Prwetti

Today's Smile-Inducer : Pretty things . You walk around aimlessly, least expecting to have your heart dancing a little jig of its own at the sight you behold. It's the realization that there's beauty to be had in everything around us. Delicious splashes of colours that decorate the palette of the sky. Delicate patterns on the sand. Delectable scents and aromas wafting from kitchens and ovens. Understated everyday sights that are always left underappreciated. It's those moments that catch you offguard and stops the endless ticking of time that steals your breath away. Yes...pretty things and happy couples make me smile. =D

So sorry for the lack of updates lately. Just thought I'd drop off a smile inducer today as an apology for the past emo posts.... Been pretty busy preparing or making up for the lack thereof of daily tender moments with my textbooks.... Finals in a week!!! Wish me luck guys *crosses fingers*

Pain

is that shard of knowledge that you can't do anything to make things alright again

The waiting game

"How much of human life is lost in waiting" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

KUALA LUMPUR: The Government will consider declaring a health curfew only if the mortality rate of those infected with Influenza A (H1N1) goes above 0.4% from the current 0.1%-0.3%.

Read more

So.... let me get this right. We're actually going to be waiting for more people to die before we get off our asses and do something about the situation. Ty-pi-cal. These people are being so damn predictable *yawns* Give us something new already .... the guess-what-we're-gonna-do-next game's no longer interesting...

Maybe the people way up there who are "trying their best to do something" about anything should do this : volunteer to make up the additional 0.1-ish%.

Battle weary

Sorry for the long absence. I've been down with a fever the last week. Thankfully, it's not the H1N1 bug that seems adamant on infecting people these days. But, today's post has everything to do with H1N1 and ignorance and our collective spirit of Malaysia Boleh !

As we all know, the Influenza AH1N1 pandemic is becoming a rising concern here in Malaysia, or at least I prefer to think so. Unfortunately, I don't think Malaysians are really bothered that it's been robbing so many lives here in our nation.

Take for example the shopping malls. How many people actually bother to wear a face mask when they go out? Whilst I was sick the past week I made sure I wore a mask when I went near people simply because the idea of being a mass murderer wasn't appealing at all. But then I step into the LRT and I see people coughing their lungs out and not having the conscience to even cover their mouths !! It is stuff like these that irks the hell outta me. The fact that we Malaysians love to pride ourselves on being an educated lot, yet we overlook all these things so easily astounds me. Why aren't we taking a more proactive stand in battling this pandemic? Why are we so content with standing on the sidelines and wait and watch as the death toll rises everyday? How can we report that 7 million Malaysians are going to be affected by this virus, quote that number around and cough right into someone else's face whilst doing that? Such dexterity is worthy of a hearty round of applause.

Humans tend to be a selfish bunch at times. Money and the economy are more important than someone else's father or mother, son or daughter. Who cares as long as my own family stays safe right? I can't reschedule meetings, there's money involved there! Who cares if my boss gets a flu? Even better ! We can't take a week off school, how else are we going to make up for lost time? Students are healthy they'll get well within a few days! No biggie. I don't have to wear a mask even if I'm sick as a dog, I should really infect someone so at least I don't need to make the lonely journey of meeting the Creator alone right?! I don't need to care about someone else because my own kids,my own parents will never get it, it's always someone else who gets it, never me and mine.

How can it be that other countries are able to keep their casualty rates at such a low level and WORRY but yet we watch people dying and NOT WORRY because the 'percentages' are within 'safe' limits. Who cares about percentages??!!!! A 0.0001% already involves lives. Lives are not things we 'adjust within safe limits'. Lives are not statistics for us to show to people 'how effectively we're controlling the situation'. The greatest sin a human being can do is to dehumanize another human being. And that's exactly what we do best.

Oh yes, and I hear really stupid things like how face masks are really expensive to wear and people can't afford it. So yea, a RM1 mask is way too much of an investment to preserve a life. Another aspect to applaud is the shrewd business minded ability to have the non-conscience of using the market and demand for masks to generate a profit. What else can I say ? We should really give ourselves a pat on the back for Malaysia truly absolutely Boleh !

Cool

Today’s smile-inducer : Finding the zen zone

I’m an easily stressed person. By nature I tend to enforce upon myself strict expectations and rules in order to conform to the ‘perfect’ world dictated by the crazy perfectionist in me. The kaizen theory, very much advocated by the brother of mine lists complacency as one of the mighty sins that should never be committed. And to that I sometimes concur. But I’m beginning to see the flaws of my judgment, and I’ve come to realize that flaws are the outstanding marks that complete perfection.

“Do you like it when people call you a bookworm? It’s sooooo boring !” she said.

It’s immaturity like this that I can’t stomach. Why is there the eternal need to be cool? Why do people seek so much to belong that sometimes they don’t realize how disgusting and out of place their behavior gets? I see it all around me and I fail to comprehend what’s so cool… about being cool?

It further astounds me to see that most of these people are way past the age of 21 and yet choose to behave like 15 year olds hyped up on the insecurities of puberty ripe at the cusp of adolescence.

A good example is the sprouting of silly quizzes on facebook where they ‘predict’ the age at which one will lose one’s virginity. As expected, quizzes such as these solicit suggestive and sometimes vulgar responses. But seriously tell me, how cool does “Where can I get a girl quick” sound? I’m terribly amused when I hear of boys wanting to look for call girls. Wherein lies the thrill when you have to pay for a girl to spend a night with you? How cool is it when you write that on a messageboard for the world to see? Publicizing the fact that you can’t even get something without having to pay for it…

You could :

Lie - so people think you’re someone you’re not but could you make the mirror lie to you?

