Saturday, April 29, 2006
The drive is back. The race has began. You feel your blood pumping and that unmistakable adrenaline rush. It's crucial. It's pivotal. It's inevitable. Somehow, you must, you want and you need to just get your hands on that pair of killer stilettos. And that frilly shirt. And that beautifully tailored, elegantly styled dress. Oooh, and don't forget the bling bling...........
Well, it's pretty obvious what I'm going to be talking about today. None other than what girls do best. Destined to excel in. And no, it's not cooking and housekeeping, it's shopping ! It's when seemingly demure girls suddenly sprout claws as a group of females are unleashed with the desire to drive a good bargain gleaming in their eyes. It's a vicious activity I tell you. It's part of that 'elusive' world that men only get to stand in the sidelines and watch but never partake in. It's a girl shop girl world. And it's far worse when that four-letter-word-express-ticket-to-cloud-nine for girls appear. It's not L-O-V-E, it's S-A-L-E.
Well, today, I went shopping with mum. Girly day out. My take? Scary. Certainly scarier for a relatively inexperienced shopper like myself. Let's see, today, I was shoved, pushed, glared at, scrutinised, measured and at the end of it all, I felt like a witless puppet. And who would have thought, exhausted ! It's bad enough that I speak really bad Cantonese, but to be forced to ask over-worked, stressed, harassed and strained salesgirls for available sizes in that particular language is harder than swimming across the Atlantic Ocean. Well, alright, that was an exaggeration. But it does illustrate my plight. No? In the end, I just did what most people do when in trouble. I run to mummy. = p It's true right? No sane person messes with mums.
Hehe, anyway, I shall concede by saying that although shopping isn't my cup of tea, it was a 'productive' day. I bought 2 jackets, 3 pants, a cool tee, 3 spaghetti straps ( earned a raised eyebrow from dad..... ) and a pair of shorts. Ooh, and 2 really cool bookmarks made of wire twisted in the rock sign, and three intertwined hearts. I do seem like an impulsive shopper eh? Truth is, I have this limit of tolerance. I get bored really easily and then I end up just nodding and agreeing with anything people push onto me because my brain starts taking a backseat and I just can't wait to get the whole ordeal over with. But, I'm still a girl at heart, and nothing beats the high of a good bargain. *wink* Seriously though, sometimes when I observe the mannerisms and well, idiosyncrasies of other shoppers..their determination reminds me of this line.."I want what I want when I need it" said by Gabrielle Solis, Desperate housewives. Well, right now, I want the feet massage I want since I need it. I'm such a lousy shopper..sigh.
Friday, April 28, 2006
He calls himself the Hugging Machine. His infectious manner captivates an audience of diverse races and varying ages. He exudes charisma and is an inspiration to others. He's a living testimony of God's grace and mercy. He's an optimist, a fighter, a survivor. He rises above adversity and his secret weapon is his heart-warming smile and warm, loving character. He demonstrates a love and appreciation for life and never gives up. He's blonde, has nice eyes and sharp features. He, has no limbs.
Who is this guy who has been such an inspiration and an eye-opener to me? His name's Nick Vujicic and he's an Aussie. He was born with a birth defect, meaning he has no hands and no legs. What's heart-wrenching is the way he views and handles his disability. While others would have been cursing and questioning their fate, Nick takes it all in stride in a certainly brave manner. In the face of adversity, he found God. And now, he's giving talks and testifying how God turned his 'life without limbs into a life without limits'.
He must have come a long way in life. Seen much in his relatively young life. And done much more than an able-bodied person. The things he says often makes me feel so guilty and ungrateful in comparison. I quote " I see couples holding hands and I feel depressed because i will never be able to take my wife in my arms or hold my children to comfort them. How could i count it 'pure joy' being like this? Wouldn't it be great if a miracle happened and I was suddenly healed in front of your eyes? But you want to know the miracle God shows through my life?" He grins...and says " This is the miracle", referring to his ability to smile despite adversity.
This, my friends, is true courage. Bravery in the deepest sense. It takes nerves of steel to go through everyday like this. But one man did it. He did it with the help of God. He stands firm in his belief and he's among the top in the list of unsung heroes. From now one, I'll think of how blessed I am and count my blessings before I complain. People like him go through the thickest jungles, the driest deserts, the biggest storms and yet, they sing of praises to the Lord. What have I to go through in comparison? Nothing. I'm pampered, loved, and I have the gift of precious friendships. All which I value. It certainly is true how we disregard and take a lot of things for granted. I really take my cap off for people like Nick Vujicic. I feel much humbled and in awe. He clearly demonstrates the life of a person who walks closely with God. To make light of his disadvantages because he knows and believes that God has a bigger plan for him. And how right he is. His lifestory is one to applaud. His tenacity in overcoming obtacles is much admired. I believe his existence alone has changed the way people view life. He is the living proof that nothing is above God. That God is and will always be there to help us in life. It's only up to us to call upon Him.
Note: If you're interested to know more about Nick, buckle up for an inspiring ride to his website.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Miracles do happen. Sometimes, in times like these, my dreams and fantasies from a long time ago comes back to pay me a visit. It's nice to curl up and snuggle in old memories. Childhood does pass fast doesn't it? Innocence only lasts once. Anyway, I'm glad and very very blessed to be able to have had a splendid childhood, with bittersweet memories to carry with me through the obstacles later to come.
I passed my driving test today. The euphoria, was nothing compared to the abundant relief that washed over me. No more chauvinist instructor, no more having someone scream at me in a language I hardly understand a few centimetres away from my poor ear, no more torture. Release, is sweet ! No, sweet, is an understatement. But right now, I can't think of a better word. Fantastic maybe, unbelievable.
A verse a good friend told me about really really helped. "Say to God, "How wonderful are the things you do, that your enemies will bow down in fear before you" Psalms 66:3 I've come across this verse before. In passing, or when someone tells me not to fear. But I've never experienced the extreme comfort like it gave me today. I am blessed to be so loved. To know in the truest, deepest sense what love really means. It really is comforting to know that no matter what, someone is there, watching and guarding over you.
