Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The Stranger Beside Me

Today’s smile-inducer : Being able to make the right choices

I’ve always been fickle minded but today I made a choice that made me feel good. I don’t care if people tell me I’m being a doormat to be used and disposed of thereafter. I did what I wanted to do and by helping a person who had brought me down, my spirits soared.

I’ve always had the policy that although I indulge in blogging I keep my private life, thoughts and feelings to myself. I never really wanted to share everything with the world but then today I can’t afford to keep it all in. Heck, I flatter myself too much by thinking anyone reads this blog anyway so for now I seek solace and reprieve by being able to write out the things I’m going through minus the censorship of riddles.

Growing up my mother always told me never to trust anyone, especially your best friend. I never took her seriously, always thinking that in her need to protect me some of her advice bordered on paranoia. But the misconception of “Things happen to other people never me” reared its ugly head.

I’m spiraling on a downward tunnel of emotions. As much as I’m aware that depression is at the end of the tunnel I try hard to climb out of the slippery inclines so adamant on holding me back. You see, I made a mistake. I trusted implicitly and never doubted the things that people tell me.

The ability to look me in the eye and lie to me scares me as much as it disappoints me. It hurts so bad when the lie confirmed the truth I was intent on denying. Did you think I would not have realized papers shuffled hurriedly whenever I walked past? Did you think I would not know where the added information comes from that are nowhere to be found in notes of ours? Do you think I’d believe blindly that “Acrobat Reader is having problems” when it’s really ebooks you’re reading?

It’s alright to not want to share, I respect the need for space and privacy but why lie? Do you not know me well enough by now that I’m not a person who would ask if help is never offered. It hurts even more when people close to me say I’m prideful for not wanting to ask but when someone covers whatever they’re doing the moment you walk near and turns around irritably … would you ask for anything?

It baffles me that one can know a person for umpteen years and yet never know that person at all. And when the truth is uncovered the blow is so sudden it throws you overboard just as it catches you offguard.

It’s been happening for some time now but for the sake of friendship I kept it all to myself. For a non-believer in second chances I gave this person chance after chance after chance.

In the past I’ve always put that person with me. From staying up late thinking of solutions to dilemmas to comforting when I was cracking inside from the tremendous pressure. I did it out of love. For a person I consider more sibling than friend. I never expected anything in return. I never expected help, I never expected love or friendship, and I never expected, betrayal.

In the test earlier today I pointed out a mistake. A mistake that would have been quite costly. Some would say I’m being stupid but I never wanted to cause harm or sadness or not do anything when I realized something was wrong. I could have kept that knowledge to myself but then I choose to believe to do unto others what you want others to do unto you.

I stay awake at night sometimes wondering if I’m responsible for this. Did I do or say anything to invoke such reactions? Am I a bad person? Is this some cosmic retribution or is this my karma saying “ Hey, you’re a horrid person this is what you get in return?”. I’m easily manipulated, gullible, stupid on many levels, but I choose to believe in the greater good. With this post I’m forcing the tears to stop and looking forward to the path of recovery.

This all reminds me of something someone once said about hidden agendas. I’m sinking deeper in lost esteem when people think of me as a machine. Just because my grades are such, people are jealous and malicious. Well, based on the test earlier, this semester ‘perfection’ or whatever it is you people lurve to say will be flawed. I hope you’re happy now. I ask for one thing and one thing only. To be recognized not as a thing, but a human being.

I used to be a jolly happy person. I want to go back to being that. I don’t want to bring misery or share depression with the masses. Which explains the Pursuit of Happiness project I’m taking on. I want to seek the positive from the negative. Thus said, this will be the first and hopefully the last of such private posts.

It’s funny that when I sit down and think about it, I’m not angry, I’m too emotionally spent for anger. It’s just hurt and disappointment I experience now. Through it all I still consider that person one of my closest friends, but the thought that niggles at the back of my mind remains : Did you ever think of me as your friend?


Elin said...

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!! You have finally made the right choice by getting the load off your chest. Proud becoz you still do good to others, and you have the grace to forgive others for what they did to you. Now you can get on with your life and be happy coz you have finally flushed that load into the water closet where the load belongs! I know how much it hurts but it is better to remove the thorn then to let it keep pricking you!

That person is the most stupid person I have ever came across. Didn't know that the sender had informed you that those notes are already on the way and to be shared ? haha silly silly and can tell a lie looking straight into your eyes ! That person should be awarded The Best Actress 2009!

That person uses people for own benefits...I am sure you know that this is not the first time...pity someone who will be used and discarded later :))) My heart goes out to that person. Once again I am proud of you. From now onwards you are set free from the load that was flushed down the WC !

Take care darling...God bless you for your kindness and will be bless abundantly..that's for sure!

* 7 mths will soon be 6 mths :)))

Elin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
owl_order said...

boy, this thing must be bothering you! look how much you've written!

Zhen Yuan said...

This does not seem quite right. I'm sorry for the fact this had to happen. It's rather disappointing. I've been through such a situation and I understand reality hits quite hard. Especially when you care for them sincerely, and then you realized they do not really give a damn bout your own welfare. It is really unfair and hard to digest. Stay strong Jo.

Joshua Chia said...

Let go of the past and do not imbue yourself with negativity as morbid thoughts are for the dead.

People who go through difficult times in life and yet not give up are people who made it as complacency is the greatest sin of all.

This is just one of the world's lesson for you, many more to come in the future as life is a journey of eternal-education and there will be times for you to redeem yourself sooner or later.

Joanna said...

E : I don't want to comment further

WenQi : haha, I guess once the floodgates were opened I couldn't stop. Oops..I'm sorry for the word diarrhea.

ZhenYuan : I still care very much. Haha,call it stupidity or sentimentality,I hope I'm not made a bigger fool in the end. I really really hope so. Thanks

Josh : I'm really touched but the main thought I have right now is Oh my God baby bro !! You've grown up so much !! *hugz

Joanna said...

Mum, I'm not angry, you're not overprotective. I'm just tired. Not at you. At a lot of other things. I know you support me and back me up when I need help, and trust me when I say help, I need a lot.

Anyway, love you lots.

There ! I swallowed my pride d lu *goes bury head somewhere

Elin said...

Haha...I tok my Piggy angry with the Momsie for being outspoken. Love u lotz too and I will go on proctecting you till I take my last breath...haha I really can't wait for you to finish the last few months in KL. Then off u go , for the London Bridge is waiting for u :)) Can't wait for us to be together again! Thinks of all the goodies you get to eat...:))) * hugz hugz