Plaster on a mask – so that the real you is hidden and suppressed but could you sleep at night wearing that mask without suffocating from the weight of it?

Bribe, steal and kill – to get what you want, but could you bribe your conscience, steal some peace of mind and kill your inner voice?

I may be half nerd, half geek, I’m highly allergic to sports, I love my books to bits and I think the world is one fantastic playground brimming with knowledge for us all to tap into. I won’t go clubbing because I think it’s plain stupid to pay good money to get my eardrums blasted off by music I don’t even like, neither will I smoke because I think smokers are essentially really selfish people who highly educated as some may be don’t bother about the ill effects of secondhand smoke.

If you fail to see the things in me that make up the person that I am, then you’re not worth my time, and neither will I feel like I’ve lost a friend. I don’t see the need to conform to what you want and destroy the person that I really am in order to reach that one stupid goal. It’s silly really, how we all seek to be ‘individuals’ by trying to emulate one another. I’m happy simply because I’m cool with being uncool. You should too.

“Better a bookworm than an empty vessel” My answer shall ever be.

I'm Pregnant

with the need for these babies

Canon Powershot SX200

Lumix LX3

I've always had a partiality towards photography. You can turn your photography curiosity into a career with a mfa degree. Memories only last as long as the presence of the feelings that are their safekeepers. I've had my eye on these three for some time now. My first ever camera was an Olympus which was a pretty fantastic deal for a beginner as all I had to do was point and shoot. The moment I later picked up my Canon Powershot A550, my love affair with Canon started.

As can be seen, my choice camera is still one from Canon. I can't say I don't want a DSLR. Who doesn't?? Since I can't see myself lugging around a giant camera complete with its entourage of bulky paraphernalia everywhere I go, I've decided to settle for one that's a compact but with the liberalisation of manual settings.

I found the perfect compromise in both the Canon Powershot SX200 and the Lumix LX3. Both have equal appeal. I was leaning towards Lumix due to rave reviews on their Leica lenses and considering the fact that the LX3 is the chosen compact camera for pros. The wider angle lenses (23mm as opposed to the more common 25mm found in compacts) also hold great appeal. Boo factor? 2.5x optical zoom.

The Canon Powershot on the other hand is fab because it offers manual configurations and also boasts a fantastic 12x optical zoom. Boo factor? The flash which pops up whether or not its in use once the camera is switched on. Although the fact that it's mechanised instead of spring loaded (meaning it doesn't pop up like a Jack in a box) is way cool, but knowing clumsy old me I'm bound to get my fingers in the way. Both cameras are able to film videos in HD mode.

The SX200 comes in 3 colours : red, blue and black. The LX3 comes in silver and black. I'm going with black on both counts. Sleek and sexy. Tis my favourite colour. I'm morbid so sue me :P

As is obvious, I'm very attracted to the whole pop up flash deal. It's so......retro. Pop up flashes gives the added distance from flash to lens which greatly reduces red eye and noise. I love the squarish designs on both. Old school is the way to go! 

The LX3 will enable me to play around with bokeh effects!! Oh bokeh bokeh, I so wanna do you !! But sticking to and trusting my previous relationship with Canon, I'm most probably going for the SX200 although the LX3 has been known to produce really awesome pictures !

The Canon Ixus 100is is there just for the eye candy factor. I'm not reallly into 'girly' cameras but once again the squarish design caught my attention. It's one of the slimmest Ixus to date and also one of the most affordable if you take in mind its specs and the brand's infamously exorbitant prices.

Oh gosh, that was one geeky post .... Next one on fashion or shoes !! =p

Oops, almost left this out. Today's Smile-Inducer : The Climb by Miley Cyrus.

Gotta love the lyrics to this one

I can almost see it

That dream I am dreaming

But there's a voice inside my head saying

"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking

Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction

My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying

Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be a uphill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing

The chances I'm taking

Sometimes might knock me down

But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it

But these are the moments that

I'm gonna remember most, yeah

Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong

Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be a uphill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing

Keep the faith, baby

It's all about, it's all about the climb

Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

Little things

Picture from www.designwriting.org

Today's smile-inducer : The Right Words

He said " You are a person. Not an exam sheet with all the right answers." I love him so much more for that. (=

Was having one of the worst days of my life. I cannot let ONE man rule my life. I cannot afford to lose control like that. I knew from day one that the 'fall' would be inevitable and I'm not going to let alphabets (alright, ONE alphabet) and numbers (again, ONE number) dictate whether or not I skip and flip and smile. So what if I don't live up to my own crazy expectations? I'm done chasing illusions .

More tomorrow (oops, in a few hours) if I manage to get the line.

Ciao !

You are Beautiful !

Pics credits to www.operationbeautiful.com

Today's Smile-Inducer : Introducing Operation Beautiful !!

Stumbled upon this website. Inspiring notes posted everywhere at random for random people to find at random times ! Now, how beautiful is that? Comes in real handy when you need that little pick me up and how better to say it than in a little phrase scribbled on a post-it note.

I for one hate to see girls or guys for that matter torture themselves over having to look good in order to please the masses, but subject themselves to so much needless emotional torment for something so inconsequential. I've always been an advocate of inner beauty and I do know that the only form of beauty that will be everlasting is the kind that radiates from within.

