Tuesday, December 05, 2006


Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still. -- Lou Erickso

Time sure flies. It’s been a while since the last time I actually sat down to seriously blog. Random things have crossed my mind these last few days. Last Sunday in church, it suddenly hit me that so much time has just slid past. It’s somewhat like trying to hold a fistful of sand in your hand, but the effort is futile because the sand will somehow seep through the gaps between your fingers.

Before I digressed, I was about to elucidate what I meant by how fast time flies. I was sitting next to Josh in church and in a moment of spontaneity, I turned to him and stuck my tongue out at him. And then it dawned on me that my baby brother had grown into a young man. Was the transition from child to teenager so smooth that it passed me by so stealthily? And then, the irrevocable truth made itself apparent to me. He was growing up. Fast. So am I.

Life is an intricate tapestry, our lives are interwoven in the strands that make up the whole picture. Josh and I started from the same root, but as we grow, it is inevitable that those threads of life that used to be so close would slowly wind away, weaving a part of the big picture alone. We’d still be close, after all, blood is thicker than water, but we’d have our own stories to weave. And it’s a little sad that we’ll continue on this journey in life without being a part of each other, living behind the simplistic, idealistic cover of childhood dreams and slaying our own dragons. One day, he’ll meet someone, and he’ll share a large part of his life with that special someone. That day, I hope he knows how much his sister loves him.

I’m somewhat aloof and detached from my peers. It’s not that I’m arrogant or self-superior or anything. It’s just that I think it is such an effort to smile when you don’t really mean it. Hypocrites repel me yet it disgusts me even more when I am one. I am an observer, rarely a participant. People think I’m Miss Goody-two-shoes but heck, I was made that way, am that way, and always will be that way. Is it so wrong to want to be different? Are others insecure with variety because it shakes their own foundations? Well, then honey, I daresay your foundations weren’t stable to begin with. You can’t have everything in life. You can’t expect people to bow at your every wish. You just have to learn to be contented with what cards life deals you.

There is a part of me that clamours to belong. Yet there is another part of me that wants to be recognized as an individual. Not just the girl who attends the same lecture with you. Or the classmate who sits in front of you in class. I want to be remembered as the one who made you smile when you were down, the one who challenged you intellectually. The one who’s opinionated and who can actually think. I want to cease being a shadow, a non-existent phantom-ish being. I want to be different. Unique. Never conforming to the general specifics of anything. I have a veritable temper and yet I can be docile. I am shockingly outspoken and yet tenaciously clammed up when I choose to be. I don’t ever again want to be just a name or a face in the crowd. I want to be me.