Unsent letter

Dear Urchin,

The sole reason this letter shall remain unsent is only because my parents had the sense to teach me the 7 letter word. MANNERS. We love getting letters. Parcels of surprise in crusty paper envelopes. Some lovely, some amusing, some annoying and some, some makes my blood boil so.

Having deciphered your hardly legible scrawl, I made out the following :

Pls behave your dog

We want to rest, okay!

P/s Your dog always so noisy.

I shall do you a favour and break down this long letter in point form as thus :

#1 : The dog has no reason to bark if you don't insist on playing taunt-a-boo with it daily

#2 : If you want to send a letter of admonishment, have the sense to do so in proper English! My grammar has already been suffering and help from you is really not appreciated.

#3 : As much as I adore children, ill-mannered brats just don't make the cut

#4 : Oh, and I'm sure you've been taught that letters should be signed by the sender, but I guess there just isn't an euphemism for coward.....is there?

#5 : Whilst on the subject of lessons, let me teach you the 4 letter word. R-U-D-E. It's an adjective describing actions such as yours. I'm feeling generous so I'll throw in another lesson on how to use this word. Your underhanded methods were blinking rude. Maybe your mother never had the time to teach you tat you don't simply go around proclaiming love and adoration without a face-to-face encounter first. Come on over instead for a friendly chat and I will see reason.

#6 : Unlike you, I possess neither the talent nor the penchant to entertain the entire neighbourhood with my midnightly soprano opera performance.

#7 : Correct me if I'm wrong but occasional low barks certainly isn't a match to the keening wail of a banshee.

#8 : It is NOT funny throwing used plastic bottles into my compound. Haven't you heard of Reuse, Reduce and Recycle? Maybe you're trying out the Recycle part but you don't see this sign

 on my gate....do you??

#9 : We've tolerated your nonsense far too long. Common cow sense dictates that aggravating the dog causes it to get more excited, thus more noise. Simple cause and effect. Let me illustrate with an example. If I chose to slap you, you turn black and blue. See? Cause, and effect. 

#10 : Please behave yourself. I'm sure an intelligent child like you is more susceptible to training than a four legged canine with half your brain capacity....

Ah..the boiling has quietened to a pleasant simmer...and with that, I rest my case. 

Doggy Tails #1 : Flip flop slip slap

It's ironic that I hit him simply because we share the same taste in shoes....

He's already the size of the couch at 5 and a half months old

(I'm saying this only to comfort myself for my actions......

*hangs head in remorse*)

I woke up 2 days ago to my puppy breakfasting on my favourite pair of heels. Thankfully, the culprit didn't manage to finish his breakfast before mum caught him.

Leather sunny side up with a side of corky wedges anyone?

This morning whilst I was reading a magazine in my room, dad came in and the look on his face spelled two words. "Uh Oh..." I rushed out and saw my barely 2 month old flip flops missing an arm strap. Looking at my wounded slippers, my heart bled and I let forth a litany of words a 'proper lady' should never use. I looked around to see the culprit hiding under the table. Scorching him with a glare, I sat down and stabbed at my breakfast.

A picture of innocence + involuntary amputation

On a sudden spurt of 'inspiration', I got up, grabbed my slipper and armed with my weapon I rewarded him with numerous slaps. All the while spewing strings of lecture in two languages ( Gee, I never knew I picked up so much chinese from all the lectures mum bestowed upon me Josh for misbehaving =P )

Belatedly, I looked up to see my dad, spoon suspended in mid air staring incredulously at me. If I hadn't been so blinded by rage, I would have rolled around laughing at the hilarity of it all. Imagine my father's shock to see his usually composed daughter shove back her chair, crawl on ALL fours under the table and charge at the dog like a maddened thing wielding a smelly chewed-on slipper.

As a result, the poor puppy stays yards away from anything with my scent, me included and I'm now 'the offspring who charges under tables during meals'.

P/s : I've always been a firm believer that caning is never the tool for discipline. I rebuked vehemently the saying "Spare the rod, spoil the child" but today, today I snapped. Today I stooped to the ranks of a slipper slapper and it makes me afraid of my own temper......= (