A few quotes I loved :

• "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. "
• “I was born gorgeous and I am forever beautiful. Though the world and those who are in it may try to tell me otherwise and attempt to bring me down, I will not let them. Even when storms come along and try to steal away my happiness, I will just dance in the rain. I will love myself and learn to be happy with everything I am. I am beautiful, I am loved, I am me. No one can change that, even if they wanted to. I am born gorgeous.”
• "In the end it will all be okay. If it is not okay, it is not the end"
• "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. BE the beholder"

So hope on over there to get inspired, refreshed and go through an instant feel good session minus any primping.

Today's smile-inducer : Learning to prioritize correctly. Nuff said

You are so meant for each other.

Congratulations!!

P.s: Long ranting post on bigotry coming up....soon

Living in the moment.

Picture from www.seductionmeal.com

Today's Smile-Inducer : Spontaneity !

Funny how a phrase "I want a cool glass of draft Heineken " in the middle of a crabby dinner found four girls in TGIF sipping on margaritas, indulging in much needed girl talk and the gleeful emasculation of our male counterparts. Whoops ! Talk about spur of the moment.

Oh, how I hate planning and planning and planning for something only to never end up doing it.

Snapshots frozen in time

Today's smile-inducer : Couples who can't keep their hands off each other (In a good way ! ) and man's best friend

Photo taken from www.jaggerphotographyblog.com

(Isn't the doggy just ADORABLE?? It's like he's saying awww....they're too busy pawing each other to pose for you?? Me! me!..Take me... I'll pose for you!!!)

I'm currently addicted to photography blogs. I can spend HOURS just staring at the vibrant display of emotions captured and immortalized with the click of a button. I've spent the past few months ogling at beautiful compositions from various websites. Envious at the ability to capture such beautiful photos and awed at the beauty captured in print.

Right now, happy, colourful, splashy pictures fill me with glee. Wheeeeee

Walking and Talking

Today's Smile-Inducer : Lazy Afternoon Naps

It's been eons since the last time I was able to take an afternoon nap. Gave in to the extreme sleep deprivation this afternoon and paid slumberland a much needed visit. Ah, the bliss of escaping from battles of forcing heavy eyelids to stay open.

I've started taking a more serious approach to reading the Bible. Came across today's Daily Bread. Thought I'd share it with you all. It's true how we often 'talk the talk' but fail miserably when it comes to 'walking the walk'. I realize my reserve of faith is always on an eternal low and I need to be a stronger believer. I need to learn how to not allow things to get the better of me. Not to let my emotions affect my mood too much and not to allow the influence of the people around me to drown out the real me.

I'm taking each day slowly. At the end of this road of self discovery I hope to end with a me who is strong, nonchalant and able to face up to her demons. I'm not a person who cries under pressure. I believe that tears should be saved up for something more deserving like war victims,orphans or touching stories. Not the fear of failure. But on certain days, I give in to the pathetic thing we call 'self pity' and have a good bawl in the privacy and cowardry of the shower. And I'm not proud of it. All that is going to change.

Today, let's all toast to walking the talk !

P.s : Sorry for the lack of pictures. The line here does not permit me to upload pictures but will try to as best as I can.

Monkey business

Bad things come in threes :

1) My roommate almost got scratched by a monkey. Scared the hell outta me. I kept thanking God nothing happened. Imagine the horror........

2) My rice cooker got confiscated. They came in and spotchecked the room. (Of all the useless shitty things to do! Brainless moronic idiots ! Don't even get me started on invasion of privacy! Am I a freaking prisoner now? Subjected to your bullying and manipulating??!! What goddamn right do you have to prance into my room, look through my PRIVATE belongings and take my stuff !!!!! This is classic THIRD WORLD mentality ! Advancement and progress is far from attainment!) Oh no, maybe they're trying to 'go green' and start saving the environment?) I understand that we may have broken some dumb rule but you should have seen the way they threw my stuff around! I had utensils in my rice cooker, forks and spoons and when i came back they were EVERYWHERE !

They'll probably call my parents now (Ooh...I'm SO scared) or give me a royal talkdown. Whatever it is, I have a roomful of cabbages waiting to rot. FML

3) I got charged at by a monkey (again ! In a matter of 10 hours) I think the bugger's marking my room. It's just waiting out there right now. Ya, the whole ooh ahh ooh ahh scratch-its-armpits-hirsute-beast is GUARDING my door....help.

So that's the lowdown on my life. I now see the effect of global warming and deforestation. My furry friends have decided to get out of the forest and join me in civilization. Oh joy! As you can see, I really can't find a smile-inducer today. Oh wait! Maybe I do!! If Darwin's theory is anything to go by , then.....OUR ANCESTORS ARE DISCIPLINING US BY ATTACKING US !! Oh the irony !

The Stranger Beside Me

Today’s smile-inducer : Being able to make the right choices

I’ve always been fickle minded but today I made a choice that made me feel good. I don’t care if people tell me I’m being a doormat to be used and disposed of thereafter. I did what I wanted to do and by helping a person who had brought me down, my spirits soared.

I’ve always had the policy that although I indulge in blogging I keep my private life, thoughts and feelings to myself. I never really wanted to share everything with the world but then today I can’t afford to keep it all in. Heck, I flatter myself too much by thinking anyone reads this blog anyway so for now I seek solace and reprieve by being able to write out the things I’m going through minus the censorship of riddles.

Growing up my mother always told me never to trust anyone, especially your best friend. I never took her seriously, always thinking that in her need to protect me some of her advice bordered on paranoia. But the misconception of “Things happen to other people never me” reared its ugly head.

