Masochist

Huddled in a dark corner, I heard his laboured breathing. Heavy footsteps crept nearer and the dark shadow he cast lengthened with each lunging stride. My grip tightened on the rusty old penknife I had grabbed whilst fleeing for safety. I sensed him inching closer, his acrid breath tainting the air,melding with the choking scent of fear and nervous anticipation emanating from my every pore. Could he sense me? Surely he could not hear my heart screaming in my throat... Did he know I was alone? Vulnerable? Afraid? Fingers clenching and unclenching, syncing in rhythm with the erratic beating of my heart, I waited. 

At last, he stopped right at the spot I wanted him. After but a moment's hesitation, I walked out from my corner in the wall. I had caught him off-guard, I knew from his sharp intake of breath. My time was then. I lunged and in one swift movement drove the knife deep into his stomach. At eye level to his chest, I clenched my eyes shut as the sharp edge of the blade ate greedily through flesh and adipose tissue, even as the sticky slippery ooze of blood coated my fingers, I kept my grip steady, refusing to let that first tremble break through the false bravado for I knew defeat was just as imminent as the last glimpse of survival. 

I stamped down bile and choked back tears for though I kept my eyes shut, I could sense the dilation of pupils, hear the anguish moan of pain as death hung in the air like a heavy curtain, ready to cuff its heavy shackles around this one lost soul. It would haunt me but I had no choice. I had a duty. I was the only one left to protect the family..... 

From far away, I heard the dog bark. The familiar pitter patter of paws and the scraping of cement as the puppy let out a playful bark for dinner, the cacophony punctuated by the musical tinkle of metal cutlery and porcelain plates being laid on the table. Slick with sweat, I awoke amidst the miasma of being suspended between two worlds. One where reality resides, and the other where reality is what the mind concocts. 

Forvermore it shall be?

Grow old along with me

The best is yet to be....

-Browning-

Best proposal line ever.. As I'll never be the one asking, this one's a tip for you guys out there. Dang, now whoever's gotta propose to me has gotta beat that *cheeky grin

P.s: I'm really into old movies and musicals these days so I'm walking along on clouds and feeling all sappy and gooey... Went to a wedding today. Actually two! More soon. It's late now and I've gotta go load up on some sleep. Shall leave you with a favourite song of mine. Goodnight, my someone from the Music Man. Wanted to upload the video but too tired for that right now...another time perhaps?

Goodnight, my someone,

Goodnight, my love,

Sleep tight, my someone,

Sleep tight, my love,

Our star is shining it's brightest light

For goodnight, my love, for goodnight.

Sweet dreams be yours, dear,

If dreams there be

Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.

I wish they may and I wish they might

Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight

True love can be whispered from heart to heart

When lovers are parted they say

But I must depend on a wish and a star

As long as my heart doesn't know who you are.

Sweet dreams be yours dear,

If dreams there be

Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.

I wish they may and I wish they might

Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight.

Goodnight,

Goodnight.

50 Things

A confession here. I had a line up of topics I wanted to write about but for now, they're too heavy to deal with whilst balancing revisions for my EC papers. So, I decided to 'tag myself' and copy this 50 things meme from Jared. 

