Wednesday, July 01, 2009

*inserts cheery note here

So alright, I know I promised some of you that I'll be optimistic and all sunshiny and rainbows, but as much as I try to keep to my promises I can't today. Shucks, I was supposed to blog about the 'big' 21st.... maybe later when I've procured some pictures so I don't subject people to my torturous verbal diarrhea..

It is only in the faraway realm of dreams that I stand up and tell you I'm not a worthless pawn to be bartered and used in that game you insist on playing.

It hurts, that thing you do. It hurts even more knowing that I allow you to. That I inadvertently put the weapon in your hand and thought you how to aim. My cowardice at not telling you to stop disgusts even me. But I can't and never will because I admit I'm weak. I sought sanctity in delusion. Over and over again denial became my confidante and best friend. Over and over again, I thought, it isn't true. You wouldn't do that, not you. But your lies confirmed the many truths.

I'm torn asunder at the realization that I still want to defend you. That I'm too weak to even face up to the truth and continue life as I should be doing. I thought you changed. You bring out things in me that I'm not proud of, I never want to be you but it hurts to be myself, defenseless against the hurt you continually inflict. Why is it that people can never accept me for who I am and try to change me into something that makes THEM feel better and me feel like crap. The million dollar question here is....I don't give a damn about the others but how could you???

I never trust easily but I trusted you. I don't know now if that makes you or me the greater fool. I thought that you would come to my defense but you teamed up with them. They needn't have done anything because what you did hurt more than anything they could have said or done.

In my self delusional theory of sanity, as long as I keep busy, keep running, I garner a slight reprieve. I know you'll soon catch me but today I shall write the things I'll never say whilst the hurt in me continues its blazing path of destruction.


Anonymous said...

Hi sunshine gal,

if u can feel pain then it shows you are much a human...friends come and go...never take friendship as a life saver, it leaks at times and it will drown you...take my advise and take friendship as light as you can decipher...i can feel the pain for you...betrayal is the worst thing esp when it comes from someone whom you think you can trust...all these years of 'friendship ' take friendship like a wind.


Zhen Yuan said...

Ouch. Hope things are better for you now.

Uncle Lee said...

Hi Jo, regret to read you having an uncomfortable experience?
Wounds of the heart takes time to heal, though sometimes scars remain.
However, we should not be sad or angry, but smile because it happened.
You're young and the World is out there waiting for your footprints.

You keep well, have a nice day, and smile....never can tell who is falling in love with your smile.
Best regards, Lee.