I’m spiraling on a downward tunnel of emotions. As much as I’m aware that depression is at the end of the tunnel I try hard to climb out of the slippery inclines so adamant on holding me back. You see, I made a mistake. I trusted implicitly and never doubted the things that people tell me.

The ability to look me in the eye and lie to me scares me as much as it disappoints me. It hurts so bad when the lie confirmed the truth I was intent on denying. Did you think I would not have realized papers shuffled hurriedly whenever I walked past? Did you think I would not know where the added information comes from that are nowhere to be found in notes of ours? Do you think I’d believe blindly that “Acrobat Reader is having problems” when it’s really ebooks you’re reading?

It’s alright to not want to share, I respect the need for space and privacy but why lie? Do you not know me well enough by now that I’m not a person who would ask if help is never offered. It hurts even more when people close to me say I’m prideful for not wanting to ask but when someone covers whatever they’re doing the moment you walk near and turns around irritably … would you ask for anything?

It baffles me that one can know a person for umpteen years and yet never know that person at all. And when the truth is uncovered the blow is so sudden it throws you overboard just as it catches you offguard.

It’s been happening for some time now but for the sake of friendship I kept it all to myself. For a non-believer in second chances I gave this person chance after chance after chance.

In the past I’ve always put that person with me. From staying up late thinking of solutions to dilemmas to comforting when I was cracking inside from the tremendous pressure. I did it out of love. For a person I consider more sibling than friend. I never expected anything in return. I never expected help, I never expected love or friendship, and I never expected, betrayal.

In the test earlier today I pointed out a mistake. A mistake that would have been quite costly. Some would say I’m being stupid but I never wanted to cause harm or sadness or not do anything when I realized something was wrong. I could have kept that knowledge to myself but then I choose to believe to do unto others what you want others to do unto you.

I stay awake at night sometimes wondering if I’m responsible for this. Did I do or say anything to invoke such reactions? Am I a bad person? Is this some cosmic retribution or is this my karma saying “ Hey, you’re a horrid person this is what you get in return?”. I’m easily manipulated, gullible, stupid on many levels, but I choose to believe in the greater good. With this post I’m forcing the tears to stop and looking forward to the path of recovery.

This all reminds me of something someone once said about hidden agendas. I’m sinking deeper in lost esteem when people think of me as a machine. Just because my grades are such, people are jealous and malicious. Well, based on the test earlier, this semester ‘perfection’ or whatever it is you people lurve to say will be flawed. I hope you’re happy now. I ask for one thing and one thing only. To be recognized not as a thing, but a human being.

I used to be a jolly happy person. I want to go back to being that. I don’t want to bring misery or share depression with the masses. Which explains the Pursuit of Happiness project I’m taking on. I want to seek the positive from the negative. Thus said, this will be the first and hopefully the last of such private posts.

It’s funny that when I sit down and think about it, I’m not angry, I’m too emotionally spent for anger. It’s just hurt and disappointment I experience now. Through it all I still consider that person one of my closest friends, but the thought that niggles at the back of my mind remains : Did you ever think of me as your friend?

Of chocolate and monkeys

Today's Smile Inducer : KIT KAT !!!

Uh huh, yea I'm talking about that four fingered decadently delicious wafer bathed in chocolate. Sank into temptation and bought myself a bar of kit kat during the break. Chomped down on it throughout a really dry lecture and I was happy happy happy.

Other than that...Malaysians are WEIRD ! Was coming out of a lecture hall today and this 'gentleman' walked out, and left the heavy door to swing back almost hitting me square in the face. I leapt out of harm's way, let out a tiny squeak only to hear some idiots sniggering behind me. What is the use of an education if you can't educate yourself on simple basic manners???

Misty beauty stumbled upon

Today's smile-inducer : Click here for it.

In all fairness today's smile-inducer isn't a happy skippity dance around in sunlight story but I found it really inspiring. Stumbled upon this story on the internet and thought you might like it.

It was a surprise when I, the cynic against anything wedding-like finished the last sentence on a watery smile. Makes you treasure the people around you much more and to believe in taking more giant leaps of faith more often doesn't it?

The Pursuit of Happiness

So, first off, sorry for the overload of emo stuff lately on this little slice of the web. Today, I officially launch the start of a mini project I’m starting that I’ve decided to aptly name The Pursuit of Happiness.

Today’s smile-inducer :

On the way back from Central today, I overheard this conversation between a little man, (LM) and his mama

LM : Mummy mummy mummy, I wanna climb up there and look out the window toooo

Mama : No, you can’t. Sit still now.

LM : But *inserts elder brother’s name* gets to do it!

Mama : No, you can’t.

LM : But why….? Why? Why?

Mama : Because I say so

LM : Why??

Mama : Because you’re small.

LM : Noooooooooooooo *and proceeds to wriggle free from his mother’s grip.

I don’t really know about you but the entire scene was oozing cuteness and I couldn’t stop smiling the whole ride back. The boy’s only about 3 years old and when he stubbornly tried to wheel a spiderman printed trolley bag as tall as him it was too cute I melted into a puddle of goo right then and there.

Everyday I’m going to make it a point to write about a little anecdote, an event, an object or a person who made me smile. I believe that emotions are what we make out of it. Anger, sadness, frustration, happiness, joy and fear are mere reflections of the wisps of thoughts the mind conjures. Half empty half full glasses are a subject of perspective and I’m going to try to be optimistic for once. Heck, it’s all part of experiencing new things in life right? Do leave me a note if you like this and want to see it continued. Feel free to do this too if you have a blog but remember to leave me your link so I can go around collecting smiles. Yeap, it’s my current favourite hobby.

