop! "...Sigh.....hopefully the next few classes would be better. I really don't look forward to it. Imagine how fast things change. I was gushing over driving yesterday, and today, I'm really over it. Fickle-minded seems to be my middle name eh?...
There are a million other things running through my fumbled mind right now. I want to scream and rant and cry and swear ( unlady-like i know) but everything I want to pen down seems to disintegrate in mid-transition. It sucks. It's like a trizillion of rubbish and crap is trying hard to squeeze through a very very small outlet. It's amazing how our 'wireless' world can turn into so much of a hassle sometimes. That is, when things go wrong and distance becomes the barrier. And there is absolutely no other form of communication besides the one that has crashed down. That has got me wondering how people in the pre-modern days solve misunderstanding and stuff. No wonder war was so rampant those days. Imagine if there was a small disagreement among two parties and after some thought and consideration, Party A decides to back off and settle the matter. Party A then sends a 'snail mail' which in those days would take literally ages to reach the designated destination. By the time the letter reaches Party B, Party B would probably have already launched an attack on Party A and chaos would have already ensued.
Right now, all I seem to be able to feel is an abyss of emptiness. Deep and dark and dank. I'm numb, cold and unfeeling. And maybe, just maybe, I'd like to stay like that for the time-being. To be cocooned in myself. I was never one to turn to self-pity, but right now, it's comforting. It offers me the peace of mind I seek. I want to be free, but there are invisible binds holding me down. I don't even know the direction of my thoughts right now. I'm very confused and I hope, soon, I'll see the light.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
From baby wheelers to four wheelers
The toil is partially over and now comes the fun part. The time has finally arrived and I'm all set to go behind the wheels. Nevermind the fact that I'm practically the last, if not, one of the last among my friends to get my driving license.
Anyway, today I had my first ever lesson behind the wheel. It was scary at first, and deeply reassuring that my instructor had brakes on his side of the car. Saved us from turning into squished flesh. I was surprised when he took me to the stadium to drive around and not to the driving school as I thought he would. Being around more adept drivers was intimidating to say the least. There were more than a few times when I came really close to grazing some other innocent's car. Seems I have bad control of the steering wheel among other more pressing matters. Whatever it is, after literally going round in circles for around 40 minutes, my instructor asked me "so, I think you've got the hang of it right? Good, let's proceed to the road." Goodness gracious, there I was, hardly having any control of a car, albeit a small and light one, and he was going to unleash me on the road? I mean, I'm a hazard, a danger, a small slip of a girl who knows close to nothing to driving.
So, there I was, crawling along the road while other bigger, meaner cars whizzed by. It was rather exhilirating actually. After I gained more confidence, I sped up a bit. Much to my instructors chagrin I fear, for he was always telling me "slow down, slow down", then he was mumbling something about how dangerous it is for them to bring new drivers on the road and yada yada. Ha ha. One memorable incident would have to be when I accidentally went up a curb and I heard my instructor mumble " my poor car" under his breath. The worst thing is, I don't really understand Cantonese, and sadly, my instructor speaks little else. So, for the most part, I was just guessing what he said. Which is bad, since I only understood like half of what he said and I had to make up the rest. I think he realised, since I hadn't an iota of an idea when he said "turn left" in Cantonese, and I couldn't understand. Man, I need a crash course. In Cantonese, not driving. Forgive the pun, it was unintended. By the by,it's funny how little respect some people have. The whole ride through, he was muttering something about women drivers while I was sitting beside him. Poor thing, didn't he ever learn that you should never offend the driver? Particularly if she's more of a feminist than anything else? Your life is at stake, for Pete's sake. I mean, alright, in all fairness, women do drive less agressively and less attentively, but that doesn't mean that ALL are like that...hmm....I shall not dwell on that and save that morsel of thought for some later entry.
Oh, besides that, I watched Underworld 2 yesterday. It wasn't as bad as I had earlier envisioned it to be, and Kate Beckinsale sure looked good throughout. I'm pretty reluctant to say this, but it was kind of worth watching. Ha ha, sorry Kim.
I've got to sign out now. I've got another lesson tomorrow morning. So, you drivers out there, if you see a white Kancil being driven by a be-spectacled girl who'll probably be looking as if she's trying to understand what her instructor's yabbering about, steer clear. It's only for your own good. Trust me.
Nites !
ps: maybe I'll come up with more 'pointful' entries sometime in the future. My brain's just been to comfortable staying in hibernation mode and I'm too lazy to wake it up.
Anyway, today I had my first ever lesson behind the wheel. It was scary at first, and deeply reassuring that my instructor had brakes on his side of the car. Saved us from turning into squished flesh. I was surprised when he took me to the stadium to drive around and not to the driving school as I thought he would. Being around more adept drivers was intimidating to say the least. There were more than a few times when I came really close to grazing some other innocent's car. Seems I have bad control of the steering wheel among other more pressing matters. Whatever it is, after literally going round in circles for around 40 minutes, my instructor asked me "so, I think you've got the hang of it right? Good, let's proceed to the road." Goodness gracious, there I was, hardly having any control of a car, albeit a small and light one, and he was going to unleash me on the road? I mean, I'm a hazard, a danger, a small slip of a girl who knows close to nothing to driving.