Onto something else, who can resist those sexy lines and curves. Voluptuous and firm to the touch. And that ultra, uber husky, rich, silky sound. All smooth, satiny, glossy, veneer that speaks of understated class. Chic. Luxurious. She's so beautiful, in the hands of her true lover, simple strokes and strums can lead to unparalled heights of hearing-euphoria. What am I blabbering about? None other than the Latin guitar. My ultimate love. I've a personal reason for loving the Latin guitar so much. Has to do with sunny beaches and calm waves rolling in as they lap at the shore. Shan't go into that, but it's that easy. Lyrical music, beautiful words, the uber sexy Latin guitar in the background, and I've been struck in love.
Right now, I'm listening to Chris Daughtry's rendition of "Have You Ever Really Love a Woman". It has always been a favourite, always potent, but tonight, it's lethal. The words are really beautiful. And once again, it's worked it's magic on me. Maybe I'll blog about it some other day. For now, I'm going to let him serenade me to sleep . What an utterly beautiful way to end a beautiful day.
Good night and sweet dreams..
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Most of the finer things in life are often misinterpreted. Sometimes, it's the little things that make up the big picture. Simple, everyday things in life that we often take for granted.
There was this saying, by Helen Keller, if i'm not mistaken, which goes, "I thought I was unlucky because I had no shoes, until I saw a man with no legs. " How true. More often than not, we indulge in self-pity but we fail to think of the many others out there who are underprivileged. I should be happy that I'm able-bodied, that I'm able to breathe without needing the assistance of machines. That I don't need to pray and hope and suffer just for the next breath. I should be happy that I'm protected from all the awful things happening out there. That I don't live in a war-torn country, that I'm able to have access to the Internet, the window to the world, that I have the comforting warmth of family and the glowing companionship of close friends.
Most of us have access to great treasures. Treasures no amount of money can purchase. But we don't realise it. To me, simple pleasures lie in :
- Having your grandfather buy you chocolates and all things sweet eventhough you've outgrown them years ago.
- Learning how to lace your shoelaces because you did them wrongly the first time round. Laughing at your silliness, giggling and doing it wrong all over again.
- Meeting friends whom you've not seen for a long while and letting those years you've been apart fade away as we catch up on each other's lives.
- Reading a good book, listening to some soothing music and forgetting for a while that out there, the world's whirring madly and mercilessly.
- Sitting down and having a cozy chat with family. Those who really care something for you.
- Looking at old photos. Reminiscing on those times and knowing there are more to come.
There is more to this, but for now, I'm going off to indulge in the very pleasurable pastime of sinking deep into a book. To mingle and weld into the richness of the plot. Sometimes, little things do matter more than the 'bigger', more superficial things.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
The world is filled with good fathers,
But how do we recognise them?
They're the ones who are stern and hard on the outside,
But inside, they're warm, loving and yes, unmanly soft,
They're the ones who wait anxiously when you're back late,
then threaten to ground you for life for causing your mum to worry,
They're the ones who loved us plenty,
listened for our heartbeat,
even before we ever arrived,
They're the ones who fights adversaries for us,
from monsters under the bed to tattooed thugs,
They're the ones who admonish your brother for teasing you,
then promptly gangs up with him to continue ,
They're the ones who scolds you sternly in front of mum,
then send you a conspiratorial wink when she turns around,
They're the ones who tell you over and over again to learn to be independant,
but call you 3 times a day to find out whether you're O.K,
They're the ones who are busy busy and busy,
yet there seems to be an eternity of time made available for his little ones,
They're the ones God sent to guide us,
guardian angels who light the path for us,
But most af all,
They're the ones who try their utmost to be good fathers,
not knowing that the battle had already been won,
and they were the Victors.
It's that phase where a majority of us all dread. When we try to put on a brave front but inside, we're reeling. It's that inevitable phase where mothers' realise that their little ones have grown up and it's time. It's time for them to spread their wings and embark on a new journey. To explore and come across new lands and discoveries. It's also the part where fairytales come to an end. It's hard I guess. But it's unavoidable.
Why is it that letting go is so hard to do? My mum has friends who keep going.."Oh, you can actually bear to see your daughter off to study? I'll never be able to do that...it's hard la". And I begin to wonder. Letting go is a part of life. It's something we're all braced for in some way or other. Be it in a relationship or in this instance, when a child grows up and it's time to leave home. I mean, how long do you expect your child to always remain a child? If a mother bird doesn't let it's young spread their wings and leave the nest, then well, birds wouldn't be able to learn how to fly would they? And when it applies to migratory birds, those little ones wouldn't be able to stand up for themselves in self-preserverence. Besides, birds just don't spread their wings and voila ! they're expert pilots. No, they fall, they pick themselves up again, and they try, over and over and over again. It's disheartening to watch, but I think it's that little thing we so loosely term 'growing up'.
Of course, I understand how tough it can be at times. Time sure flies sometimes doesn't it? I've heard parents sighing when their 'little monsters' race around madly, biting each other, screaming and kicking and they'd shake their heads and go, " I just can't wait for you to grow up"..On the other hand, I think more often than not, parents look at their little ones and they think "Boy, I wish time would stop right now, and you stay like this for some time. " And before you know it, those little toddlers who used to drag their tiny little feet, dragging their favourite toy of the moment in their wake, are replaced by moody teenagers, dragging their feet along as you bellow at them to clean up their rooms or make their beds. Then, before you realise it, those same rebellious teens shrug off their indifference, and regale you with hopes, dreams and aspirations to become doctors, engineers, designers, pilots and every other thing imaginable that'll moist proud mamas' eyes even as they realise that no more would they be able to continue on this journey with their kids. It's when they know that 'letting go' is the next big step they'd have to brave.
Seriously though, I think that the whole letting go thing has been implemented gradually. When a baby first learns to walk, that's the first part of letting go. It's that urge of wanting to rush forward and clasp his tiny little fist everytime he falls. But you know you have to let go and let him pick himself up and learn. It's that first step he takes into nursery and he clings onto your legs, but no matter how heart-wrenching it may be, you pry his little fingers off, and let go. Now, he's asking to go off and make a man of himself, and you let go, let go even as you try to blink away those incipient tears.