Toodle loos !

I thought I could befriend a snake

Foolish foolish girl

Confused

Was browsing through the news early this morning and came upon this story on a man being senteced to 15 years jail and 10 strikes of the rotan for rape. Whilst reading through two things struck me.

Why would the wife, for that matter any wife be present at a proceeding of a man you know no better than a stranger and cry?! Unless you're crying for your own lack of judgment that is.

The prosecution said the victim did not try to escape from the cemetery then because she was afraid of ghosts, did not know her way around, and her mobile phone battery was dead.

Click here for the full story.

Not to be insensitive but what ghost could be worse than staying with the man who raped you? The monster who violated your rights and why not try for survival? It pains me to see women just submitting to crimes committed against them. Their inability to fight back and their choice to remain helpless just kills me. I once had a lecturer who said that if a guy puts a knife at your neck and threatens to rape you, just let him be done with it, don't fight back, it'll save your life. Needless to say, I was appalled. When it came my turn to give an opinion, I gave my one and ONLY opinion : I'd rather die fighting than to live, submitting.

The big 3-6

It's been three years since we first started off. At times I'm surprised that I managed to commit to a commitment as great as this. Who would have thought that I, the one with the attention span of a 5 year old, ever indecisive and keeper of flighty interests would end up with you, calm, stable headstrong you.

I'm not one for bold grand gestures, and so I shall dedicate this entry to you, to us.

Sometimes three words mean more than a litany of nonsensical blabber and I will try my bestest to keep this as concise as three years worth of memories will allow.

For all the ups and down, peaks and valleys :

You Were There

For all the times we fought and argued:

We Grew Up

For all the times you were there when I needed someone to vent out my frustrations :

I Calmed Down

For when doubts and insecurities became my shaky foothold :

They Faded Off

For every smile, laugh, tear and sigh :

So Worth It

For the knowledge that being together really, actually means :

We're Never Alone

For the memory of all our firsts :

Precious Priceless Special

For all the years passed, today and the days ahead :

One Four Three !! :P

For this special day, the last three words :

Happy 36th Hon !

Note to self

I have got to learn to be numb and not let maliciousness and cunning people rule my life. I know I'll realize one day you're not worth my time, thoughts nor feelings. And in that knowledge I shall cocoon myself in the accompanying blissful numbness.

*inserts cheery note here

So alright, I know I promised some of you that I'll be optimistic and all sunshiny and rainbows, but as much as I try to keep to my promises I can't today. Shucks, I was supposed to blog about the 'big' 21st.... maybe later when I've procured some pictures so I don't subject people to my torturous verbal diarrhea..

It is only in the faraway realm of dreams that I stand up and tell you I'm not a worthless pawn to be bartered and used in that game you insist on playing.

It hurts, that thing you do. It hurts even more knowing that I allow you to. That I inadvertently put the weapon in your hand and thought you how to aim. My cowardice at not telling you to stop disgusts even me. But I can't and never will because I admit I'm weak. I sought sanctity in delusion. Over and over again denial became my confidante and best friend. Over and over again, I thought, it isn't true. You wouldn't do that, not you. But your lies confirmed the many truths.

I'm torn asunder at the realization that I still want to defend you. That I'm too weak to even face up to the truth and continue life as I should be doing. I thought you changed. You bring out things in me that I'm not proud of, I never want to be you but it hurts to be myself, defenseless against the hurt you continually inflict. Why is it that people can never accept me for who I am and try to change me into something that makes THEM feel better and me feel like crap. The million dollar question here is....I don't give a damn about the others but how could you???

I never trust easily but I trusted you. I don't know now if that makes you or me the greater fool. I thought that you would come to my defense but you teamed up with them. They needn't have done anything because what you did hurt more than anything they could have said or done.

In my self delusional theory of sanity, as long as I keep busy, keep running, I garner a slight reprieve. I know you'll soon catch me but today I shall write the things I'll never say whilst the hurt in me continues its blazing path of destruction.

Blue Jeans

“Why are you dressed like that?”

A question that very often precedes an exaggerated rolling of eyes, and a flippant “please..it’s fashion!”. Ever since body hugging tank tops, low cut tops, short skirts and sheer material decided to make my closet their home, I failed to get the approval of one man….my dad.

Growing up, my father was very protective of me. At times I found his over-protectiveness suffocating but as I grew older especially now when I travel around the big city alone, I realize I miss having a strong hand to hold on to. I know now that it must have been hard for him. To see the little girl dolled up in dresses with bow sashes and Mary Janes the size of his palm doing playful little pirouettes grow up into a young girl pirouetting in little black dresses and stilettos.

They say that in order to measure a man’s undying love, the ultimate test begins with an S and ends with a G. S-H-O-P-P-I-N-G. Whilst most men go weak at the knees at the mere whisper of the S word, one of the memories I have of my father is that of him taking me shopping for a new pair of jeans. It was the first I ever picked out on my own. And I remember my father waiting patiently for me whilst I tried on pair after pair after pair. You see, at 15, you just had to get the perfect pair of jeans and although time trickled away, my father’s patience never wavered. As I type this, I look up, and the pair of blue jeans hanging behind the door catches my eye, the one that still fits after all these years, is the greatest evidence of my father’s patience and dedication.