So, there I was, crawling along the road while other bigger, meaner cars whizzed by. It was rather exhilirating actually. After I gained more confidence, I sped up a bit. Much to my instructors chagrin I fear, for he was always telling me "slow down, slow down", then he was mumbling something about how dangerous it is for them to bring new drivers on the road and yada yada. Ha ha. One memorable incident would have to be when I accidentally went up a curb and I heard my instructor mumble " my poor car" under his breath. The worst thing is, I don't really understand Cantonese, and sadly, my instructor speaks little else. So, for the most part, I was just guessing what he said. Which is bad, since I only understood like half of what he said and I had to make up the rest. I think he realised, since I hadn't an iota of an idea when he said "turn left" in Cantonese, and I couldn't understand. Man, I need a crash course. In Cantonese, not driving. Forgive the pun, it was unintended. By the by,it's funny how little respect some people have. The whole ride through, he was muttering something about women drivers while I was sitting beside him. Poor thing, didn't he ever learn that you should never offend the driver? Particularly if she's more of a feminist than anything else? Your life is at stake, for Pete's sake. I mean, alright, in all fairness, women do drive less agressively and less attentively, but that doesn't mean that ALL are like that...hmm....I shall not dwell on that and save that morsel of thought for some later entry.
Oh, besides that, I watched Underworld 2 yesterday. It wasn't as bad as I had earlier envisioned it to be, and Kate Beckinsale sure looked good throughout. I'm pretty reluctant to say this, but it was kind of worth watching. Ha ha, sorry Kim.
I've got to sign out now. I've got another lesson tomorrow morning. So, you drivers out there, if you see a white Kancil being driven by a be-spectacled girl who'll probably be looking as if she's trying to understand what her instructor's yabbering about, steer clear. It's only for your own good. Trust me.
Nites !
ps: maybe I'll come up with more 'pointful' entries sometime in the future. My brain's just been to comfortable staying in hibernation mode and I'm too lazy to wake it up.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Who am I ?
Tell me about yourself. That was what he asked. At that time, I was caught too off-guard to give a coherent reply. Never again will I be faced with the same dilemma. So, I've decided to sit down and give a lengthy dissertation on the topic of myself. Nothing self-exalting, mind you. Here goes...
I am the little bundle you carried, crinkly, wrinkly, pink and bald. I gave you toothless grins and that was all it took.
I am the toddler who'd force you to dot words out on a piece of paper so I could trace them, link them and form pictures, figures, alphabets and numbers.
I am the little girl who'd beg you to teach her sewing. And you would acquiese, giving me a piece of paper, a needle and a thread.
I am the granddaughter who tortured you by making you sit down with her, doing jigsaw and word puzzles although you could hardly see. Made you accompany her while she was bathing because she was afraid of the dark and being alone, and you did all that, although your limbs must have hurt, simply because you loved her so.
I am the kindergarten-er whom you had to chase around the dining table, catch and then strap in the car just because I hated going to kindergarten.
I am the granddaughter who thought you were irritating when all you did was care. You taught me how to say "I'm sorry" but I'll never get the chance to say that to you now.
I am the 5 year old who wanted to be a fire-fighter not at all for altruistic purposes but because I used to think that fire was cool, never dangerous.
I am the daughter who tried her utmost in everything because she didn't have the heart to let you down.
I am the sister who bullied,teased, laughed and argued with you, but deep down, she knows she'll never love another guy as much as she loves you.
I am the student who looked up to you although you never knew. I owe you a lot for you have changed me and affected me in ways no one ever had.
I am the girl you used to play with when we were little, but now, when we meet again, you've forgotten me, but I still remember.
I am the self-professed cynic who scorns at 'love',but secretly waits for that someone, someday to come along and prove me wrong.
I am the bookworm, the geek, the nerd who wanted very much to 'belong'. In time, I found out that I had belonged all the time. It was only that I was looking in the wrong direction.
I am the girl next door who grew up with you. Were best buddies with you, but somehow, we drifted off. All things aside, our friendship meant a lot to me and hopefully to you too.
I am the girl you scoffed at, timelessly insulted, offended and called names just because I had more sense than to go clubbing with you at 12 midnight. I never know what I saw in you all those years.
I am the stranger who tolerated all your nonsense until that one last time. You know nothing at all about me so save your breath and quit pretending. I refuse to defame myself but I am glad things turned out the way it did. Your ego is and will always be you Archiles' heel.
I am the seemingly quiet girl, who turned into your best friend, gossip partner, co-drooler and accomplice in many antics. The times we spent together and the secrets we shared are more precious and rare than any other thing that could ever happen to me.
I am the coward who turns to daydreams for escape from the harsh realities of the real world, only to be shaken mercilessly back into reality.
I am the girl who smiles when I'm actually hurting inside because I never want to allow anyone else into my own comfort zone. I recoil and in turn hurt myself even more. I say things I never really mean, just because anger blew out the lamp.
I am the crazy girl whom only you know. Multi-faceted and complicated that even I get lost in my own labyrinth of contradicting personalities.
I am the school-leaver who couldn't make up her mind what to do with the rest of her life which seemed to stretch on for acres and acres to count.The day-dreamer who wanted to save the world, change the world but deep-down knows that the only thing she may change is the girl she sees everyday in the mirror.
I am the baby who grew into the sometimes difficult teenager, splattering heartaches and headaches in her wake. I never believed that life is a bed of roses because I'm realistic, not pessimistic as some people are keen to believe. And even if life IS a bed of roses, I'm sure there are thorns involved.
That is, am and will always be me, if not, a part of me. The past, the present and the future are all linked together in an interminable chain of events. All are significant, non inconsequential. There are certain chapters in my book of life which I regret doing, but ironically, I never want to go back there and re-write the past,change things, simply because the past happened for a reason and without it, there will never be the me now.
I am the little bundle you carried, crinkly, wrinkly, pink and bald. I gave you toothless grins and that was all it took.
I am the toddler who'd force you to dot words out on a piece of paper so I could trace them, link them and form pictures, figures, alphabets and numbers.
I am the little girl who'd beg you to teach her sewing. And you would acquiese, giving me a piece of paper, a needle and a thread.