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? According to mum, I was named after Joanna, one of the few women named in the Bible who had no significant role as a great leader but yet was mentioned for her faithfulness to Jesus. My chinese name was inspired from her favourite author at the time, Han Su Yin. Gee, it's too bad I only inherited her name and not the gift of the pen....
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? about 15 minutes ago watching Marley and me. 
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Yup.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? I don't really like meat....will tofu meat do?
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? If my many dolls count then yes.....
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I think so.
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM? When I'm in a bad mood then yes. 
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yup. 
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? One of the items on my top 10 list of things to do before I die. 
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Anything with berries and fruits and flakes. 
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Nope. Just cause I don't like touching my shoelaces when I next wear my shoes....Yea, I'm weird that way. 
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Must I really choose ONLY ONE.....? That'll be green tea ice cream till the next best thing comes along..
13. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Their fingers... and teeth. Everything else comes secondary..or tertiary in this case *shrugs
14. RED OR PINK? Red's the sexiest colour on earth in my opinion, it's the colour of love, passion,danger and life....especially this shade that the in-house designer Josh calls Valentine Red...I guess the name says it all. 
15. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My insecurity. How I spend 90% of the time doubting myself and then spend the remaining 10% of the time convincing myself I'm not good enough. 
16. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My grandpa
17. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST? It's a free world..
18. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Erm, grey shorts and lime green flip flops...
19. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Diana Krall - Crazy
20. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? White because it neutralizes everything....and doesn't clash with anything either...
21. FAVORITE SMELLS? 
22. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? The boy because I was being difficult..
23. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Gymnastics? 
24. HAIR COLOR? Black.
25. EYE COLOR? Brown.
26. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? I don't like the idea of poking something into my eye...so no. Besides, people mistake me for a 15 year old so maybe glasses will make me look older...(just wait till I'm 35 and decide to want to look younger)
27. FAVORITE FOOD? Anything that's spicy and sour. I.e Asam Laksa. Oh, and anything Italian too. 
28. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? I'm still afraid there might be monsters under my bed and in my closet..so I guess the answer's self evident
29. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Marley and me. (The dog's really the star in this one)
30. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Greenish, turqoise-ish...
31. SUMMER OR WINTER? Winter. We have summer here all year long anyway...
32. HUGS OR KISSES? Hugz...coz I'm a snuggly wuggly kinda person. 
33. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? I don't intend on tagging anyone ..
34. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? same as Ques 33....
35. WHAT BOOK(S) ARE YOU READING NOW? The Pact by Jodi Picoult and Not Without My Sister by Kristina & Celeste Jones, & Juliana Buhring....and yeap, I enjoy switching in between few books per time....I'm fickle minded that way.
36. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I don't use one although my last one was shaped like an apple :D
37. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Hardly watch TV these days, but I did watch A Passage to India on DVD last night....
38. FAVORITE SOUND(S)? Keith Urban, Rascal Flatts, Diana Krall, Sondre Lorche, Josh Groban, Il Divo, Taylor Swift, Jason Mraz, recently John Mayer and this could go on and on and on....
39. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles win hands down. 
40. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? In the ethereal land that we drift to in sleep? Home is only always a telephone call away so I guess I've never really been far away..
41. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I prefer to think of myself as a jack of all trades, master of none...
42. WHERE WERE U BORN? Ipoh, land of beansprouts, white coffee and I'm sure we're famous for something else but for now Michelle Yeoh..
43. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING?Anyone who decides to do this. It's 50 random yet interesting things that helps summarize you...
44. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE or SIGNIFICANT OTHER? A knock-out combo of bossy attitude and microwaved spaghetti bolognese...*wink*
45. WHAT IS YOUR SIGN? Cancer or Dragon....sheesh...water and fire..it's no wonder I'm always in a muddle...
46. IF YOU COULD SIT DOWN TO DINNER WITH 7 PEOPLE WHO WOULD THEY BE? Top on the list would be both my grandmothers, a guy named Ernest, grandpa and family. I'd want that dinner to last forever which might never be enough to fill in the empty spaces left behind but I guess that's the stuff that dreams are made of.....Oh well....

I have no idea what happened to number 47, 48, 49 and 50 but I do think that 46 things are enough for now ..don't you? 

If you have the time, fill this list up and be sure to let me know..

Goodnight

Shopping

So here's the deal. Mum started cooking at a very young age. Was it twelve? Well, young anyway. So, in my mother's manual on child raising, a girl has got to learn the ropes around 'kitchen manners' in order to be 'woman'. So, today, after a nice breakfast, we made a pit stop at Tesco to grab some groceries and necessities, in which mum decided to give me a crash course on grocery shopping. Apparently, you're not marketable in the marriage market if you know nuts about marketing *winks*

As the pictures show, I now know how to choose garlics, onions and ginger. Baby steps ladies and gentlemen, baby steps. 