A memory nags at the back of my mind. It is one of him passing me a birthday present and if I had not been so eager to find out if my wish had been gift wrapped with a big bow on top, his words, “Don’t grow up too fast alright?” would have sunk in. Now, even as I approach one of those major milestones in my life, I know a part of me will always remain as …. daddy’s little girl.

Happy Father's Day Daddy !

Eye opener

Love is not blind, it simply enables one to see things others fail to see - Anon

They were sitting across from me. If one would warrant a guess, this would be their first time on the LRT. So there they were, two very impressionable young girls accompanied by an elder sister and her boyfriend. Giggles and laughs punctuating fresh enthusiasm, innocence and simple awe at grandeur of the big city. It was a scene to be had in every nook and corner of the city if one looked hard enough, but the difference here was that both girls were visually impaired.

As much as I know how rude it was to stare, I couldn’t stop stealing glances at them. The way they had so much to laugh at. The way they found light and goodness and joy in darkness. It was hard describing what I felt the entire journey back home after that. I’ll be turning 21 really soon and as each day passes I find myself feeling weary and tired. Jaded and old. I’ve forgotten what it felt like to be touched. And in that 30 minute ride, I found myself remembering.

It wasn’t lewd the way the guy couldn’t keep his hands off his girlfriend. The way he just had to reach out and tuck in that stray lock of hair. The protective nature that becomes instinctive. And in that one moment when he reached out and ran a finger down the youngest girl’s cheek, when she looked up and bestowed the most brilliant smile ever upon a loved one whose face would forever remain a stranger’s, I was touched. Could it be that in our quest to see more, experience more, gain more, reach more, we’ve forgotten to stop and live in the moment?

It made me feel ungrateful, the way they seem to have nothing and feel as if they have everything, but I have everything in comparison but feel as if I have nothing. Ironic, how it took a person who could not see to make me see.

The Actress

To err, is human

She epitomizes wit and intelligence. She dazzles all who know her and awe those who observe from afar. She exudes charisma and charm. She's confident, never cocky. Reticent, never distant. 

She keeps up the act. After all, years of experience has finessed her skills, enhanced her talents, a master in her trade of illusion and disillusionment. As long as there are others around, an eye, the lens of a camera, she smiles, that brilliant flash of white teeth. 

Her world a mirage and dream for envious outsiders, morphs into living nightmares the moment the curtain closes. Shadows haunt her days, lurking around corners, creeping out unbidden. Her friends, her foes, all meld into a jumbled unidentifiable blur of strangers. The world at her feet, the risk of trust misplaced remains unaffordable. 

The mirror her only confidante, she sees perspective in the world weary eyes that gaze steadily back at her. An accomplished actress never fractures under stress. She lives up to self imposed expectations too high to imagine. But the eyes in the mirror are feeble barriers to the reservoir of incipient tears. Tired of all the back-biting, backstabbing and polished trickery of others in her trade the dam threatens to break. White knuckles hover over nails biting into tender flesh as she keeps a tight restraint on emotions. Breaking down is unthinkable. Not now. Not when the end is near. 

But it gets unbearable with each passing second. A tiny drop of blood escaping from lips bitten in restraint preceeds the first tear drop. As it trickles down her smooth cheeks, cracking the carefully applied layer of foundation it opens up a chasm deep within her soul. As silent sobs rack her slender frame all the pain and misery imprisoned in her heart escapes through the gateway of torrid tears. 

Never one to leave a job unfinished, she pulls in that rigid control, stopping the floods. With a less than steady hand, she touches up her makeup, eliminating all traces of the tracks those tears left behind. After all, her investment in her large vestige of maquillage will cover all flaws and imperfections, the stain in her heart a minor irritant to the unsuspecting onlooker. She arranges the folds of her skirts, forces the confidence in her walk, pastes on a practiced smile and tilts her chin up to an angle of cheeky rebellion. Head lifted high, she enters the stage again. After all, the show, must go on. 

Sick

The Duchess was a movie depicting very aptly the times and attributes of an era not yet forgotten. Sadly to say the portrayal of the influence of power and money is one not so foreign in today’s world. How often do we hear or read about people caught in unfortunate circumstances simply because they’re crushed under the heel of someone of greater import.

I spent a lot of my younger more dreamier days reading periodical romances. How lost I would get once absorbed into the glittering world of tinkling jewels and balls and beautiful satin silk dresses with long lace trains trailing the ground. Of dashing gentlemen and coquettish young girls eager to impress. Even then I realized that beyond the sparkling world of wealth and power lurked darkness that would make any decent human being sick to the stomachs. Nestled within the crusty pages of history are lesser told stories of the strife that blighted certain groups and communities. Of the degradation of women into being mere objects instead of the human beings they are. Of children traded around and young girls being put on the market like pieces of meat.

Little has changed despite all the revolution and technological advances we’ve made. We still read of domestic abuse everyday. It makes me sick to think of the many young children out there being deprived of a better life. Food, clothes, education. It is sad that some children learn how to avoid the backhand of drunkard fathers before they learn that hugs do exist. And when they grow up and develop a convoluted perception of how people should be treated, when their sense of right and wrong is all screwed up, when the world is harsh on their wrong ways and misunderstanding, who can we really blame but ourselves?