I am the granddaughter who tortured you by making you sit down with her, doing jigsaw and word puzzles although you could hardly see. Made you accompany her while she was bathing because she was afraid of the dark and being alone, and you did all that, although your limbs must have hurt, simply because you loved her so.
I am the kindergarten-er whom you had to chase around the dining table, catch and then strap in the car just because I hated going to kindergarten.
I am the granddaughter who thought you were irritating when all you did was care. You taught me how to say "I'm sorry" but I'll never get the chance to say that to you now.
I am the 5 year old who wanted to be a fire-fighter not at all for altruistic purposes but because I used to think that fire was cool, never dangerous.
I am the daughter who tried her utmost in everything because she didn't have the heart to let you down.
I am the sister who bullied,teased, laughed and argued with you, but deep down, she knows she'll never love another guy as much as she loves you.
I am the student who looked up to you although you never knew. I owe you a lot for you have changed me and affected me in ways no one ever had.
I am the girl you used to play with when we were little, but now, when we meet again, you've forgotten me, but I still remember.
I am the self-professed cynic who scorns at 'love',but secretly waits for that someone, someday to come along and prove me wrong.
I am the bookworm, the geek, the nerd who wanted very much to 'belong'. In time, I found out that I had belonged all the time. It was only that I was looking in the wrong direction.
I am the girl next door who grew up with you. Were best buddies with you, but somehow, we drifted off. All things aside, our friendship meant a lot to me and hopefully to you too.
I am the girl you scoffed at, timelessly insulted, offended and called names just because I had more sense than to go clubbing with you at 12 midnight. I never know what I saw in you all those years.
I am the stranger who tolerated all your nonsense until that one last time. You know nothing at all about me so save your breath and quit pretending. I refuse to defame myself but I am glad things turned out the way it did. Your ego is and will always be you Archiles' heel.
I am the seemingly quiet girl, who turned into your best friend, gossip partner, co-drooler and accomplice in many antics. The times we spent together and the secrets we shared are more precious and rare than any other thing that could ever happen to me.
I am the coward who turns to daydreams for escape from the harsh realities of the real world, only to be shaken mercilessly back into reality.
I am the girl who smiles when I'm actually hurting inside because I never want to allow anyone else into my own comfort zone. I recoil and in turn hurt myself even more. I say things I never really mean, just because anger blew out the lamp.
I am the crazy girl whom only you know. Multi-faceted and complicated that even I get lost in my own labyrinth of contradicting personalities.
I am the school-leaver who couldn't make up her mind what to do with the rest of her life which seemed to stretch on for acres and acres to count.The day-dreamer who wanted to save the world, change the world but deep-down knows that the only thing she may change is the girl she sees everyday in the mirror.
I am the baby who grew into the sometimes difficult teenager, splattering heartaches and headaches in her wake. I never believed that life is a bed of roses because I'm realistic, not pessimistic as some people are keen to believe. And even if life IS a bed of roses, I'm sure there are thorns involved.
That is, am and will always be me, if not, a part of me. The past, the present and the future are all linked together in an interminable chain of events. All are significant, non inconsequential. There are certain chapters in my book of life which I regret doing, but ironically, I never want to go back there and re-write the past,change things, simply because the past happened for a reason and without it, there will never be the me now.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Shaggy Shaggy
Haha, I haven't blogged the last two days. There's a plethora of reasons behind this, with laziness being the main contributor but I shall not go into that right now. I was forced to wake up early this morning, had to get my braces fixed by my dentist.The visit wasn't that bad, if you ignore the fact that he almost dug my eye-balls out. Today's visit was probably one of the most seat-gripping visits of all time. Throughout the whole 11 minutes, I was holding onto the seat and praying for mercy. It's really not because I was undergoing some major surgery or anything. It was just that he was well, short-sighted maybe, or his arms weren't that long. So, when he was twisting the arch-wire, he held the wire, and his super-sharp-pierce-my-eyes-out utensils like centimetres away from my face. And, suddenly he slipped ! Gosh, I closed my eyes and prayed for dear life ! Luck was on my side, and the tweezers missed my face by a hair's breath...Phew! Anyway, I was informed that I had to return for a second adjustment later this afternoon..Sigh, looks like my encounters with Dr.Lim's tweezers aren't over for the day yet.
It was love at first sight. My heart did this little plunging, fluttery thing and I couldn't help but sigh everytime I saw him. With his woe-be-gone, melting soft chocolate eyes and charismatic character. He was enigmatic, smart and oh-so-cute ! A heartbreaker. A true-blue,born to be, chick magnet! Who's this new guy in my life? None other that the star of Shaggy Dog, ole- Shaggy himself ! In case I haven't been obvious enough, I watched Shaggy Dog yesterday. My take? It was just mediocre, nothing fantastic really. While I appreciated the uber-cuteness of the dog, whose real name is Cole by the way, the storyline was kinda cliche really, with a few laughs packed in between.The story spins off with the regular too-busy-to-come-home dad scenario. where the whole family seems to be slowly 'crumbling'...kids think that the parents are going to get a divorce bla bla..then through some weird out-of-this-world genetic mix-up, Dad turns into a dog. Doggy Dad then tries to go save the world or in this case, a few genetically messed-up animals. Among them, a bullfrog...i don't mean the ordinary bullfrog bullfrog, I mean a real merge between a bulldog and a frog..or toad...or something. So, we had a leaping, barking, slimy, tongue-lolling creature that resembled neither dog nor frog. The chimp in sunglasses was super cute too. The rest of the day passed by uneventfully enough. By the way, I tried the McD Veggie Burger yesterday. Alright, I know it's like extremely late to give a 'review'.. but I have to say this. "veggies never tasted so good"..the ad was sooooo right ! mmmmmm....slurp.
