Thursday, June 30, 2011

Letter to self

Somewhere out there, there's a child hungry and helpless
Somewhere out there, a baby's cries are drowned out by the heavy pelt of bullets
Somewhere out there, famine and tyranny reign the days and haunt the nights
Somewhere out there, a mother worries for her son in the line of duty
Somewhere out there, families struggle to pick up the remnants of life after devastating disasters

And here you are,
Self absorbed in your own selfish interests
Narrow sighted
Angry at insignificant smites
Giving power to the work of the devil
Letting immaturity strike a nerve

A child of God is way way better than that
It ends today
It ends this instant

And here's that slap of awakening :
When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them " If any of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her " - John 8:7

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Redirecting gazes

The whole of last week was rocky and made me question way too many things. I admit I was discouraged, looking at how people who are supposedly Christians behave. But then I realized how terribly wrong I was to think that way. 

The thing is , humans are flawed, I should know, for I'm one too. Only God is perfect. I need to remind myself that no matter how much someone has hurt me or caused me black, un-Christianly thoughts, I need to remember that through it all, the only constant remains to be the Holy One. Only He is blameless, flawless and the embodiment of perfection. And it was wrong of me to lose faith in Him simply because I made the folly of allowing the shadow of men to shade the greater light of heavenly grace. 

I love this song. Especially this verse :

For every time I pray, 
The mountains are removed, 
The paths are made straight, 
And nations turn to you.

Then Jesus said to the disciples, “Have faith in God I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart.I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you’ve received it, it will be yoursBut when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.” - Mark 11:22-25

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Burnt out

I woke up today totally exhausted, which isn't the norm for me because 5 hours of sleep usually fuels me enough to pull through the day. And then it hit me that I've been going on for the past few weeks without a day of rest. Life's taken on a mundane cycle of reading ( for work, oh how I wish it was for pleasure ) , lab work, cooking , grocery shopping, writing, and more reading and writing after dinner right up till early dawn. 

My only reprieve comes in the form of the 20 laps I push myself to swim in the pool. It's therapeutic, the calm, the silent lapping of water, the total silence when you're submerged in depths of nothing but water. It's that only time of day when I concentrate purely on breathing, two strokes , one breath, two strokes , one breath and nothing else. True liberation. 

Right now I have lots of reading clamoring for attention , some stuff to write and life to sort out. I really don't know the point of writing this, maybe I need a whine. Too many things have disappointed me. Too many people have had their masks ripped off. I'm confused. The sad fact remains that the night's still young but I'm totally burnt out. Emotionally, physically. 

The easiest thing to be in the world is you. 
The most difficult thing to be is what other people want you to. 
Don't let them put you in that position 
- Leo Buscaglia

Sunday, June 19, 2011

The word papa

A father
loves in ways that words alone cannot describe

A father
sorts things out when tides come crashing into plans and schedules

A father
gets sidelined at times because he's a quiet source of strength

A father
stays strong when our will to push on grows weak

A father
worries but maintains a calm demeanor for his children

A father
takes pride at the tiniest achievements

A father
navigates, leads, nurtures and guides

Shrewd businessman he may be ,
but he sacrifices for family without looking at expected returns

This is for my daddy, grandpa and everyone else ;
single mothers, guardians and caretakers who fit the description of a father ...

Happy Father's Day 
You're MUCH loved ! 

A father is always making his baby into a little woman. And when she is a woman, he turns her back again - Enid Bagnold

Friday, June 17, 2011

When words don't suffice

I'm grateful to be part of an exciting generation
I'm thankful for winning family, and awesome friends, 
But there's a little part that's made up of the roar of silence, 
Technology breaks it, but the truth is digital closeness doesn't come near the real thing. 

Absence is to love as wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small and kindles the great. - Roger de Bussy-Rabutin

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Inspirational billionaire

When I grow up,
I'd like to be just like Bill Gates
*ignores fact that I've already 'grown up'
Not in terms of financial gains, now that would come in handy ..
but to never forget how important it is to remember others even though you may have reached the very pinnacle of life
and to remember the satisfaction to be gained when hard work , sweat and passion fuels the little dreams to transform into the huge realities of life.

