Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Who am I ?

Tell me about yourself. That was what he asked. At that time, I was caught too off-guard to give a coherent reply. Never again will I be faced with the same dilemma. So, I've decided to sit down and give a lengthy dissertation on the topic of myself. Nothing self-exalting, mind you. Here goes...

I am the little bundle you carried, crinkly, wrinkly, pink and bald. I gave you toothless grins and that was all it took.

I am the toddler who'd force you to dot words out on a piece of paper so I could trace them, link them and form pictures, figures, alphabets and numbers.

I am the little girl who'd beg you to teach her sewing. And you would acquiese, giving me a piece of paper, a needle and a thread.

I am the granddaughter who tortured you by making you sit down with her, doing jigsaw and word puzzles although you could hardly see. Made you accompany her while she was bathing because she was afraid of the dark and being alone, and you did all that, although your limbs must have hurt, simply because you loved her so.

I am the kindergarten-er whom you had to chase around the dining table, catch and then strap in the car just because I hated going to kindergarten.

I am the granddaughter who thought you were irritating when all you did was care. You taught me how to say "I'm sorry" but I'll never get the chance to say that to you now.

I am the 5 year old who wanted to be a fire-fighter not at all for altruistic purposes but because I used to think that fire was cool, never dangerous.

I am the daughter who tried her utmost in everything because she didn't have the heart to let you down.

I am the sister who bullied,teased, laughed and argued with you, but deep down, she knows she'll never love another guy as much as she loves you.

I am the student who looked up to you although you never knew. I owe you a lot for you have changed me and affected me in ways no one ever had.

I am the girl you used to play with when we were little, but now, when we meet again, you've forgotten me, but I still remember.

I am the self-professed cynic who scorns at 'love',but secretly waits for that someone, someday to come along and prove me wrong.

I am the bookworm, the geek, the nerd who wanted very much to 'belong'. In time, I found out that I had belonged all the time. It was only that I was looking in the wrong direction.

I am the girl next door who grew up with you. Were best buddies with you, but somehow, we drifted off. All things aside, our friendship meant a lot to me and hopefully to you too.

I am the girl you scoffed at, timelessly insulted, offended and called names just because I had more sense than to go clubbing with you at 12 midnight. I never know what I saw in you all those years.

I am the stranger who tolerated all your nonsense until that one last time. You know nothing at all about me so save your breath and quit pretending. I refuse to defame myself but I am glad things turned out the way it did. Your ego is and will always be you Archiles' heel.

I am the seemingly quiet girl, who turned into your best friend, gossip partner, co-drooler and accomplice in many antics. The times we spent together and the secrets we shared are more precious and rare than any other thing that could ever happen to me.

I am the coward who turns to daydreams for escape from the harsh realities of the real world, only to be shaken mercilessly back into reality.

I am the girl who smiles when I'm actually hurting inside because I never want to allow anyone else into my own comfort zone. I recoil and in turn hurt myself even more. I say things I never really mean, just because anger blew out the lamp.

I am the crazy girl whom only you know. Multi-faceted and complicated that even I get lost in my own labyrinth of contradicting personalities.

I am the school-leaver who couldn't make up her mind what to do with the rest of her life which seemed to stretch on for acres and acres to count.The day-dreamer who wanted to save the world, change the world but deep-down knows that the only thing she may change is the girl she sees everyday in the mirror.

I am the baby who grew into the sometimes difficult teenager, splattering heartaches and headaches in her wake. I never believed that life is a bed of roses because I'm realistic, not pessimistic as some people are keen to believe. And even if life IS a bed of roses, I'm sure there are thorns involved.

That is, am and will always be me, if not, a part of me. The past, the present and the future are all linked together in an interminable chain of events. All are significant, non inconsequential. There are certain chapters in my book of life which I regret doing, but ironically, I never want to go back there and re-write the past,change things, simply because the past happened for a reason and without it, there will never be the me now.

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