Day's observation: Everyone's behaving a little on the mad side today. Must be the hike in petrol prices, or the hot weather, or the fact that now that you can't eat chickens and beef, the general population is suffering from serious withdrawal syndromes. Now, who was that again who predicted that eating too much meat and depending too much on meat is going to result in a global catastrophe? Alright, maybe I've exaggerated a bit too much there. Anyway, right now, I'm listening to 'gomenasai' by Tatu. Man, I love that song !
Well, I think I've crapped my bit for today already. I've got to go get ready for my dental appointment. Maybe this time I'l bring along one of those football helmets or goggles. Yea. on the safe side. Wish me luck !
Adieus !
It was love at first sight. My heart did this little plunging, fluttery thing and I couldn't help but sigh everytime I saw him. With his woe-be-gone, melting soft chocolate eyes and charismatic character. He was enigmatic, smart and oh-so-cute ! A heartbreaker. A true-blue,born to be, chick magnet! Who's this new guy in my life? None other that the star of Shaggy Dog, ole- Shaggy himself ! In case I haven't been obvious enough, I watched Shaggy Dog yesterday. My take? It was just mediocre, nothing fantastic really. While I appreciated the uber-cuteness of the dog, whose real name is Cole by the way, the storyline was kinda cliche really, with a few laughs packed in between.The story spins off with the regular too-busy-to-come-home dad scenario. where the whole family seems to be slowly 'crumbling'...kids think that the parents are going to get a divorce bla bla..then through some weird out-of-this-world genetic mix-up, Dad turns into a dog. Doggy Dad then tries to go save the world or in this case, a few genetically messed-up animals. Among them, a bullfrog...i don't mean the ordinary bullfrog bullfrog, I mean a real merge between a bulldog and a frog..or toad...or something. So, we had a leaping, barking, slimy, tongue-lolling creature that resembled neither dog nor frog. The chimp in sunglasses was super cute too. The rest of the day passed by uneventfully enough. By the way, I tried the McD Veggie Burger yesterday. Alright, I know it's like extremely late to give a 'review'.. but I have to say this. "veggies never tasted so good"..the ad was sooooo right ! mmmmmm....slurp.
Day's observation: Everyone's behaving a little on the mad side today. Must be the hike in petrol prices, or the hot weather, or the fact that now that you can't eat chickens and beef, the general population is suffering from serious withdrawal syndromes. Now, who was that again who predicted that eating too much meat and depending too much on meat is going to result in a global catastrophe? Alright, maybe I've exaggerated a bit too much there. Anyway, right now, I'm listening to 'gomenasai' by Tatu. Man, I love that song !
Well, I think I've crapped my bit for today already. I've got to go get ready for my dental appointment. Maybe this time I'l bring along one of those football helmets or goggles. Yea. on the safe side. Wish me luck !
Adieus !
Saturday, March 18, 2006
The Hardest Words
Sorry seems to be the hardest word.......I find it hard to agree with Sir Elton John there. To me, goodbye should take top-placing on the list of hardest words. Weird eh? how 7 letters can mean so much and bear so much weight? I'm never one to deal well with goodbyes. Oh, I remember all the leg-clinging fuss I pulled when my parents wanted to send me off to pre-school kindergarten. Now, all grown-up and half a lady, I still experience that heart-tugging thing. I'm sentimental, yea. Anyway, today's one of those days, when the sky doesn't look so blue and time whizzes by although u beg it desperately to go slow. I loathe it. But life goes on, it's no point standing there and waiting for things to take place. Anyway, from tomorrow onwards, I hope time flies past. I hope it doesn't excrutiate me by dragging by like a million-legged caterpillar. So, I've devised a plan. I'm going to busy myself immersing myself in stuff that would mercilessly rob me of the chance to sit down and look at how time passes. Maybe I'll be better when the time comes. Besides, I need to oil those rusted gears of mine ! haha..I've still got my Add. Maths books stashed sumwhere..Man, I'm going nuts..I bought a copy of Cleo today. One of the things I never really do. So, I'm going to go read through it and ooh and aah over whatever girly stuff they have splurged all over those super glossy pages. That's me when insanity strikes.
Anyway, I'm not really in the mood to pour out too many things here. Today's been weird. I'm strained, mentally. It was nice meeting up with a childhood friend, to look back at all those things we used to do together. Lol, but it ain't the end of anything. The sun will definitely shine brighter tomorrow. And to all who will be leaving for the second batch of NS, best of luck to you. May this experience open more opportunities for the future and most of all HAVE FUN !!
nites !
Anyway, I'm not really in the mood to pour out too many things here. Today's been weird. I'm strained, mentally. It was nice meeting up with a childhood friend, to look back at all those things we used to do together. Lol, but it ain't the end of anything. The sun will definitely shine brighter tomorrow. And to all who will be leaving for the second batch of NS, best of luck to you. May this experience open more opportunities for the future and most of all HAVE FUN !!
nites !
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Life's rollercoaster
wow, it's sure been some time since i last blogged. The last few days have been tumultous, to say the least. There were ups and downs and highs and twists and chaos all rolled up into one messy, memorable goob of a ride. Anxiety-driven sleepless night preceded joy-borned sleepless nights. Although they both result in panda-like eyebags, i seriously prefer the latter.
Enough on all that. The recent events that took part in my life can only be described as surreal and dream-like. Anyway, on to another topic.