The number of young girls being exploited everyday continues to escalate and there is naught one can do to make things better. It’s an ill-suppressed rage I feel for these people. A frustration that bubbles beneath the surface when I see young girls being shoved around by bullies bigger, meaner, shallower than them. Stories of husbands beating up wives, fathers raping daughters, uncles and relatives taking advantage of the weak and helpless never get as much coverage as the latest political scandal or the latest fashion launch. These are the real life stories that nobody is brave enough to face up to. An ongoing war that nobody bothers to pick up the weapons for. True tales of desperation and need and yet we have people who make a big deal out of appearing at a function in the wrong ball gown.

When the protector becomes the perpetrator what can a helpless bystander do?

I will be right back

I promise

Right now, I'm nose deep in way too much stuff and anything I blog about is going to come out sounding inane and after reading it all of you are going to boycott me for wasting your time.....

So, I promise very soon to come out with something more thought provoking, heart warming and much more.....human.

*fingers crossed

Do remember to check back and find out if I keep to my promises......

Toodles

Bedtime stories

"Tell me another story,...please...please please please...." I plead as I tug on her sleeve just as she's falling asleep.

Fast forwarding a little more than a decade, little has changed. Ever the night owl, I'm still restless at night, whilst she's still as exhausted as ever after a day of chasing after us. I remember how she used to improvise on moral stories and tell me about friendship, sharing, experiences, her childhood, and occasionally twirl her influences into fantastic storylines just to throw me off track on my latest obsession.

When I was young, I loved lollipops (Which child doesn't??). I loved the way the multi coloured swirls formed intricate designs that mesmerized. I loved the packaging, ribbons, clear paper, colourful sticks and shapes, the thrill from holding a heavy, large, sugary concoction complete with its insurance of cavity inducement. And so she told me a bedtime story of how a little girl begged her mummy to get her the largest lollipop in the world. Thrilled to bits for the little girl, I hung on to every word, hoping that this was a hint that I too, would get the 'largest lollipop in the world' soon. But then much to my dismay, the story took a sorry twist when the little girl had to eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner for ONE WHOLE WEEK, because it was bad to waste food you see. Suffice to say, it's been 15 years since the last time I ever asked for a lollipop.

In all fairness, I think it's my turn to tell you a story today. I honestly can't remember what it was like the first time I opened my eyes to see the world around me, and so I shall share the very first time I actually saw. Hardly the angel growing up, I would lead Josh in rebellious strikes against the parents, allowing him to do the very things they forbade us both from doing, swimming in deep ends of the swimming pool for instance. And being utterly stubborn I would refuse to study and sit at the table sulking whilst she tried to teach me the names of colours and fruits.

Needless to say I did get my fair share of punishments. And so one night after being taught a 'lesson', I crawled into bed with all the resentment in my heart. I heard her creep into the room a little while later and feeling resentful, I ignored her and pretended to sleep. She probably forgot this, but as she drew the covers over me, I heard one whispered word in the darkness. Sorry. It was then that I saw the hurt she felt for punishing me was far more than the hurt I felt.

We always hear how much mothers sacrifice for their children and so I shall veer off the course of conventionality and share about the things my mother never sacrificed. My mother never sacrificed on :

• Spending quality time with us. She would get all kinds of arts and crafts books, tonnes of colour pencils and spend long lazy afternoons drawing and painting with us. I particularly remember her doing 'girly' stuff with me. Baking dough beads in the oven that we would later string into delicate necklaces.
• Her youth. How she takes a genuine interest in the things that we watched, ate or drink at various stages in our life. How she works to blend in with us and victor over the dreaded 'generation gap'.I sometimes wonder who's really older.
• Laughter. No one fills the house with more laughter than her. Sometimes she cracks us up without being intentionally funny which makes it ten times funnier.
• Food ! Oh, my mother is the most adventurous person when it comes to food. She would come home and go "I just read about this place in *inserts destination that miles away* ...let's go ! " Or barge into my room in the wee hours of the morning and trill " Wake up sleepyhead! I'm hungry let's make your dad go look for dim sum." Thanks to her, I have eaten things that most of you would cringe and turn an ashen grey at. Read : pig brains, fish eyes, 'suck' snails.
• Urging us on our dreams. Oh, how empowered we feel when mummy says "You can do it".
• Being cool. She blogs. She knows the latest on-dits in the celebrity world. She talks about all sorts of cool applications at the dinner table that I feebly nod my head at and pretend to know only to crawl, head bowed to consult my friend Google later. My mother has Twitter. Need I say more?

So, here's to 21 years of you being my strongest supporter and co conspirator in so many crimes! I dare not envision what the coming years are going to bring but looking forward to it nonetheless. Happy Mother's Day !!

P.s : You thought we forgot? Didn't you? Lunch today, is on the house.

A disgrace to Mankind

Cruelty, like every other vice, requires no motives outside of itself, it only requires opportunity - George Elliot

Amidst all the hype buzzing around the circus that is the political circuit in Perak, it was this article in The Star that left me speechless and seething with rage. The following excerpt puts into a nutshell the gist of the story.

A month ago, Pulau Ketam residents trapped about 400 dogs and transported them to Pulau Tengah to ease the stray dog population on their island.

The dogs, which lived below the stilt houses, would come up to the wooden platform during high tide.

Pulau Ketam village head Cha Keng Lee said most residents felt that the move to send the animals to the nearby island would resolve the stray dog problem.

The uninhabited island would also offer more space to the dogs, he said.

“Our aim was not to be cruel to the dogs. But we strongly feel that the stray dog problem must be solved. When the dogs come up to the platform, they defecate all over. Sometimes, they would also bite the children,” he said.