There's this saying that goes round, you'll never know how your parents feel until you have kids of your own. Well, that's a long way in coming for me, but personally, I think I can quite imagine. Still, I myself have been guilty of first degree obstinance and rebellion. In self-defense, I'd reiterate by saying, all part and parcel of growing up. But I do wonder how it feels like on the other side of the line. The receiving end of it.
Anyway, this post has been a mumbo-jumbo of mixed topics. So, picking up from where I was before I digressed, I think it's undeniable that letting go is indeed a tear-jerking event. But, thank God for modern day technology, it's easy for parents to keep in touch with their kids. People can be separated by miles and miles of sea and land but yet, with a few wires, a few techie aplliances and it's as if they're already in the same room. Wonder how our ancestors got by. But then again, in those days kids probably didn't travel any further than the next town. With that, I think I'd end this post.
Monday, April 17, 2006
It's impossible to fathom. You shake your head trying to deny the thoughts that are lurking there. You keep screaming "No !" in your mind even as your heart realises the fact. Recognises it. Like a shard of glass searing all other thoughts.
You close your eyes, but the hard, cold reality is there. Ever there. Like a fugitive, you try to run away from it. But the faster you run, it seems to only be keeping close to your heels. You turn away from it, but it faces you in the face every time. Wildly, you look for a way out, but the escape evades you. You feel the dreams and fantasies you had of life slipping through your fingertips. Slowly, achingly and surely.
You look around at the familiar faces surrounding you but you only see strangers. You search hard for something you recognise but you seem to find none. Like a mirage, they blur before you. Fading away. It is brutal. But it is also that brutality that lets you know you're still alive, because it pierces through the numbness you made yourself feel. It invades the sanctuary in which you seek solace in, away from the facts.
The pain is there. Ever insistent to let you know of it's cruel existence. It grips and twists around your heart. Steel manacles that latches onto your most sensitive nerves. Upending them. You're nothing but a jangled mass of mixed emotions. Of pent-up rage you try hard to contain, but as each fact sets in, you lose control.Notch by notch. You cling tenaciously to wit's end. Praying and hoping that all this is just a dream. An evil one. But no, it's real. It's real because you run but keep tripping over those same feelings you're fleeing from. And each time you fall, the pain magnifies. Intensifies. Until those tears you tried so hard to keep inside starts to spill. Bringing with it the release of that evil monster you were running from but couldn't hide from. Unleashed, it does more damage. Like an ocean of icy cold water, it douses the fire and passion for life that fueled you and kept you going. Tears pour from your soul, streaking white hot paths down your cheeks as you confront 'it'. You look it in the eye. The tormented facing the tormentor.
It takes an effort, but you force yourself to sleep. Fitful, dreamless sleep. For a while, it seems as if the transparent sheet of glass separating you and shielding you from the realities out there has crashed to the ground. Shards of broken glass are all that's left of the security you once felt.
But as the first beams of sunrise peek from behind those clouds and morning dawns, the truth glimmers at you the way sunlight glints off the edges of those sharp glass, bringing with it a flicker of hope. You avert your eyes from it but it doesn't deny the fact that it's there. But, you bolster up your courage and try to piece together the scattered pieces of the puzzle. Time heals all wounds, but like a piece of broken glass pieced together, the scars still remain. A reminder of that pain you felt so deep. A token of your bravery in picking up the pieces of your life after that. Memories of those who kept by your side. Keeping a silent vigil over you. Trying to infuse their own strength and spirit into yours. They too, felt a fragment of your pain, but only you know the magnitude of it because you got the brunt of it all. Of misplaced trust. Of misconstrued care. The events that led to that inevitable pain. The pain, of betrayal.
Friday, April 14, 2006
Without love, what is life? - Long, long way to go, Def Leppard
When it rains, what do you do? Besides, running out to collect the clothes, that is.
Whenever it rains and pours, it's nice to sit down and listen to it. As it splatters on the gravel, the little pitter-pattering on the window panes, as it flows down slopy grounds, it's one of the best music that Mother Nature has ever orchestrated. Ever realise how clear everything is after the rain? The trees seem greener, the sky looks bluer than ever, the air smells fresh with that earthy smell that the rain brings, rainbows may peek out, prisms of colour framing fluffy white clouds. It's as if everything comes to life again.
One thing I like to do when it rains, is to think, really explore the hidden depths of my mind and dig out whatever thoughts there are in there, turn it round and round, scrutinize the many facets of it, and later dispose of it. I've been more of a thinker than anything else, and today's one of those days, it's raining now, a mere drizzle no doubt, but it's comforting as I let it envelope me. Ensconced in it's soothing rhythm. With 'popera' lending it's deep, velvety, rich melody to it all, it's a beautiful day to sit and ponder.
They say that if you want to see the rainbow, you must first endure the rain. Well, I think the rain isn't too much to bear is it? Anyway, all this talk of rain and all has it's purpose. Today's quote led me to do some thinking. It's a song I've listened to lots of times before, but it's only today that this line hit me. Without love, what is life. Well, there are lots of other things to life other than lost love. Of course, the sting is there initially, but after that, I really don't understand all the fuss people make because of it. They wallow in self pity, refuse to eat, cry their eyes out, cry themselves to sleep and cry when they wake up because they think life is too unbearable without 'love'. Note, I'm talking about the love that couples share, not the familial love. That love, is ever consistent, I think that no matter, the love your family lavishes on you is the most unique, exquisite kind. That love, will never change, it only grows deeper each day, as it blooms into bouquets after bouquets of undying love.