I went for my driving theory test, and passed without any colours. Haha, then I had to set an appointment for a 6 hour 'course'. The 'course' entailed a 3 hour talk delivered through a tv set, which cackled and blurred and jerked grudgingly through it all. Well, of course, the whole thing was 'administered' by some guy. But for all he did, they should have placed a robot there instead. Maybe that's what modernisation and technology results in. Humans just stand on the sidelines and watch in awe as machines take over their jobs. The good thing is, I stole a few minutes and a few seconds here and there of sleep. But I was in for a shock when the lecturer suddenly said..."I'm going to ask each of you two questions, if u can't answer me, u'll have to stand till 12pm"...oh man. I was mentally going shoot shoot shoot i'm dead. Surprisingly, he veered off topic and started muttering something else and somehow he forgot about his questionnaire. Talk about a miracle. Phew..By the way, the class only consisted of a pathetic number of 6 participants. 3 girls and 3 guys. And, we were forced to sit right in front of him. Like 20cm away from him. To add to that, the room was sooooo cold, I thought I was taking a 'torture-cation' in Alaska.
So, after 3 grueling hours, we were released ! Then i had to go meet my instructor. The problem : I haven't even seen him before in my entire life. How in the world was I to look out for someone whom I haven't even met ? So, there I was, standing around. Now I know how those animals in petshops feel. Imagine loafing around while waiting for someone you haven't met to pick you up. Anyway, suddenly and elderly man grabs me by the arm and asks me to follow him into the office. My first thought? I don't know you, stop arm-grabbing me ! When he realised I wouldn't budge, he gave me a God-help-me-why-do-i-have-to-get-this-idiot look and grabbed the piece of paper I was holding in my hand. Looking at the paper, he mumbled something I couldn't make out and told me to wait for him in the canteen.
After an hour of eating air, my instructor started teaching me the various parts of the car. And, he only speaks chinese, so i only understood like half of what he said..sigh, imagine if we were on the road and he starts saying sumthing, and I'll be like...huh??...oh man. I can just picture the whole thing..The instructor would be waving his arms madly and i'll be panicking. Hmmmm...*thoughtful frown*
Well, whatever it is, I got to play around with the gears and pedals. Felt like a kid really, haha, but i reveled in all kiddy shamelessness.
I guess that does it for the day.
Enough on all that. The recent events that took part in my life can only be described as surreal and dream-like. Anyway, on to another topic.
I went for my driving theory test, and passed without any colours. Haha, then I had to set an appointment for a 6 hour 'course'. The 'course' entailed a 3 hour talk delivered through a tv set, which cackled and blurred and jerked grudgingly through it all. Well, of course, the whole thing was 'administered' by some guy. But for all he did, they should have placed a robot there instead. Maybe that's what modernisation and technology results in. Humans just stand on the sidelines and watch in awe as machines take over their jobs. The good thing is, I stole a few minutes and a few seconds here and there of sleep. But I was in for a shock when the lecturer suddenly said..."I'm going to ask each of you two questions, if u can't answer me, u'll have to stand till 12pm"...oh man. I was mentally going shoot shoot shoot i'm dead. Surprisingly, he veered off topic and started muttering something else and somehow he forgot about his questionnaire. Talk about a miracle. Phew..By the way, the class only consisted of a pathetic number of 6 participants. 3 girls and 3 guys. And, we were forced to sit right in front of him. Like 20cm away from him. To add to that, the room was sooooo cold, I thought I was taking a 'torture-cation' in Alaska.
So, after 3 grueling hours, we were released ! Then i had to go meet my instructor. The problem : I haven't even seen him before in my entire life. How in the world was I to look out for someone whom I haven't even met ? So, there I was, standing around. Now I know how those animals in petshops feel. Imagine loafing around while waiting for someone you haven't met to pick you up. Anyway, suddenly and elderly man grabs me by the arm and asks me to follow him into the office. My first thought? I don't know you, stop arm-grabbing me ! When he realised I wouldn't budge, he gave me a God-help-me-why-do-i-have-to-get-this-idiot look and grabbed the piece of paper I was holding in my hand. Looking at the paper, he mumbled something I couldn't make out and told me to wait for him in the canteen.
After an hour of eating air, my instructor started teaching me the various parts of the car. And, he only speaks chinese, so i only understood like half of what he said..sigh, imagine if we were on the road and he starts saying sumthing, and I'll be like...huh??...oh man. I can just picture the whole thing..The instructor would be waving his arms madly and i'll be panicking. Hmmmm...*thoughtful frown*
Well, whatever it is, I got to play around with the gears and pedals. Felt like a kid really, haha, but i reveled in all kiddy shamelessness.
I guess that does it for the day.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Final Destination
Today was the day i had to face the inevitable. To re-enact memories and feelings I wanted very much to forget. But much to my surprise, today didn't turn out as bad as I had envisioned it to be. In fact, I had a very enjoyable and memorable time. Thanks to the company of a few good friends.
I played bowling for the first time today. If it was anything, my pathetic attempts at throwing a 6 pound ball at a bunch of stationary pins was laughable. It's just that prior to this, I have always been contented at standing at the sidelines, watching other people bowl. Basically, this is a dissertation of my very first game.
Heart thumping and stomach doing the jiggly, I grip the ball in my hand. I take the few steps to the line and pray with all my might that i don't let the ball slip backwards. Taking a deep breath, I give the ball a heft and throw it. The poor ball hits the floor with a mighty thump and much to my delight, actually starts rolling. Rolling, rolling, rolling and into the drain ! Sigh, looks like i need tons more of ball-thudding practices. So far, I've been a pretty sharp shot....and i possess perfect aiming too. I always seem to be able to aim for the drain. No kidding..
Anyway, went to watch Final Destination 3 too. When Kim told me we were going to watch that movie, I was so tempted to back out. It's no big secret that I'm a chicken at heart. I mean, I can't even go out into the hall when it's dark for fear of meeting some 'visitors'. Haha, I am exactly that imaginative. So, I put on a brave front while vigilantly praying that I wouldn't scream out loud. Though morbid, the movie was kinda thrilling. I was sitting on the edge of my seat, waiting to find out how the next victim was going to meet his/her inevitably gruesome death. The common trait amongst them, they all died accompanied by this uber gross squishy sound, rather like the sound an orange emits when you squeeze it..