At the checkout counter, mum kept piling and piling and piling stuff onto the conveyor. We tried asking her to stop and wait till it moves before adding more to which she kept replying "one last one..." at least for ten 'last ones'....the result?

She had to hold her product of stubborn-ness to keep them from falling off. 

And to think of the times she admonishes me "I have absolutely NO idea where you got that stubborn streak of yours"....

Of arrogance and ignorance

I guess it's safe to say the latest buzz this time of the year would most likely be the American Idol Season 8. I was pretty hyped out when I found out it was Country week this time around. I grew up listening to country music. Mum loved it and my all time favourite song growing up was Grandpa by the Judds. Anyone who knows me well, knows I adore anything country-inspired.

The contestant that ultimately caught and kept my attention was none other than Adam Lambert. Never have I got goosebumps creeping up my spine that way. Never was I so spellbound by any performer that I couldn't tear my gaze away no matter how hard I tried. He sure was enrapturing. In a demonic, satanic kind of way.

I was utterly disgusted! And no, it has nothing to do with the way he wears his hair or his penchant for black nail-polish and kohl. What irked me was his absolute disregard for the theme. Tell me, which part of his rendition of 'Ring of Fire' sounded anything at all like country???

How can one call oneself a musician when you can't even differentiate between different genres of music? Such arrogance and disrespect! Did he think he was really that good to add a Middle Eastern flavour to a song made popular by Johnny Cash, one of the big names of country music. I started playing the piano at 5 and 12 years of classical training followed after that. I'm no Mozart, but I do have a strict sense of structure ingrained in me. The world would be in chaos if people just went around changing things with utter disrespect at their whims and fancy.

What Adam Lambert has proven so far is raw talent.......in ONE and ONLY ONE genre. Undeniable, the guy has a loud voice, and the moves. But versatility? Week after week after week it's the same old routine, just different lyrics to the same tune.

I rarely tune into mainstream music these days thanks to all the noise that people so loosely call 'music'. Sure, there are some catchy tunes out there.....but whatever happened to the class and elegance attributed to music? They say that music is the heart and mind's reflection of feelings and emotions written out in song. Judging from the lilt, rhythm and lyrics of modern day music only leads me to the conclusion that the modern generation is filled with hate, anger, lust and tastelessness.

Image from www.adamlambert.org

So, coming back to the question.........would you like this to be your idol? Someone to look up to? To revere and emulate? The choice....like they say, is yours.

The values we hold dear

A youngster cuts into line in front of me and as disgusted as I am by such attitudes, the phrase 'Survival of the fittest' flashes through my mind. In this modern day, the line between right and wrong fades into a thick blur, evolving into desperate attempts of the human race to survive in these trying times.

Is robbing going to end up being a means to an end instead of a deed looked at with contempt. This girl is seriously confused since many large corporations in fact rob the people in broad daylight, and GET AWAY WITH IT. Take for example the rise and fall of fuel prices, a game played by invisible yet tangible forces. It is funny how the majority of people, being the public who should in fact have a say in these matters end up being mere pawns in a high end game of chess between these forces.

If I were to have children in the future, what then would I teach them? The mere thought sends shudders running up and down my spine. Are we going to teach the next generation to fight back and stand their ground, no matter what it takes? Or should we offer the left cheek when punched in the right? Are we encouraging people to live in a world of grey instead of one where black and white are two distinct exclusive colours?

How long can we walk away from trouble before it morphs into an ugly monster trailing us, making any action a pointless remedy....where have all the values of the past generations diminished to? How much power can we allow the little bit of evil imminent in us all before it overtakes us and the world becomes an ugly place. Maybe global warming would stop being our greatest concern because if these attributes are continually endorsed, we would end up killing each other even before the Arctic melts....

A flower from the garden I captured the other day.

Even intriguing beauty like this is easier to figure out.....

