The beginning? The end?

I wanted to write something uplifting today. But I'm simply not in the mood to do so. I want to rant and scream and swear and curse and kick and throw something but no, I'm holding on to the last thread of composure as if my very life depended on it. My msn display picture currently reads "I will not give up, I will not give in." And I'm seriously psych-ing myself to do so.

College so far, in all it's naked 'glory', bare truth, and painful honesty, SUCKS! At least for me it does. Maybe the problem lies within me. They say college life is the best time of your life. But I've tried, I've tried really hard to learn to adapt but I can't. It's awful here if you don't speak Mandarin, and your Cantonese is mediocre. And people think you're a snotty b**** because of that. And they tell you " You know, knowing how to speak English alone is not good..." Well, thank you very much, but I'm very well aware of that fact. Why is it that they laugh at you when you're trying to learn but then they tell you it's 'not good' not to be able to speak Chinese. Ya, my Cantonese sucks, my Mandarin is unintelligible. BEAR WITH IT ! I'm trying hard too, you don't see me commenting on your 'excellent' command of English. Sometimes, I don't even know why I bother.

It's been close to 3 months since I left home for college. And by each passing day, I miss my Ipoh friends more and more. What Ms. Pushpa said last time during Eng. Lit. was so true. Friends you make in college will never share the same bond as those friends you had all the way through primary and secondary school. I miss them so much. In a way, I took the times we shared together for granted. But I know now that they share a part of me that no one else will ever be able to replace. People here are little more than acquintances. Passing ships in life. You never know what you have until you lose it. How painfully, achingly true.

Mum told me that when God gives you a test, he'll not give you something you can't handle. I hope I'll be able to overcome all this. The frustration I'm suppresing deep inside is coming very close to the surface. I can't go anywhere alone in this 'pleasant' area because it's way too freaking dangerous.It's hard to find friends here because I don't speak the common language. If only you know how much I miss you. Sigh. I may be just making a mountain out of a mole-hill. I hope so. Is this the end of the beginning or the beginning of the end?

Oddly enough, I feel infinitely better after letting all this out. I think I'll call it a day. With that...I bid you all goodnight.