That said, I think I'll take an early nightcap today. I'm like this little kid who's been out to play all day, and now, when the fun is over, my eyelids are drooping while more adventures await me in sleep, where dreams often come true.
I played bowling for the first time today. If it was anything, my pathetic attempts at throwing a 6 pound ball at a bunch of stationary pins was laughable. It's just that prior to this, I have always been contented at standing at the sidelines, watching other people bowl. Basically, this is a dissertation of my very first game.
Heart thumping and stomach doing the jiggly, I grip the ball in my hand. I take the few steps to the line and pray with all my might that i don't let the ball slip backwards. Taking a deep breath, I give the ball a heft and throw it. The poor ball hits the floor with a mighty thump and much to my delight, actually starts rolling. Rolling, rolling, rolling and into the drain ! Sigh, looks like i need tons more of ball-thudding practices. So far, I've been a pretty sharp shot....and i possess perfect aiming too. I always seem to be able to aim for the drain. No kidding..
Anyway, went to watch Final Destination 3 too. When Kim told me we were going to watch that movie, I was so tempted to back out. It's no big secret that I'm a chicken at heart. I mean, I can't even go out into the hall when it's dark for fear of meeting some 'visitors'. Haha, I am exactly that imaginative. So, I put on a brave front while vigilantly praying that I wouldn't scream out loud. Though morbid, the movie was kinda thrilling. I was sitting on the edge of my seat, waiting to find out how the next victim was going to meet his/her inevitably gruesome death. The common trait amongst them, they all died accompanied by this uber gross squishy sound, rather like the sound an orange emits when you squeeze it..
That said, I think I'll take an early nightcap today. I'm like this little kid who's been out to play all day, and now, when the fun is over, my eyelids are drooping while more adventures await me in sleep, where dreams often come true.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Musik !
If music be the food of love...play on. Famous words quoted by the equally famous Shakespeare.
At last, today, I started playing the guitar. Urm ,I meant learning to play. It is undeniably a painful art to master. And I really mean painful. At the end of an hour, my fingers are so sore, typing this entry ain't no mean feat, my wrist seems to want to stay in this perpetually twisted state and my back is hurting. When I told Josh the guru extraordinaire this, he very tonelessly stated.."You have bad posture"..umm...o.k. Anyway, I now realise how much skill is needed in order to master playing the guitar. I've always been in love with the Latin guitar. It's sultry tone,sexy melody and romantic feel is just too hard not to fall head over ears in love with. Now, I think I'll just stick to listening instead of ever learning. Before I even started playing, Josh gave me a tip."You have to wait till your fingertips turn leathery and peel before you can actually play well.." Gee.. Thanks bro. What a comforting thought. Just like that time when i wanted to learn how to ride a bike and he said "you have to fall before you learn to ride." Talk about moral support.
So, a little insight on how I fared today. I learnt three chords. C,G and D. The three most basic chords according to Josh. Much to my chagrin, I couldn't even master these three. I think a duck with it's webby feet would be able to change chords faster than me. Even a tortoise would be faster than me. I'm like..ok,first string, second finger, second string, third finger, third string....ahh..i.can't.reach.it..after a bit of wrestling and more twisting of my wrist i manage to weakly press down the third string. Pleased, I take a strum, only to be greeted by this really unpleasant twang that doesn't sound at all like the chord it's supposed to be. Well, at least I was close. :P Anyway, at the rate I'm playing, the only songs I'll be able to play are gonna be lullabies. Really, really really s..l...o...w...lullabies.
That said, I'm going to go wreck havoc with my trusty guitar....
At last, today, I started playing the guitar. Urm ,I meant learning to play. It is undeniably a painful art to master. And I really mean painful. At the end of an hour, my fingers are so sore, typing this entry ain't no mean feat, my wrist seems to want to stay in this perpetually twisted state and my back is hurting. When I told Josh the guru extraordinaire this, he very tonelessly stated.."You have bad posture"..umm...o.k. Anyway, I now realise how much skill is needed in order to master playing the guitar. I've always been in love with the Latin guitar. It's sultry tone,sexy melody and romantic feel is just too hard not to fall head over ears in love with. Now, I think I'll just stick to listening instead of ever learning. Before I even started playing, Josh gave me a tip."You have to wait till your fingertips turn leathery and peel before you can actually play well.." Gee.. Thanks bro. What a comforting thought. Just like that time when i wanted to learn how to ride a bike and he said "you have to fall before you learn to ride." Talk about moral support.
So, a little insight on how I fared today. I learnt three chords. C,G and D. The three most basic chords according to Josh. Much to my chagrin, I couldn't even master these three. I think a duck with it's webby feet would be able to change chords faster than me. Even a tortoise would be faster than me. I'm like..ok,first string, second finger, second string, third finger, third string....ahh..i.can't.reach.it..after a bit of wrestling and more twisting of my wrist i manage to weakly press down the third string. Pleased, I take a strum, only to be greeted by this really unpleasant twang that doesn't sound at all like the chord it's supposed to be. Well, at least I was close. :P Anyway, at the rate I'm playing, the only songs I'll be able to play are gonna be lullabies. Really, really really s..l...o...w...lullabies.
That said, I'm going to go wreck havoc with my trusty guitar....
Friday, March 03, 2006
Of talks and funfairs
I discovered two great things yesterday.
