Monday, June 18, 2007

Life doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful

How many times have we stopped counting our blessings? How many times have we forgotten about others and whine about nothing at all. I do admit to having my habitual bouts of 'depression' and getting all hyped up and emotional over nothing.

I admit to being a really weak Christian. In times when my faith is challenged, I break under the pressure of it. But no more. This is a war that Satan is never going to win. Oh, how many times have I allowed satan to invade my thoughts and poison their flow. How many times have I allowed that little voice to whisper 'What if".

Have you ever bargained with God? I remember being young and when grandma was ill, I did a lot of bargaining. I promised to be good, I promised to be obedient, I promised everything that the 10 year old me could come up with. And then I had a series of awful dreams whereby one by one the people around me left. But as the years progressed and after making countless mountains out of mole hills, it dawned on me that we all already have the bargaining chip in our palms. Faith. All God seeks is faith and the path will be clear.

Life doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful. It's in conquering all our daily fears. Little victories that bring great impact. It's in waking up every morning and being able to see the sun come up. It's in every easy breath we take while some are suffering even for the next breath. It's in being able to hear the voice of your loved ones. It's in taking those little steps that is the beginning of a victorious journey. A lot of people view trials as punishments, but maybe sometimes it's just a test. God will never give us something we can't handle.

I was surfing and I came upon these verses. God does speak through various ways.

We are persecuted, but God does not leave us. We are hurt sometimes, but we are not destroyed. - 2 Cor 4:9

He gives me new strength. He leads me on paths that are right for the good of His name. -Ps 23:3

In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path. - Proverbs 3:6

I leave you peace; my peace I give you. I do not give it to you as the world does. So don’t let your hearts be troubled or afraid. -John 14: 27

The Lord helps those who have been defeated and takes care of those who are in trouble -Ps 145:14

May they give you as much comfort as they gave me

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Daddy's day

I'm sure more than half of the world knows what day it is today, and no, the answer is not Sunday. It's that day when we all thank the special person who usually stays in the background, but without him, a lot of things will be for naught.

This post will be a shoutout to my daddy. For the constant support he gives us. For the times he worried and the times he rejoiced. For the ups and down. For the memories of 'blanket ghosts', 'tunnels and tents' and waking up early in the morning for ladybug hunting. For the things he did and more.

Random memories that coloured my childhood:

  • Being very young and throwing a fit begging dad not to go to work in the morning.

  • Riding 'horseback' around the house.

  • Playdoh afternoons

  • Midnight feasts

  • Evenings in DR Park

  • Waiting for him to come back from being 'outstation' to show him the gap after I lost my first teeth at age six and a half, feeling all grown up.

  • Gummy bears and cola worms

  • Rojak and Cendol in the evening

  • The way he was the only one I allowed to pull out my shaky baby teeth believing he was the only one able to do it painlessly

  • Bullying sausages

Here's to you on this special day. Happy Daddy's Day. <3<3

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Results ranting

For what it's worth, I got my exam results today. I managed to maintain the 4.0 CGPA. Odd thing is, know what I feel? Nothing. I don't feel anything. No joy, no happiness, no gush of heady euphoria. Just an abyss of nothingness. When people walk by me and say, oh, you're sure going to get your full marks again, all I felt like doing was slapping them and asking them go take a hike. I know this is not a good attitude. Usually people tell me, of course,no surprise, it's expected that you'll get good results. All I do in lieu of a response is grit my teeth, bite back a sarcastic remark and offer a semblance of a smile. I just hate it when people refer to me as 'top student'. Ya, you're allowed to call me weird. But all I wanna be right now is me. I don't want to be the person you run to only when you need help. I don't want to second guess your motives. I want people to be my friends. Just that and nothing else. No strings attached. I don't want fake poeple around me. I don't want people to 'compare' with me. What am I to you anyway? A walking brain? A challenge to boost your ego? If I were to get into some mishap some day, would any of you who claim to be 'friends' even bother?

When I left high school, I was determined to leave all that comparing marks thing behind. Even then, I never bothered to sum up my marks to 'compare' with the next person. Usually it was other people who would go around collecting marks and then writing out their own position charts, even faster than the school computers were able to. I mean, seriously, why are we all acting like braggy housewives who go "You know ar, my son is this this this" and then housewive number 2 goes "Aiya, my son not that good only, 100 marks only ma". Know what all these are? Superficial! I do not like people asking me my marks. I do not take indulgence when people call me 'smart' and go, how I wish I was like you. If you want to be envious, if you want to be petty, then you are not my friend because I do not need parasites like you to affect me emotionally. I've lost 'friends' this way, but all I can do is shrug and go on with life for it is then that you realise how much some people really count.

Have you ever been in a situation where you can't trust anyone around you? It's a very emotionally draining position to be in. Is your neighbour a backstabber? Is your 'friend' planning to make you stumble even as he/she helps you up? What do the people around you really see you as? Is it you they see or some ulterior goal they secretly lust for. The people I trust are less than a handful. But I don't need any more than that. And for that I thank God for sending me some true people. To those who have really been with me through times when I needed real people, not hypocrites, I'm ever grateful for your straightforwardness. I think you know who you are *wink*