Do read this .

Here's a teaser :

Love his nonchalance .. 

All great people come from humble beginnings ..... =p 

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Fairy Tale

He sent me this

So yea, I'm that easily moved
Ah well

Thursday, June 09, 2011

The Dark

Almost a week ago I woke up in the middle of the night when I heard a loud thud followed by footsteps on my ceiling. This was rapidly followed by the unmistakable sound of someone trying to get into the house through the roof. Alone and afraid, all I had in the form of a weapon was a pair of scissors which I clutched in one hand whilst I prayed for help to arrive fast. It's been 6 days since and my life has taken on a new pattern. I struggle to fall asleep at night, and work harder to stay awake during the day. I'm truly exhausted, but restless. I now sleep with a knife under the bed , perfume sprays in lieu of pepper sprays and a thought out plan for combatting midnight villains. It's ridiculous really, but it sucks to not feel safe in one's own home. 

Recurring nightmares
Half asleep, heart racing , I see phantom faces laced with malicious intent
Reality and imagination blur into a miasma of unease
The tiniest sound makes me jump
Relaxation eludes me as I struggle to fall back to sleep
The dark taunts and jeers as I battle for composure and fight for rest 
The dark claims that little shred of security even as it shrouds me in exhaustion. 

Tonight I need to believe that my Papa in heaven will grant me peace
Surely He who calms the storms and quietens the winds possesses the power to still my fears .. 

For the Lord loves justice, and he will never abandon the godly. He will keep them safe forever
Psalms 37 : 28


You know that whole left cheek right cheek thing in the Bible ?
Easier said than done.
There's really a big difference between being nice and being a ratty used doormat.

At the end of the day
The world doesn't revolve around black and white rationalizations
We're all made from shades of grey ..

Monday, June 06, 2011

Pride and Practicality

This article is sad only because it's so true

What I really don't get is this :

If you're marrying someone for money, stature or property,
How different are you from the women you scorn for standing on street corners soliciting business ?

All I know is I have two hands,
two feet
and the last time I checked my brain's still fully functioning.
Why then would I need someone to feed me, clothe me and provide a roof over my head when I can very well work for what I want ?
But then again, perhaps that's just me ..

Women who are overly dependent and duct tape clingy irritate me
I only wish they knew how far back they're setting the rights that women throughout the ages have been fighting so hard for.
Whilst we may not need those rights, or have taken them for granted,
there are people in other parts of the world who would so love to have that little inch of freedom to escape from prostitution, adolescent marriage and domestic violence.
But like I said, perhaps that's just me ..

I asked a Burmese why women, after centuries of following their men, now walk ahead. He said there are many unexploded land mines since the war. - Robert Mueller

Sunday, June 05, 2011


I wanted so badly to say yes.
Come home.
Come home and dispel this vague non-existence
But I'm not that kinda girl.

Remember strength
Remember resilience
Remember that something worth having never comes easy.

Friday, June 03, 2011

Letter to you

Dear you, 

It's been a while since I've heard from you. Remember those thrice a week phone calls ? Not a day passes when I wish I could pick up the phone and tell you the latest happenings in my life. 

Life's been kind. In case you're wondering, I now cook. I still have a penchant for nasi lemak, and food I really shouldn't be risking my stomach with, but what's life if you don't choose to dance on the risky side once in a while eh. The other day I walked around the supermarket, and wanted so terribly to make that soup of yours. Now why didn't you make me learn how to ? :p 

I'm grateful that when God was looking for someone to teach a little girl lessons in life from tying shoelaces to learning how to laugh and love, he gave me you.

" When people leave, they're still around. You see them in twinkling stars. You feel them in the cool breeze. If they're in your heart, they're never far, just a heartbeat away " 

I miss you grandpa. 

I hope you're looking down now. I hope you're proud. 

Hugs and kisses, 

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal. Love leaves a memory no one can steal