1. I'm not colour blind
2. The cause of the rise in road accidents.
Ok, so pertaining to item number one. I've always had this niggling feeling that maybe i see colours differently. Like that time in kindergarten when I painted an apple blue instead of green or red. Yesterday, I went for this 5 hour pre-driving talk. Before that, I had to take this colour blind test. It wasn't anything brain-boggling or anything. Just a splotch of colour with a number 'hidden' in it. so, basically, you just write whatever you see. If you see a boat, draw a boat. Something like that. Anyway, I passed.Yea, I know, like the majority of the population didn't. Well, okay, in all honesty, there was this one question where I couldn't figure out what that squiggly line was. So, i took a wild guess. But who cares, I passed.
After that, I went into this hall and waited and waited and waited. At last, after two hours, a lady walked in. First impression: Scary. I don't know why, but some people just have the words "Steer clear.I'm Danger personified" written on their face. Well, in all fairness, she wasn't bad. She cracked the right jokes at the right time. Only hitch : She asks lots and lots of questions. But she was nice all right. She gave us fifteen minutes extra during the break.
The next speaker who came in after the break helped me come to a groundbreaking conclusion. I now know why accidents happen with such frequency these days.
His assignment: Teach us road rules.
What he did: Crack lame jokes and laughed at other people, all the while giving his poor desk a
healthy dose of palm-slapping.
Let me tell you something. For a while there I wanted to get out the room and check whether I was in the right 'lecture'. Good God, this guy was talking as if he'd just dunked down a whole bottle of whiskey or something equally 'spirited'. His jokes weren't only lame, they were verging on pathetic.
Eg. 1 : He strides into the room and in a voice that'll make ole King Kong himself retreat into a corner whimpering, he shouts..."Tell me, what are you all here for" Stunned speechless, everyone else in the class just stares at him. After a moment, someone from the back of the class says "To get a license?"..to which he covers his mouth and literally convulses into laughter. After some time, he looks up and starts laughing maniacally again. We never really got to know the answer to that question though.
Eg. 2: He makes the whole class read passages aloud. I mean, holy cow, the last time I did something like that, I was five and wearing frocks with my hair in pig tails. So, as the whole class chorused the title of various chapters, Mr. Inebriated convulses into laughter inexplicably from time to time. That was how i spent the next three hours. But it wasn't all that bad, I did practise playing 'darts' on my handphone and now, I can get the bulls-eye effortlessly. Anyway, if this is the kind of prep talk I get before driving, it's no wonder people are lunatics on the road.
After the longest 8 hours of my life, I got to go home. Home sweet home. On the way back, something caught my eye. You simply couldn't miss it. The bright colours, gay lights and various contraptions meant to be riden on. It was a funfair ! Happy memories flooded through me. I remember the merry people, the noise, the candy stalls and stuffed toys. Well, it only proves that you can never be too old to enjoy even the sight of a funfair, albeit a very small one. On that note, I've got some housework to do.
P.s: Keith Urban ain't bad at all. Who cares if he's a druggie /alcoholic/whatever, the guy sure can sing !
1. I'm not colour blind
2. The cause of the rise in road accidents.
Ok, so pertaining to item number one. I've always had this niggling feeling that maybe i see colours differently. Like that time in kindergarten when I painted an apple blue instead of green or red. Yesterday, I went for this 5 hour pre-driving talk. Before that, I had to take this colour blind test. It wasn't anything brain-boggling or anything. Just a splotch of colour with a number 'hidden' in it. so, basically, you just write whatever you see. If you see a boat, draw a boat. Something like that. Anyway, I passed.Yea, I know, like the majority of the population didn't. Well, okay, in all honesty, there was this one question where I couldn't figure out what that squiggly line was. So, i took a wild guess. But who cares, I passed.
After that, I went into this hall and waited and waited and waited. At last, after two hours, a lady walked in. First impression: Scary. I don't know why, but some people just have the words "Steer clear.I'm Danger personified" written on their face. Well, in all fairness, she wasn't bad. She cracked the right jokes at the right time. Only hitch : She asks lots and lots of questions. But she was nice all right. She gave us fifteen minutes extra during the break.
The next speaker who came in after the break helped me come to a groundbreaking conclusion. I now know why accidents happen with such frequency these days.
His assignment: Teach us road rules.
What he did: Crack lame jokes and laughed at other people, all the while giving his poor desk a
healthy dose of palm-slapping.
Let me tell you something. For a while there I wanted to get out the room and check whether I was in the right 'lecture'. Good God, this guy was talking as if he'd just dunked down a whole bottle of whiskey or something equally 'spirited'. His jokes weren't only lame, they were verging on pathetic.
Eg. 1 : He strides into the room and in a voice that'll make ole King Kong himself retreat into a corner whimpering, he shouts..."Tell me, what are you all here for" Stunned speechless, everyone else in the class just stares at him. After a moment, someone from the back of the class says "To get a license?"..to which he covers his mouth and literally convulses into laughter. After some time, he looks up and starts laughing maniacally again. We never really got to know the answer to that question though.
Eg. 2: He makes the whole class read passages aloud. I mean, holy cow, the last time I did something like that, I was five and wearing frocks with my hair in pig tails. So, as the whole class chorused the title of various chapters, Mr. Inebriated convulses into laughter inexplicably from time to time. That was how i spent the next three hours. But it wasn't all that bad, I did practise playing 'darts' on my handphone and now, I can get the bulls-eye effortlessly. Anyway, if this is the kind of prep talk I get before driving, it's no wonder people are lunatics on the road.
After the longest 8 hours of my life, I got to go home. Home sweet home. On the way back, something caught my eye. You simply couldn't miss it. The bright colours, gay lights and various contraptions meant to be riden on. It was a funfair ! Happy memories flooded through me. I remember the merry people, the noise, the candy stalls and stuffed toys. Well, it only proves that you can never be too old to enjoy even the sight of a funfair, albeit a very small one. On that note, I've got some housework to do.
P.s: Keith Urban ain't bad at all. Who cares if he's a druggie /alcoholic/whatever, the guy sure can sing !