Anyway, back to where I was before I digressed. I think it's very silly to expect the sun to stop shining, the seas to stop reaching the shores, the earth to stop spinning and you to stop existing simply because of something past. In fact, it's sad, very sad that most 'love songs' are about love lost. About wanting to cry, to drink into oblivion, to not live anymore, of dying spirits and broken hearts left unmended....isn't it extremely depressing and a tad selfish at the same time. There are more important things in the world, there are people dying of hunger, malnutrition, losing loved ones in wars, children suddenly losing the security of what they held dear, children having to take all kinds of abuse because they're vulnerable and defenseless and here we are, singing of something trivial in comparison. Why is it that they fight to survive every day and can carry on living, but we don't want to continue living and think the world has to come to an end simply because things didn't turn out the way we wanted it to? Who are the real heroes here? Who needs more empathy but who's getting more sympathy most of the time? Besides that, why do we endlessly allow someone to put our emotions at the end of yo-yos and play with it?
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
You were once a part of me, but then I got busy with more 'important' things and I forgot you. I thought I was happy just because I could smile though the smile never really reached my eyes. It was only some time later that I realised how important you were to me. You're the sun in my skies and the rainbow after the rain. So now, I spend more time with you. God gave everyone of us one of you. I wonder how I could have lived without you. Laughter.
I think laughter is that one thing a lot of us underestimate. It's undeniably one of the many things we take for granted. What would happen if one day, this world was free of laughter? Wouldn't it be sorely missed? Isn't laughter just the best miracle drug that gives us a natural high? It's that rumble that starts from the stomach, spreads all the way up and sparkles and winks from the eyes.
Alright, so why am I writing about this, you may ask. Frankly, I don't really know. It just struck me that laughter is that one thing that contributes to happiness. I mean have you seen a happy person looking grim and sour and black clouds seem to be hanging around his head? I think the person who laughs the least, needs it the most. They say "smile, like you mean it", but it's hard to laugh and not mean it. So, let's all just laugh and be happy for a while. Be it a jolly ho! ho! ho! like Santa or a rusty cackle, it's our heart singing in joy.
Anyway, Josh just came back home some time back sporting a new haircut. Haha, it seems his unruly curls are just a bit too much to handle. And, it also proves another theory. Teachers are meant to be teachers and not hairdressers or barbers. Right now, he's gone to a real hairdresser to get the mop of his hair chopped off professionally this time. He said he looked like those indigenous people. I thought he looked well, like the masterpiece one gets when you trust a pair of shears in the hands of a deliberately inept 'hairdresser'. He'll be back anytime soon, seems he wants his new hairdo to be about 1mm 'long'. So, I've got to get my ruler ready, hide my smile and hopefully suppress the laughter bound to rise. And oh yeah, do him the liberty of finding him his cap. Ain't I just a 'good' and 'supportive' sister? But shucks, he'll still be Josh, a lighter-headed one no doubt.
On a total change of subject, wouldn't it just be crushing if you told someone 'I Love You' and that person replies "Thank you' ? Maybe that's the fear that's keeping people from telling their loved ones that. But which is worse? Regretting not saying it at all or regretting the answer but not the fact that it's flushed out of your system? Probably that explains why there's this saying "If you love somebody, tell them. You never know what tomorrow brings. " So, if you're reading this now and wondering, yes, I Love You. And please, spare me your gratitude this time. And don't bother being polite and thanking me. ; D
I'm off for my daily dose of daydreaming. Ciao !
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
I was pondering about certain things today. If all goes well, I'll be leaving soon for college. Leaving the things I love, cherish and am familiar with behind while I embark on this new journey. I shall miss all the things which were an integral part of my life. I shall miss the familiar faces and places I hold dear to my heart. It was then that I wondered, what will I be missed for? Will I even be missed? They say it's important to leave a lasting impression on your future employer or someone you want to well, impress... but I think it's also important to be a lasting memory and be an imprint in the hearts of those who matter. Thomas Edison is the reason why you're able to read this and see things in the dark, Einstein will be remembered for his genius, Colonel Sanders will come to mind whenever we think of KFC, Newton told us why we don't float around instead of walk, but what will people think of when they think of me?
I may never know the answer to that, but, I certainly remember the many things that mattered enough because the people who created those memories mattered to me, those who had visited my heart, decorated it and signed my guestbook. So,
Do you remember when I used to come home and subject you to the torture of listening to my childish chatter? From what I ate to what I did in school, I'd give you a lengthy dissertation of my day.
Do you remember the times we'd play silly games in the car and laugh at our own silly jokes? We used to have 'Queen's' and 'King's' day and whoever was 'coronated' got to pick the tv channels.
Do you remember the time when we used to go by the name 'The Three Musketeers'? One for all and all for one. One musketeer's gone to become a heroine (wirawati) while the other two are waiting to be rescued from boredom.
Do you remember the big family of sisters we had? In the name of sisterhood, we had a family 'portrait' drawn with all the 'sisters' labeled.
Do you remember the little terrors we were ? Trampling around our class's mini garden, creating our own herbal medicines? The times we snuck out of class because Art was too boring to us? We were already 'artistically' making flower cups out of leaves.
Do you remember the secret handwriting we had? It's unbelievable how after 6 years, every alphabet's still fresh in my memory. I know you remember too ! *wink*
Do you remember going to the library every recess time so that we could borrow books? You would read those mystery stories and finish them within a day while I looked on in amazement.
Do you remember the 'sei tai tin wong' ? I never knew what that means but I'm sure it's something good since it was such a blessing to be a part of it. Oh ya, and the 'dinner' Pn. Chan was supposed to give us.
Do you remember those times when my brother would be me and I be him on the phone because we used to sound so alike.
Do you remember the times when we would yak away as if there was no tomorrow? It's amazing how we never run out of things to talk about.
Do you remember the 'ghosts' we thought resided in out school? The times we ran from the toilet and shushed each other every time we went to the bookshop because it was near the graveyard?
Do you remember eating sweets in class and painting our nails although we knew very well how wrong we were. I still can't believe we did it.
Do you remember pretending we were studying and paying rapt attention when we were actually passing notes under the desk or else sleeping ?
Do you remember telling me I'll never get over 'it' and instead of crying I burst out laughing? Your frankness always gets the better of me. Maybe a little insanity rubbed off on me.
