The Stranger Beside Me

Today’s smile-inducer : Being able to make the right choices

I’ve always been fickle minded but today I made a choice that made me feel good. I don’t care if people tell me I’m being a doormat to be used and disposed of thereafter. I did what I wanted to do and by helping a person who had brought me down, my spirits soared.

I’ve always had the policy that although I indulge in blogging I keep my private life, thoughts and feelings to myself. I never really wanted to share everything with the world but then today I can’t afford to keep it all in. Heck, I flatter myself too much by thinking anyone reads this blog anyway so for now I seek solace and reprieve by being able to write out the things I’m going through minus the censorship of riddles.

Growing up my mother always told me never to trust anyone, especially your best friend. I never took her seriously, always thinking that in her need to protect me some of her advice bordered on paranoia. But the misconception of “Things happen to other people never me” reared its ugly head.

I’m spiraling on a downward tunnel of emotions. As much as I’m aware that depression is at the end of the tunnel I try hard to climb out of the slippery inclines so adamant on holding me back. You see, I made a mistake. I trusted implicitly and never doubted the things that people tell me.

The ability to look me in the eye and lie to me scares me as much as it disappoints me. It hurts so bad when the lie confirmed the truth I was intent on denying. Did you think I would not have realized papers shuffled hurriedly whenever I walked past? Did you think I would not know where the added information comes from that are nowhere to be found in notes of ours? Do you think I’d believe blindly that “Acrobat Reader is having problems” when it’s really ebooks you’re reading?

It’s alright to not want to share, I respect the need for space and privacy but why lie? Do you not know me well enough by now that I’m not a person who would ask if help is never offered. It hurts even more when people close to me say I’m prideful for not wanting to ask but when someone covers whatever they’re doing the moment you walk near and turns around irritably … would you ask for anything?

It baffles me that one can know a person for umpteen years and yet never know that person at all. And when the truth is uncovered the blow is so sudden it throws you overboard just as it catches you offguard.

It’s been happening for some time now but for the sake of friendship I kept it all to myself. For a non-believer in second chances I gave this person chance after chance after chance.

In the past I’ve always put that person with me. From staying up late thinking of solutions to dilemmas to comforting when I was cracking inside from the tremendous pressure. I did it out of love. For a person I consider more sibling than friend. I never expected anything in return. I never expected help, I never expected love or friendship, and I never expected, betrayal.

In the test earlier today I pointed out a mistake. A mistake that would have been quite costly. Some would say I’m being stupid but I never wanted to cause harm or sadness or not do anything when I realized something was wrong. I could have kept that knowledge to myself but then I choose to believe to do unto others what you want others to do unto you.

I stay awake at night sometimes wondering if I’m responsible for this. Did I do or say anything to invoke such reactions? Am I a bad person? Is this some cosmic retribution or is this my karma saying “ Hey, you’re a horrid person this is what you get in return?”. I’m easily manipulated, gullible, stupid on many levels, but I choose to believe in the greater good. With this post I’m forcing the tears to stop and looking forward to the path of recovery.

This all reminds me of something someone once said about hidden agendas. I’m sinking deeper in lost esteem when people think of me as a machine. Just because my grades are such, people are jealous and malicious. Well, based on the test earlier, this semester ‘perfection’ or whatever it is you people lurve to say will be flawed. I hope you’re happy now. I ask for one thing and one thing only. To be recognized not as a thing, but a human being.

I used to be a jolly happy person. I want to go back to being that. I don’t want to bring misery or share depression with the masses. Which explains the Pursuit of Happiness project I’m taking on. I want to seek the positive from the negative. Thus said, this will be the first and hopefully the last of such private posts.

It’s funny that when I sit down and think about it, I’m not angry, I’m too emotionally spent for anger. It’s just hurt and disappointment I experience now. Through it all I still consider that person one of my closest friends, but the thought that niggles at the back of my mind remains : Did you ever think of me as your friend?