Train thoughts

Hello all, 

I know I've abandoned this blog for way too long but I'm back :) and hopefully to stay :P The following was written in a rickety train so forgive the writer if the thoughts penned are as rickety :)

I'm sitting down writing this in the most unlikely of places, one yet undeniably the best to get my thoughts out. The mechanical to-and-fro rocking of the coach right now prohibits the proper jotting down of thoughts as I valiantly balance  3 bags, a book, my Ipod and handphone whilst juggling the task of penning this down. The guy beside me probably thinks I'm a basket case but I simply had to capture the moment in the only way I do best. Writing. 

I remember when i started this blog I did it to immortalize memories that pass me by. I'm a people watcher, even way back when i was 6 or so in the swimming pool, i'd rather soak and idle away and obviously get screamed at by mum :P 

Now, 15 years down the road, little has changed. The best places to observe and watch people in various phases of life is in the LRTs and other public transportation. There's the little child, hyped up on candy and heightened enthusiasm that only children possess, there's the young professional, serious and confident in facing what is most probably the most crucial part of his career, there's the young mother, complete with her platoon of sticky fingers and quick feet, and then there's always the unmistakable sight of young lovers, so absorbed in a world entirely their own, seduced by the syrupy haze of young love. And then, once in a while..you see something that warms you thoroughly from the inside out. 

There's this elderly couple sitting right across the aisle from me sharing a pack of McD fries. As my own pack of fries sits cold and unloved, my gaze is riveted on this couple for in one slice of eternity it gels as if the world has honed and centred on them, so comfortable in the company of each other as they gaze out at the passing countryside. 

I'm right now battling an inner warring of emotions. The jaded side of me scoffs and in one breath crushes out the secreat yearning of the girl in me. Will I too someday get to experience, understand and appreciate the relationship these people share? The ease at which they slip into each other's thoughts, the love and care still so eminent while they speak in muted tones and the clear ring of muffled laughter as they share a private joke. I'm jarred out of this reverie of mine as the elderly man's phone blares out a melody far too antiquated for the people of my generation..

As I restlessly skip through songs on my Ipod, I can't help but wonder...Will I ever learn how to stay still, enjoy the moment instead of flitting restlessly like the butterfly i'm slowly morphing into.....?

Marriage

I've been hearing a lot of weddings lately. And gosh...even my Industrial Management Studies lecturer used a marriage contract as an example of official contracts. Anyway, this has been a pet subject for me to blog about. Anyone who knows me well enough knows what I think about marriage.

The past few months I saw friends of friends tying the knot ( there must be a history behind the use of that phrase...does it imply a hangman's noose knot? ), anyway, these friends would only be around 20 to 22 years and I really really really wonder what madness drove them to end their singledom so early in life. And it's not because of pre-marital 'bundles of joy'. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to hear that they're happy, but there's that skeptic part of me that wonders what's down the road 10, 20 years from now. When their other friends are just only getting married and they're home worrying about schooling their child?

One of the things that sparked this post would be th above-said marriage contract. It was cold, calculated, full of legal jargon and phrases like Mr XXX is sound of mind when this contract was signed...etc etc. Sound of mind...haha....what a phrase to use. There are so many cultural, society and legistral binds and bonds involved in 'holy matrimonial'.You;re not officially married till you walk down the aisle, go for tea ceremonies, get trashed at the reception dinner, face an army of relatives that may or may not mean anything to you, and sit for dinners here and there and everywhere. I mean, go figure the logic behind that.... I once told someone that if I decided to get married, I would just elope. Isn't that a thousand times more romantic and more private? But then of course there would be the hell to face when you get back......

I think I've become really jaded these past years. Heck, I've yet to be 20, and here I am looking at the future with all the enthusiam of going to the dentist for a painful extraction. Isn't this the phase where I get to be oozing silly optimism and making stupid mistakes that I can later tell my grandkids about over evenings filled with laughter and over-sweet teas. And then, maybe this is the biggest mistake I'm going to be making............