Do you remember the times when we would sit down and talk about love? If it even exists and what would happen if your heart got broken? I'll always be there for you and I hope you'll be there for me too. We'll be the glue mending each other's heart and with a sprinkle of friendship and star dust, the crack will seal and heal.
Do you remember laughing at witty quotes and staying up late to crap?
Do you remember all that and more? I do and always will. You have left imprints in my mind and footprints all over my heart. Pictures may fade away, but memories never will. They, last forever. And no matter how far away from each other we may be, the distance between us will never be enough to distant you from my thoughts and my heart.
Monday, April 10, 2006
If I could have one special power, I'd want the ability to control time, being able to slow it down when it rushes too fast and to speed it up when it crawls. I wouldn't want to be able to foresee the future, that will take away the fun of surprises, be it pleasant or unpleasant.
If I were to choose a vacation, I'll choose one by the beach, where the waves sing their wistful song, the sun smiles down, and the wind teases my hair. All good things in life are to be shared and no vacation is complete without having a companion, so I'll bring that special someone along or my best buddy.
If I could be anything, I'd want to be a butterfly. It's one of nature's big surprises that sluggy caterpillars grow to be so beautiful and graceful and though their lives are short and fragile, they flutter around, bringing beauty,colour and life to gardens and live among flowers.
If someone were to ask me what I would like to be like when I grow up, I'd say I want to be courageous and kind, sophisticated and able to stand my ground, witty and intelligent. But most of all, I'd want to be myself. Not to be influenced by others from changing who I already am.
If I were granted a wish, I'd wish for complete happiness for everyone in the world. Life can be so empty without that spark of happiness. If everyone is happy, there won't be wars, there won't be heartaches, there won't be sorrow or tears. Happiness is greater than any treasure ever bestowed upon mankind.
If I make someone my everything, then how will I be able to function when that person walks out with my everything?
If I could change something about myself, I'd want to be less vulnerable, to be firm and not be pushed around so much. I want to be able to speak my mind.
If someone asked me whether I would trade my brother for a sister, I'd say hell, no ! As it is, he's already both and I met a friend who has become the sister I never had and much more.
If I were asked whether I believe in love at first sight, I'd say no, I believe in attraction and infatuation but not love at first sight. Love is something much deeper, it's not something to play around with because it involves another person's heart and as we all know, they're easily broken cos they're more fragile than glass.
If I could play the piano better, I'd want to be a pianist. I harboured a secret wish to be a writer, but all I'd probably write would be this blog.
If there's something I really hate, it would be having someone control me in any way. I don't appreciate someone dictating what I should and shouldn't do, what to think and what not to think, where to go and where not to go. I like having my own thoughts and doing what I like. Sometimes, I wish those people would get a life of their own, then they can stop planning other people's lives for them.
If I were asked to describe dreams, I'd liken sweet dreams to clouds. White, fluffy and ethereal. I think life is like our wondrous sky. The sun lets us see the light, stars let us believe in miracles even when things look dark and bleak, and after the stormy turbulence of bad experiences, a rainbow is the arch of joy that sets things straight again.
If I weren't so bored, then I wouldn't be sitting here wishing and dreaming and thus this post wouldn't have existed and you wouldn't be subjected to read this flow of nonsensical blabber.
Sunday, April 09, 2006
It's the four letter L word. It's the one syllable word that causes butterflies to flutter in stomachs, heartbeats to skip, and pulses to quicken. It's the word that causes tears of joy to flow, washing away sorrows from the heart through the windows of the soul. It's also the word that causes pain and worry inadvertently.
Love at first sight is when a mother beholds her child for the very first time and a lifetime pledge of unflailing love is promised in that one single glance.
Undying love is the fondness that old couple share for each other. From holding their first born child to their first born grandchild, it's the infectious affection that twinkles in their faded eyes.
Sibling love is the one you share with the brother who teases you mercilessly, hides your most prized teddy, and sniggers when he pulls your ponytail loose in a mall, but doesn't hesitate to avenge the first guy to trample over your heart.
Puppy love is the little boy who gave you your first flower in kindergarten.
Incomprehensible love is being Daddy's little girl no matter how old you are. It's when Daddy walks his little girl down the aisle while remembering some time not so long ago when he was walking her to nursery and she was whimpering. This time, it's Daddy who has a suspicious sheen of tears in his eyes.
First love is that heady feeling you get whenever you think of that special person. Of being an eloquent speaker but when you come face to face with that person, your tongue twists into knots and you make an inane fool of yourself, but she laughs and comprehends what you're saying anyway. It's when Cupid chooses to practise his archery skills and you feel the tugging in your heart, the place where his arrow struck a chord.
True love is when you know the receiver isn't Miss or Mister Universe or Superman or Superwoman or she's a clueless cook and he, a hopeless sports fan whereas you know you can't tolerate a bunch of men kicking balls in a field but loving that person anyway. It's finding that quick "goodbye, see you tonight, love" note on the fridge in the morning, holding hands while watching the evening news or finding fulfilment in sitting sprawled on the floor doing jigsaw puzzles and finding that the best pastime of all. It's accepting someone as a whole, flaws, imperfections, cutesy antics and all.
Lost love are those cherished memories that will always be tucked in some corner of your heart. In never regretting anything, but taking it all as a sweet, surreal experience.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
It's driving day again today. Now, I don't hate my instructor so much anymore. I hate myself more. Beside the fact that I'm totally inept when it comes to my motor skills, I can't seem to get it into my thick skull the proper balance between the clutch and the brake and the hand brake. Different people have told me different things and I am sooo confused ! Never have I been so much on the verge of tears until the point when I banged down a frigging pole and as the pole clattered noisily on the gravel, so did my composure. It took a Herculean effort not to lean my forehead on the steering wheel and weep. All the pent-up relunctance and resistance towards driving was slowly and surely bubbling towards the surface of my deceiving calm. I think even my instructor has given up on me. Now, I know how important it is to be able to communicate in the same language.
