It's ironic and rather bitter actually, how sometimes you plan for something for what seems like your whole life, you work hard to achieve it, you psycho yourself into believing that whatever happens is for the best and suddenly, in a sudden twist of events, you find yourself back at square one. Back at the crossroads. I used to be able to ascertain what i want and don't want. What I like and don't like. What I am and am not. Right now, I find myself tragically questioning everything I'd scripted about myself. Who is the girl I see staring back at me in the mirror everyday? Is she the one I thought I knew intimately for the last 17 plus years of my entire life? Or is she just another stranger? Like the many friends and acquintances whom I thought I knew, but proved me wrong in the end?....Don't get me wrong though, in my life, I had had the honour and the blessing to have met a handful of very dear close friends.
In my opinion, we do certain things for a multitude or reasons. We all have minds of our own. Some are just more outspoken than others, daring to go all out and grab the reins in their own hands. Some are more subdued and submissive. It doesn't mean that these people are spineless in any way, sometimes, it's simply because they realize what's best for the general population. They want to keep peace and serenity reigning while putting their preferences at the end of the list. Which of the two am I ? I'd love to say I'm the former, but sadly, I'm a little towards the latter. I do voice my opinions and thoughts when the time calls for it, but most of the time, I try to please others. The support and care from those who matter to me plays a pivotal part in influencing my decisions. I'm gutless in that context, but I don't care.
Right now, I'm confused. I don't know whether what I'm going to do is the right thing or not, but for once, i'm setting my foot down. After all, the rest of the journey is mine to take. Not others. So, I guess, once again, the decision lies in my hands. It hurts to keep so many things bottled up inside you sometimes. I thought a blog could have been the answer to my frustrations, but I found out otherwise. It's a wee bit too public. Sadly. I'm a private person in that sense. I don't appreciate having someone intrude the private realms of my thoughts, as much as I love and adore the company of close friends and family.
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Well, the function of a blog is usually to let you voice out your opinions and thoughts, but there are times when things are better left unsaid. Be tactful when you talk about sensitive issues that concern people close to you. Even better, don't touch on issues like that.
After a while of blogging, you'll eventually get used to it. Otherwise, you'd might want to start anew under a pseudonym so that no one will recognize you. Many people do this on the Internet, most notably Riverbend, who's an Iraqi woman blogging about life in war-torn Iraq. If she were ever to reveal her identity she would face the wrath of not only the terrorists, but also the interim government.
I'm around to listen if you need. Better two heads than one to crack to solve a conundrum like this. Cheers.
~verus rara avis~
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