The last wedding I heard about I found myself wishing the couple the best for the future. I hope that in another decade to come the bride stays radiant, the groom stays smitten and I really really hope that for once at least, fairytales and dreams do come true and happily ever after isn't just a phrase limited in storybooks for little girls.

Past n Present

It’s been eons since the last time I logged in and actually blogged something. The semester holidays have breezed past, just as always, and I find myself being once again swept away by the hectic currents of assignments and projects. Did I mention I have a midterm project coming up? Beastly thing.

Before the holidays started, I made it a point to at least blog, but I know I didn’t. It wasn’t so much of lack of inspiration because there were so so many things to blog about the last few weeks. But then again, those thoughts would have been too appalling to pen down and too angsty to be reader-friendly. The main reason I’m blogging right now would be because it’s a darn good excuse for putting off doing my homework, which has already started piling up although this is just the 3rd day of school.

So, here’s a quick run-through of the past month and bits of events and thoughts that flitted through my mind:

1 Feb – Dad brought home our cheeky ‘angel’ that came rapped in a four-legged furry black package, complete with waggy tail and eager licks.

7 Feb – Chinese New Year came and past, thank God for that. I know some people love the whole idea of noisy music, the literal ‘painting the town red’ theme, heart-clogging consumption of peanuts and fried goodies, the clink-clank of mahjong tiles interspersed with the constant shouts and bellows of triumph and no orchestra’s complete without the background accompaniment of women exchanging the latest juicy bit of gossip, but to me Chinese New Year is pretty much like a visit to the dentist. It’s something inevitable that’s best done and be over with quick. I know it’s all part of being able to embrace the whole Chinese culture thing but relatives who see me once in a blue moon and try to pretend they know anything at all about me irks me.

9 Feb – Had a pretty enjoyable night at The boy’s place. Highlights of the night would be watching the cutest lion dance performance and being around a houseful of active happy noisy kids ( some part during that night I set out gridlines for my future kids, that is if I ever have any… I’m gonna teach them the best game of all…playing pretend that they’re mimes for at least 4 days a week……)

14 Feb – A day that needs no introduction. It was during this day that I realized that most of us got the whole idea all screwed up being led like lambs to the slaughter by commercialization and what-nots. Valentine’s a day to celebrate love between one another, fellow humans, friends, family, people who mean something to us but somewhere along the way, especially amongst certain communities it’s become an unwritten law that it’s to be confined within couples. And as for paying quintuple times the price for dinner and flowers, honey, how much more sillier can people get?

27 Feb – The first time I never thought of sanitizers as I held a shaking, puking puppy in the car. Also the first time I got vomit stuck in my hair and not minding as long as she lived. Terror never slunk its cruel vise around my heart as it did that moment.

3 Mar – Classes continued, assignments were passed around, and exam results were almost equated to taboo around campus.

The end and the new beginning

Like every other normal day, the clock has struck 12. The only distinction this time is that we'll no longer be flippin the pages of last year's calender. It is 2008 today. How surreal it is that in the difference of a minute we are leaving behind a whole year and taking the first steps into the next year. Will it be promising? Will there be pots of gold to seek at the ends of rainbows? Will there be heartache and sorrow? Will there be big changes and will we be able to learn at the end of this new born year?

New year's resolutions have been made and hopefully adhered to, new hopes and promises have been secretly stashed and the new year has dawned cheery and sunny. My finals are coming nearer and nearer to me and thus, here I am wishing all a Happy New Year and may this new year bring buckets of health and happiness to you.

Cheers!

Till We Meet Again

What does one do when one's beloved pet is called home?

No words can be great enough to express the feelings of loss and grief.

On the 27th of December 2007, you decided to go back where you came from. You were more of a family member than a pet, more a friend than a guardian, You were fiercely loyal, amusingly funny, amazingly smart and comfortingly close whenever we needed you. We have no doubt that you would have gladly laid down your life to protect any of us at any time.