Today, I got scolded because of some tyre alignment problem I couldn't set straight. I looked blank because I didn't know which line on the tar road he was referring to. He, thought that I didn't understand Cantonese and thus started to illutrate through sign language what he meant. It was hopelessly hilarious, and I had to cup my hands over my mouth as I convulsed in frustrated, helpless laughter. It was horrid I tell you. It was impossible to stifle the hysterical laughter that was so close to the surface, and the instant I laughed, I regretted it. My instructor actually looked as if he was seriously considering to do bodily harm towards me. Not that I blame him. As his face turned shades of purple, I fumbled around in my cluttered brain for an explanation in Cantonese only to realise and belatedly remember that I SUCK in that particular language, thus I didn't know what to say. So, I just settled for "Sorry". As if that explained everything. Sigh.
Anyway, I was forced to take a mock test today. And, as expected, I 'passed' with 'flying colours'. Well, alright, it was bad with a capital B. Right now, the frustration of everything is rising like bile in my throat. I wish I can just go somewhere and spit it out. But like most things in life, it's unavoidable. And, I'll never rest until the day I master this weakness. I'm adamant to succeed and I sincerely hope I will. *resigned sigh* ( someone told me that only elderly folks sigh, and I seem to be doing that a lot, so, do I qualify as old? )
Friday, April 07, 2006
If there is one thing I particularly resent, it's hypocrisy. Sadly, as humans, we all succumb to it. From the little, inconsequential things to the big scale ones. For example, a couple goes out shopping and the girlfriend goes and tries on a dozen outfits. All the time, the girl pesters the boyfriend for an opinion.
Girl: Darling, how do I look ?
Guy: Honey, you look just fab ! (all the while not even looking at her while surreptitiously stealing glances at his watch cos the game's going to start soon on TV )
Well, at least this is forgiveable. It is a known fact that guys and girls don't share the same love when it comes to shopping. That's why girls turn to their girlfriends as shopping partners. In all fairness, some girls do push the limits. Anyway, before I digressed, what certainly ticked me off is the issue of the arrest of a young couple because some closet minded lunatic thinks that their show of public affection is indecent ! Come on, they were only showing their affection for each other. And in the first place, I think the person who arrested them was just frigging RUDE to have been looking at them anyway. And a part of 'society' looks at them, clucking their tongues, thinking that they are virtuous and sinless and ever so right. NOT ! Yea, as if they themselves don't engage in such acts. And, the said couple is above 21 years old, I'm sure they have their own lives to account for themselves and the last thing they need is some busybody poking into their affairs.
I'm not condoning the young couple's act, neither am I going to rebuke them. Knowing the general mentality of the people, they should have had more sense than to 'display public affection' in an Asian country, what more a Muslim one. But, I think this whole uproar is senseless. Personally, I think there are much more pressing, serious issues that need the attention of the party involved. It just goes to prove how hypocritical people get. I mean, where is the love? Is showing your love in a, well, physical way wrong? Besides, if the girl chooses to defile herself and defame the good name of her family, it really isn't none of your blinking business. It's a free world. And you really can't brainwash or coerce someone into thinking the way you do. If that were the case, God wouldn't have made humans, He would have made robots. I think it's repulsive the way we hide our own flaws and find sublime pleasure in pointing out other people's flaws, without first looking in the mirror. They're young, they're hot-blooded and they're normal, healthy youngsters. They didn't do anything wrong besides having emotions and a heart. I can't say the same about those spineless nincompoops though. Sad. In turn these innocent couple have to take the brunt of the blame. Millions of other people display public affection, a chaste peck on the cheek, even the lips, an affectionate hug. Little gestures that enrich a relationship. And whether or not it's done in public or in private, the fact still remains that they did it. So, it doesn't really matter. Anyway, if you find the sight so revolting, then DON'T look ! Simple. I can't discern what's the matter with some people. Maybe it boosts their self-esteem, maybe it makes them feel great, maybe they think they're doing something really noble. Aphrodisiacs to their hollow, shallow souls. Well, to each man his own, they say.
Not everyone is a prude. No one is morally right. If so, then the whole lot of us would be priests and vicars and pastors and imams and whatever else. I myself have my own flaws, so I'll work on those first before I go around playing the role of God. Before I end, allow me to congratulate the nation. Once again,we have just succeeded in making ourselves laughingstocks in the eyes of more developed, Western countries. Ever wondered why they do better? That's because they're more open-minded, less judgemental and invest their time and effort into more promising, profitting ventures. And, they don't mess into other people's business either. Something I observe Asians find hard, if not, impossible to do.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
It's one of those slow days again. Or maybe my days just seem slow because they aren't exactly activity-packed. I've read two novels in two days. Both proved to be pleasant reads and time flew by while I was engrossed in them. A minor diversion. And now, out of sheer desperation, I'm actually thinking of digging out my Add Maths workbook and 'indulge' in a few hours of brain torture.
Besides that, I'm dreading my next driving lesson. It's official. I loathe it. I loathe everything that has to do with learning to drive. I loathe the slopes, I loathe the parking with those awful, spindly poles, I loathe loathe loathe ! Period. Don't get me wrong though, I love driving, I sincerely do, I just HATE my instructor and I'm positive, based on my female intuition that he positively loathes me too. It's just a matter of time before I murder him, that is if he hasn't already wrung my neck before that. Seriously though, I've been stemming the urge to floor the accelerator just for the heck of it. Ha ha, I remember my music teacher telling me that he'll be nicer to me after that. Too bad he has a brake on his side of the car. Well, it never hurts to dream. I wish my Cantonese was better. Then at least I'll be able to 'communicate' with him. At least I'll be able to stand for myself and not just take his verbal abuse like a witless idiot. Sigh, two more lessons, 4 more loooong hours before I get to attempt at the test and get the coveted P license. Well, in all honesty, he ain't all that bad. I'm just feeling really moody right now. And irrational to boot. Oh, and it's funny how people forget my name after some time. I become 'girl' or 'wei' after a few days......sigh. I'm just made to be forgettable eh?