Click here for the full story

It is absolutely disgusting what humans are sometimes capable of doing. Couple that with the pathetic excuses they dole out to cover their guilt and you get a contemptible breed. It hurts to know that my fellow men, despite having IQs and brains much more advanced to that of animals could behave in manners far worse than an animal.

Whilst one can understand their predicament with the dogs, it is impossible to agree with their reasoning for doing what they did. As much as the dogs pose a nuisance and threat to the afflicted community, trapping the dogs, and then casting them off to die a long, painful slow death on a deserted island with no food and water is certainly NOT human.

There are many ways out of their apparent dilemma, but they chose the easy way out. The coward’s route. There are associations and agencies and societies more than willing to aid in situations such as these. The actions of these residents work to prove exactly how irresponsible they are. If you have no love for dogs, then fine. Ever spared a thought for the environment then? What will happen to these dogs when left abandoned? They would surely die, and what would happen then to their corpses? Flushed away to the sea? Left to form petroleum thousands of years from now? Or *gasp* maybe feeling left out these green-friendly residents wish to be credited for creating a new strain of Influenza C : Canine Flu?

To quote the village head , “Our aim was not to be cruel to the dogs”, Oh really? Gee, does this mean there really are such things as fairy dogmothers who will descend from the starry heavens and organize lavish banquets for the poor unloved canines? Or maybe what you’re trying to say is there’re pixies, fairies and gnomes dancing around at tea parties having a ball of a time in deserted islands where humans are nowhere to be seen? Well then, maybe your intentions weren’t all that cruel to begin with.

We're lauded to be a civilized breed, but yet in the shadow of every step of achievement made by men, we degrade ourselves by moving two steps back. The latest update I read reported that the dogs have now turned to cannibalism after facing weeks of starvation, depicting a scene very much like that in William Golding's Lord of the Flies. I would so love to see how those people will fare if deserted on an isolated island with nary a drop of water, let alone food.

Feminist

I walk the streets by day,
Infuse subconscious minds by night,
On trains, trams, a busy highway,
Exert my best to prove my might

I'll open my own doors I say,
God gave me arms too you know,
My share of the bill I insist to pay
Times have changed it's good to know

Such a petty word they call my name,
So innocuous my laugh is harsh,
It's men I seek to tame,
His dominion I just might squash

Murderer of chivalry and gallantry,
Me of all they accuse,
At my feet lay not blame, do not even try
You are your own sorry excuse

To the old and young I preach,
Let not their rights be breached,
Them I long to teach,
Sadly only the young and mouldable I've reached

Sexual harassment,
I invented the word,
To salve my girls' predicament,
That their voices shall slay like the sword

I stand not the bigot and misogynist,
Ever will I be the optimist,
My girls I train never be the pessimist,
I am many things but they call me feminist.

Out with the old, in with the new

The last bit of colour has been touched up, the veils lifted, the props removed and the space positively sparkles. No longer is three a crowd as we leave history and the past behind and welcome back the traditional twin columns.

Many thanks goes to the photographer/designer extraordinaire, the mother for harassing the photographer/designer extraordinaire and of course the star of the day, Teddy Theodore for sacrificing a good part of his day-dreaming time to model for the lovely header.

So pop the champagne, pass around the hors d'oeuvre, take a spin around, gush, sigh, or if you must, cringe. Welcome a new look and brace yourself for more posts on a more regular basis from now on...hopefully .This slice of the web has received a much needed facelift, so kick back your shoes, lie back, relax and take it all in because today we're celebrating !

Love Letter

My darling,

I remember the first time I was introduced to you, I learnt that 1 apple plus 2 apples equals 3 apples. 17 years have passed since that day and it's been 17 years since we've walked hand in hand. As the years passed and as my maturity ripened, you introduced me to more of your friends, in hopes that we would form a closer more intimate relationship.

As much as you matter in my life, I sometimes wonder how deep is my love for you. I would say it borders on superficial, for as much as you make me think things I would otherwise never have dreamt of, you also annoy and irritate me to no end. I really have a problem with your friends you see. Right now, I don't really care what Newton or Raphson have to say about iterative methods, neither do I light up when Leibnitz shows me his magic approach to differentiating integrals. As much as Cauchy has to share about simplyfying complex solutions, having him double team with Reimann doesn't exactly make my day nor does it lighten my workload. The men have TOO much to share really.

As interesting as maximizing capacity sounds, my head spins when Lagrange chooses to share his Multiplying methods. You see, the only thing I would love to multiply right now is time and of course, my bank account. Although the Power method is phenomenal, I think you should talk to my lovely friend the computer instead because he has a more powerful brain as compared to the likes of me.

I'm really just a shallow, vapid girl parading in the glamourous robes of a scholar. I care naught for important vector theories since the only curl I'm familiar with is to curl up with a good book and a cup of tea and the only gradient that piques my interest is the slope of my high heels. Stoke's theorems should really stoke the dying embers of my flame of passion but like Green's theorems, they turn me an unsightly shade of green.

As honoured as I am to be mingling with bigheads and wiseheads who have dedicated their lives to making addition and subtraction much more complex than the type my kindergarten teacher deluded me with, I am FATIGUED. I apologize profusely for my clandestine affair with the TV and my many books, but for the sake of our 17 years together please do not fail me this May. I still do keep your words and teachings in mind everday. That is, when it pertains to store discounts on my shoes, movies and books.

P.s : This is a love letter. It really is! It's your friends I have a problem with.

Lots of love,

Your 'biggest, greatest' fan