I shall always regret the fact that I never got to say goodbye. Now, there wouldn't be anyone to fight for the door with me ever again, nor will there be the four legged baby waiting to be tickled. Never will there be another so eager for a tummy rub, nor wlll there be another who pulls off mischief while managing to look innocently adorable at the same time. You were the lion guarding the gates but to me, I'll always always see the puppy no larger than a tiny ball of fur, whose feet could transform into a speed machine to rival that of the latest Ferrari, who, even at that first few tentative moments managed to wriggle a large large place in all our hearts.

I now seek comfort in knowing that all dogs go to heaven. You were deviously handsome but deep down you were that special angel that God sometimes sends along to us mortals and though you're no longer here with us, the memory of your clownish antics will continue to evoke whimsical smiles. and the years of steadfast companionship will keep its dam of memories forever and always.

Till we meet again....
Lots of love.

Apples and hearts

First off, I've been deprived of the privilege of blogging thanks to a mountain of work which I am currently residing under. This is of course the by-product of procrastination and I have no one to blame other than yours truly. Right now my throat feels awful and sore and I'm imbibing gallons of water coz falling sick in hostel sucks big time.

Haha, on a lighter note, I captured this pic while peeling me apple. Heart!

Right now, I really really really neeed a hug. Haha, toodles!

The story of us

If I were to flashback this exact day to exactly a year ago, I would still be single and missing out on one of the greatest blessings in my life.

More than a year ago, we were merely acquaintances in a large world of other acquaintances. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought of us together. Our journey began with a crazy lady to whom I owe a bit of thanks in her inadvertant role in the turn of things. In a very cliche manner our friendship budded over the wonders of a blue trimmed MSN chatbox in which I missed out on a lot of sleep. Chatting throughout the day never seemed to be enough and those chats would be transferred to SMSes when either one or both of us were away from the computer.

Through outings which can only be described as awkward and silent, we progressed into friends and later into something more deeper and meaningful. After he went off for his NS stint, I thought to myself, well, there he goes, another friend to have walked through my heart and there I thought our paths would never meet again. Somehow, we kept in touch.

Now, looking back at all those months, I'm left again in this very cliche situation where words are beyond me. Nothing can measure the depth of feelings I have for you and I find myself just wanting to say thank you.

Thank you, you, for being all that you are.
Thank you, you, for 'layaning' my nonsense
Thank you,you, for keeping me company through the night and never once laughing at my fear for supernatural things though I know what you think of those.
Thank you, you, for all the little things you do for me and never realise I notice, that mean so so so much.
Thank you, you, for your long talks on leukemia and other oh so scary diseases that come from a few of my favourite foods ;P
Thank you, you, for loving me

Baby it's been a whirlwind year of exciting discoveries, of laughs and fits of sulking on my part in which you always always cheer me up. You never realise how adorable you are to me especially when you concentrate on something so intently you never realise my little smile as I look on. I remember one night when we had an awful row and in a fit of immaturity I kept saying how much I hated you but you never let go and instead told me you'll never stop loving me. As I look back at all that has happened, and the strength of the foundation that love has built and at how right it feels just hearing your voice or how being near you lights me up, I am amazed how I could have thought once, not too long ago that we would never make it together.

I could list out an infinity of reasons why I love you so much, but they would all boil down to 3 simple words. I love you, because................ I just do.

Happy anniversary baby. Here's to looking forward to many many many many many more wonderful and crazy years together.

Jo

Life doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful

How many times have we stopped counting our blessings? How many times have we forgotten about others and whine about nothing at all. I do admit to having my habitual bouts of 'depression' and getting all hyped up and emotional over nothing.

I admit to being a really weak Christian. In times when my faith is challenged, I break under the pressure of it. But no more. This is a war that Satan is never going to win. Oh, how many times have I allowed satan to invade my thoughts and poison their flow. How many times have I allowed that little voice to whisper 'What if".

Have you ever bargained with God? I remember being young and when grandma was ill, I did a lot of bargaining. I promised to be good, I promised to be obedient, I promised everything that the 10 year old me could come up with. And then I had a series of awful dreams whereby one by one the people around me left. But as the years progressed and after making countless mountains out of mole hills, it dawned on me that we all already have the bargaining chip in our palms. Faith. All God seeks is faith and the path will be clear.