Right now, I'm having a really bad headache. It's been nagging at me all morning. But, in typical me style, I'm sitting in front of a computer screen, absorbing whatever harmful rays thus intensifying my headache. I've just taken leave of the better part of my senses. Masochistic in a way. By the way, I thought the above quote was really ironic. Caught my attention. In the future, I think I'll be posting quotes before each post. However irrelevant they may be to the topic.
Alright, I'm gonna go take a rest now. I'm having trouble opening my eyes against the throbbing between my ears...
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Anyway, I chose to wear the silliest outfit for one of the most important events in my entire life. I shan't go into details there. No point humiliating myself even more. All I'm going to say is, the moment I stepped out of the lift and beheld the mass of smartly groomed humans in suits and ties and baju kurung in all colours of the rainbow, I wished the earth would open up and swallow me whole. I was mentally kicking myself for not opting for the smart skirt mum asked me to wear. Whatever was done was done.
I met a few schoolmates there. And a classmate. We found out that we were going to be in the same group for the interview, applying for the same course. Kind of weird actually. Imagine being conspirators in class, striving together, and now, we were supposed to 'compete' for something. Somehow I found that hard to do. Good thing was, once inside the room, we were silently encouraging each other. Spurring each other on. Thank God for friends. *wink*
Anyways, this year, the PSD people decided to change the format a bit. Instead of just an English interview, we were to go through a BM one too. Nothing much really. More like oral in school. Oh, but before the interview, we all had to sit for an aptitude test. One of the, well, easiest, weirdest test. More of a questionairre than a test. I know a billion people can come up with a reason for carrying out such a test, but personally, I think it would have been peanuts to cheat. The test is supposed to 'help' them 'read' you and further understand you. Here are a few out of the 294 questions. It's a yes or no test.
- Can you use a sewing machine, or any other form of machines? *hmm...does the computer count?*
- Do you want to be an astronaut? *I'm afraid of heights and the fact that the gravity pull on the moon is weak seems very daunting to me. I'm so clumsy, I might fall off the moon....sigh*
- Do you like/enjoy listening to other people's problems ? *What? And be called a busybody? Unless a friend chooses to confide in me, otherwise I don't think I want to act as unregistered shrink* (this question was repeated like 5 times btw )
- Can you draw ? *if stick figures and distorted things count, then yes. *
- Can you lift heavy objects without help? *considering the fact that I am a female, and not in the least a weight-lifter, no. I don't look forward to getting hernia and further jeopardizing my health either.*
- Do you mind getting your hands dirty? *in chocolate and edible stuff, no...= P other than that, I suffer from self-professed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) *
- Do you enjoy taking apart things and assembling them together again? * yes actually, since I have nothing better to do other than dismantling a perfectly working wall fan, bringing all the pieces out, then hunting around for the screws which are bound to have bounced off somewhere, then for the next 2 hours or so trying to fix it back again, only to realise I would need professional help and call in a repairer. *
- Do you like buying things and assembling your own things out of it? *hmm....to put a whole new perspective to DIY, i'm collecting scrap metal, so that I can assemble my own car. Although car prices have dropped drastically, it's cheaper this way. I wouldn't test the car on the road if I were you though*
- Are you creative? * I over-imagine things, and plot scenes in my head. Does that count? *
- Do you appreciate beauty? Is beauty important in your life and does it affect your mood? * well, unless you're blind, beauty is an important thing to everybody, no matter how hard you try to deny it. It's an inherent need in every normal human being, be it subconsciously or consciously. Mood-wise..hmm...feng shui emphasizes on it i think. Though personally, I think red is a ghastly colour*
Well, as you can see, these weren't all that practical. Anyone without a conscience would easily be able to make herself/himself look like a superhuman. I think a polygraph test or graphalogy would have been much more practical. But students would probably faint due to pre-testing tension so maybe scratch that.
The interview itself was quite fun and interesting actually. It wasn't the neck-clawing, squabbling, hostile, killing-each-other-for-a-chance-to-speak, everyone-tries-to-speak at once scenario I pictured. We were given 2 topics to discuss. Mine was 'Unemployment among graduates' and 'Students nowadays are pampered'. Interesting topics eh? I think I went something like this. "Well, in my opinion, kids today are pampered because they are pampered and their parents pamper them and they don't realise they are pampered and they grow up to be pampered kids because their parents pamper them too much and they become spoilt and pampered, and that's why people say they are pampered. Thank you ". An hour zoomed by just like that and we were sent on our ways with hope swelling in some hearts.
I was exhausted by the time I came back. I spent 7 hours there by the way. I met a few friends and we grouped up to 'discuss' topics but as usual, when teenagers group together, we ended up crapping(due to the stress maybe) and laughing and giggling. We were the only group insane enough to be doing that, others were studiously reading newspapers and stacks of A4 sized papers, stuffed with facts were strewn everywhere. Gave us a pretty good dose of guilt.
Anyway, I just slept for a record-breaking 13 hours !! Kind of made up for the previous days' lack of sleep. I had short-term insomnia the last few days. Thank goodness I'm cured. Interviews and big agendas can be such effective causes and cures for chronic ailments eh?
Disclaimer : The questions posted above are just something like what came out. They are not exactly the same. The author did not in any way go against any confidential policies or whatsoever.
Monday, April 03, 2006
Throughout the entire course of my life, I have had the fortune and the blessing of the companionship of so many friends. I never really realised how important a role they played in my life until it came the time to say goodbye. Yes, in a way, I took their presence for granted. But misunderstand not, I value their friendship. Acquiantances are aplenty, but those fast friends, friends that stick with you through thick and thin, through all odds, those are the gems that will be forever embossed in the recesses of my mind. Their memories will always be a part of me, wherever I go, and whatever I do. This post is dedicated to those of you who have made a difference in my life, left footprints in my heart and made me who I am. If not for you, I may be a different person, lesser in many ways. I thank God for sending you my way, and that our paths intertwined.
*Note: These do not refer to one person alone. They describe how I feel about those who mean something to me. The list is endless, but I shall endeavour to do my best.
- We're direct opposites in a plethora of ways, but we find similarities in others. Maybe opposites DO attract !