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Unbelievably, I slept at 10.15 yesterday. If you don't know me, I'm the girl who doesn't sleep unless it's after 2 in the morn.So,this morning I woke up at 7 and I was still extremely sleepy. I can't believe it,9 hours of sleep and I haven't got enough? Gosh, I'm getting old.
Anyway,I had to drag myself out of bed because I had to accompany my grandfather to the hospital for a check-up. We left the house at 8.30. His appointment was at 8.45. Early right? I mean, we'd be whizzed into the doc's office and whizzed out again in no time right? As i was later meant to discover, I could not have been more wrong. There I was, reading a book, while the nurse calls out names over a crackly,disfuntional microphone. At last, I hear my grandfather's name. I rush to the counter, only to have the nurse, very arbitrarily order me back to my seat, saying, I'll call your name when it's your turn. Desperately, I try to explain, but she cuts me off. Promptly ignoring me as if i was a gnat on the wall, she screams my grandfather's name into the microphone again. Suddenly,she looks at me and understanding dawns. Giving me a glare, as if to say "why didn't you tell me" she smacks a card into my opened palm. I look at the card and my heart sinks. It was a waiting number. What? More waiting? Dejectedly, I go back to the seat I was occupying next to my grandfather and sat down while the machine-thingie with the red numbers pings endlessly. The number in my hand was 13. The number on the teller was 9. Oh, not a long wait, my heart jumps with joy. The next number pings. Number 49. What??!! There's something wrong here. Why are the numbers jumping here and there and everywhere? I look towards the burly nurse and change my mind about going up there to inquire. So, 2 and a half hours crawls by like that. It's rather like playing bingo you know. A number's called, you wait in anticipation, and then your heart sinks when you realise it's not yours. At last, number 13 is called. yay !So, I take my grandfather in. I see two lady docs there. They're nice, pretty. One asks my grandfather to sit down.
Doc: So, uncle, how are you feeling? Fine? No problem? Good, I'll see you in 3 months time.
What??! We wait for 3 hours and that's all? Anyway,as if I haven't already made a fool of myself, as we're leaving the examination room, I hear footsteps rushing after me. Turning around, I see The Nurse behind me. Oh no. She stops right in front of me and waves a white card under my nose.
Nurse: Girl, didn't you hear me asking you to wait? What were you doing? dreaming?
I can only stutter an unintelligible response. I mean, in all honesty, I swear I didn't know she was talking to me. I mean, there were two doctors and two patients in the room. How in the world would I know she was referring to me to wait when she said "tunggu ya"..sigh.
Anyway,reached home at 11 something and the phone was ringing. I dash for it but it had stopped by the time i reach it. Knowing it must be Kim, I dialled back.
Kim: Hey, wanna go out to Parade at 11.50? I'll come around and pick you up.
O.K. The mad rush began. I took a quick shower, in which I accidentally used the wrong shampoo and in a panic, splashed freezing cold water over my head.
Luckily, the rest of the day passed uneventfully. Right now, I'm sleepy again. So guess I'll log off now.
Anyway,I had to drag myself out of bed because I had to accompany my grandfather to the hospital for a check-up. We left the house at 8.30. His appointment was at 8.45. Early right? I mean, we'd be whizzed into the doc's office and whizzed out again in no time right? As i was later meant to discover, I could not have been more wrong. There I was, reading a book, while the nurse calls out names over a crackly,disfuntional microphone. At last, I hear my grandfather's name. I rush to the counter, only to have the nurse, very arbitrarily order me back to my seat, saying, I'll call your name when it's your turn. Desperately, I try to explain, but she cuts me off. Promptly ignoring me as if i was a gnat on the wall, she screams my grandfather's name into the microphone again. Suddenly,she looks at me and understanding dawns. Giving me a glare, as if to say "why didn't you tell me" she smacks a card into my opened palm. I look at the card and my heart sinks. It was a waiting number. What? More waiting? Dejectedly, I go back to the seat I was occupying next to my grandfather and sat down while the machine-thingie with the red numbers pings endlessly. The number in my hand was 13. The number on the teller was 9. Oh, not a long wait, my heart jumps with joy. The next number pings. Number 49. What??!! There's something wrong here. Why are the numbers jumping here and there and everywhere? I look towards the burly nurse and change my mind about going up there to inquire. So, 2 and a half hours crawls by like that. It's rather like playing bingo you know. A number's called, you wait in anticipation, and then your heart sinks when you realise it's not yours. At last, number 13 is called. yay !So, I take my grandfather in. I see two lady docs there. They're nice, pretty. One asks my grandfather to sit down.
Doc: So, uncle, how are you feeling? Fine? No problem? Good, I'll see you in 3 months time.
What??! We wait for 3 hours and that's all? Anyway,as if I haven't already made a fool of myself, as we're leaving the examination room, I hear footsteps rushing after me. Turning around, I see The Nurse behind me. Oh no. She stops right in front of me and waves a white card under my nose.
Nurse: Girl, didn't you hear me asking you to wait? What were you doing? dreaming?
I can only stutter an unintelligible response. I mean, in all honesty, I swear I didn't know she was talking to me. I mean, there were two doctors and two patients in the room. How in the world would I know she was referring to me to wait when she said "tunggu ya"..sigh.
Anyway,reached home at 11 something and the phone was ringing. I dash for it but it had stopped by the time i reach it. Knowing it must be Kim, I dialled back.
Kim: Hey, wanna go out to Parade at 11.50? I'll come around and pick you up.
O.K. The mad rush began. I took a quick shower, in which I accidentally used the wrong shampoo and in a panic, splashed freezing cold water over my head.
Luckily, the rest of the day passed uneventfully. Right now, I'm sleepy again. So guess I'll log off now.
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