- You're spunky and funny, quiet at times, but crazy at others. You're unpredictable and it is that never-knowing-what-to-expect-next-from-you thing that draws me to you.
- You're witty and make me laugh till my sides hurt. If laughing could make a person sated, contented and full, I count myself well-fed.
- I know that I can come to you whenever I need a friend. You're my co-conspirator and we go quite a long way back. How fast time flies. I remember stepping into school and thinking how 'grown-up' we were. Little did we know, the world was still ours to explore.
- You say the weirdest things at the oddliest moments and you voice what you think and feel. Unpretentious and genuine, you're one of a kind.
- You are the pillar i lean on and the first one I run to when I find myself in dilemmas. You tease me endlessly but it's all in the name of friendship.
- You make me laugh when I want to cry, problems melt into insignificance because I know you're there for me.
- You tell me my flaws and help me mend them. That's why knowing you made me a better person.
- You're thoughtful, insightful, caring and kind. One in a trizillion, you're utterly unique.
- The little things you do swell to gargantuous proportions simply because it never even crossed my mind that anyone, other than you, would have come up with it.
- You change opinions quicker than a chameleon changes it's colour. You're funny in that way. The fact that you don't realise how hilarious you can be makes you even more cuter.
- You are my partner in many escapades. We were 'prefects' but oh.so.naughty were we.
There. The list will go on because friendships are a lifelong commitment. I count myself blessed to be able to drink from the fountain of friendship. Like a vintage bottle of wine, the longer it ages, the better it gets. Inevitably, time will soon catch up with us, we may be old and wrinkled but deep down, I'm sure whenever I think back of all those quality moments, I shall sip again of that wine and revel again in the lulling drunkenness of happy moments.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
- I can't do one thing at a time. Multi-tasking has become second nature to me. I get restless really fast. By that I mean, that I can't sit still in a place longer than a few minutes. Even while I'm typing this, there's a book on my lap, the radio is blasting off songs and I'm chatting to a couple of people while simultaneously surfing the net.
- I can't just eat. I need to read something while I eat. Be it the day's paper, a magazine, a novel and yes, crazily, while I was still in school, my textbooks ! Biology and Chemistry being my favourites. Not because I 'adore' them, most of the time so that I get more than one thing done at once. I find eating a waste of time and I think it's lonesome to sit down to a meal alone. Hence, I literally force someone to accompany me. My bro being the victim most often.
- I linger unhealthyly over my food. Sometimes I get so engrosssed in something I spend hours over a meal. Much to my mother's chagrin. Besides, I don't like mixing the vege with the rice. It's weird how I partition my food on my plate. Methodically really.
- I can't just lie in bed doing nothing other than staring at the ceiling. I only go to bed when I'm too tired. I've been known to stay up till the wee hours of the morning simply because I couldn't sleep and I couldn't be bothered to try. I'll just sit up, grab a mag and glumly envy my brother's ability to just fall asleep just like that. Or I'll pace up and down my room, punch my pillows, drink lots and lots of water, make constant trips to the bathroom, then go back to my bed to sit and mull.
- I talk to myself. Haha, not the maniacal, nonsensical babbling kind of talk. But sometimes, when I need someone to talk to and nobody's there, I turn to myself. I've had a history of talk partners. From my dog, the goldfish I once had (goldfishes have such short memories, I bet he couldn't remember a thing) to my teddy and dolls. There are times when I mutter things to myself under my breath which draws raised eyebrows in my direction.
- I used to think that my dolls and teddy had lives and feelings. I used to think that when I turn my back, they will come to life and gossip among each other.
- I am intrigued by names. I used to plan names for my kids. (if I ever get them...haha) Odd thing is, I'll never name my kids after those I've already used for my dolls. Which are plenty. eg: Amanda, Alicia, Natasha, Ashley, Emma, Georgie, Kelly...etc.
- I never liked Barbie. Even at 5, I thought she was a bimbo. I still do. Btw, I have one. Compliments of my grandmother. I found her decapitated body sometime back. I found the head among my 'masak masak' set. Gruesome eh? Her 'luxurious' blonde hair was matted and lack-lustre and if she knew, Barbie would go into a Barbie-fit, spasm and foam at the mouth...
- I've never had a celebrity idol. I choose to look up to 'real' people. People that had made an impact on humanity. Not just the latest fashion, or how to dress oneself, and drape themselves in fur and take pride in wearing dead animals' skins and parade around in 6 inch heels and try to outdo and outkill each other with their ghastly diets, all the while influencing other innocent,unsuspecting people. The same goes for male celebs. Their frivolous, philandering lifestyles leaves lots to be amused with and little to be impressed. But I do like reading about them. What their latest antics involve and all.
- I have too much imagination. I'd think of the weirdest things out of normal everyday situations. I used to think that my neighbour was involved in some kind of cult and I always think that all the lifts I ride in are going to free-fall or that somebody may be hijacking the bus and maybe my opposite neighbour was a mafia,with guns and all. Erm..I think u get the idea.
- I can be very quiet if I choose to be and extremely talkative at other times. I'm a feminist and I don't appreciate it when men belittle women. I'm so not the kind to stand by and let sexists who think that women should be seen but not heard get away with it. It's the 21st century for Pete's sake. Wake up ! I've met many a gentleman, but sadly, I've had the ill-fortune of coming across the above said chauvinists. Under-educated I should say. The next time some idiot has something condescending to say about women, I'll ask him " And your mother is....."
- I wish upon stars and believe in miracles and angels.
- I fall in love with characters in books really easily. Reality hits you hard then, but while it lasts, I revel in the escapism of another world. A world where only I hold the key.
- I love water. Nothing beats it. When I say water, I mean anything to do with it...be it the sea, a pool or just H20. I drink lots and lots of it though sometimes I'm not even thirsty. Oh, and I'm always lazy to take my vitamins. Even the sugary sweet Vitamin C.
Guess that's all I can think of for now. I just ate this weird chee cheong fun which is purportedly famous and well-known. I've still to figure that out.