Life doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful. It's in conquering all our daily fears. Little victories that bring great impact. It's in waking up every morning and being able to see the sun come up. It's in every easy breath we take while some are suffering even for the next breath. It's in being able to hear the voice of your loved ones. It's in taking those little steps that is the beginning of a victorious journey. A lot of people view trials as punishments, but maybe sometimes it's just a test. God will never give us something we can't handle.

I was surfing and I came upon these verses. God does speak through various ways.

We are persecuted, but God does not leave us. We are hurt sometimes, but we are not destroyed. - 2 Cor 4:9

He gives me new strength. He leads me on paths that are right for the good of His name. -Ps 23:3

In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path. - Proverbs 3:6

I leave you peace; my peace I give you. I do not give it to you as the world does. So don’t let your hearts be troubled or afraid. -John 14: 27

The Lord helps those who have been defeated and takes care of those who are in trouble -Ps 145:14

May they give you as much comfort as they gave me

Daddy's day

I'm sure more than half of the world knows what day it is today, and no, the answer is not Sunday. It's that day when we all thank the special person who usually stays in the background, but without him, a lot of things will be for naught.

This post will be a shoutout to my daddy. For the constant support he gives us. For the times he worried and the times he rejoiced. For the ups and down. For the memories of 'blanket ghosts', 'tunnels and tents' and waking up early in the morning for ladybug hunting. For the things he did and more.

Random memories that coloured my childhood:

• Being very young and throwing a fit begging dad not to go to work in the morning.


• Riding 'horseback' around the house.


• Playdoh afternoons


• Midnight feasts


• Evenings in DR Park


• Waiting for him to come back from being 'outstation' to show him the gap after I lost my first teeth at age six and a half, feeling all grown up.


• Gummy bears and cola worms


• Rojak and Cendol in the evening


• The way he was the only one I allowed to pull out my shaky baby teeth believing he was the only one able to do it painlessly


• Bullying sausages

Here's to you on this special day. Happy Daddy's Day. <3<3

Results ranting

For what it's worth, I got my exam results today. I managed to maintain the 4.0 CGPA. Odd thing is, know what I feel? Nothing. I don't feel anything. No joy, no happiness, no gush of heady euphoria. Just an abyss of nothingness. When people walk by me and say, oh, you're sure going to get your full marks again, all I felt like doing was slapping them and asking them go take a hike. I know this is not a good attitude. Usually people tell me, of course,no surprise, it's expected that you'll get good results. All I do in lieu of a response is grit my teeth, bite back a sarcastic remark and offer a semblance of a smile. I just hate it when people refer to me as 'top student'. Ya, you're allowed to call me weird. But all I wanna be right now is me. I don't want to be the person you run to only when you need help. I don't want to second guess your motives. I want people to be my friends. Just that and nothing else. No strings attached. I don't want fake poeple around me. I don't want people to 'compare' with me. What am I to you anyway? A walking brain? A challenge to boost your ego? If I were to get into some mishap some day, would any of you who claim to be 'friends' even bother?

When I left high school, I was determined to leave all that comparing marks thing behind. Even then, I never bothered to sum up my marks to 'compare' with the next person. Usually it was other people who would go around collecting marks and then writing out their own position charts, even faster than the school computers were able to. I mean, seriously, why are we all acting like braggy housewives who go "You know ar, my son is this this this" and then housewive number 2 goes "Aiya, my son not that good only, 100 marks only ma". Know what all these are? Superficial! I do not like people asking me my marks. I do not take indulgence when people call me 'smart' and go, how I wish I was like you. If you want to be envious, if you want to be petty, then you are not my friend because I do not need parasites like you to affect me emotionally. I've lost 'friends' this way, but all I can do is shrug and go on with life for it is then that you realise how much some people really count.

Have you ever been in a situation where you can't trust anyone around you? It's a very emotionally draining position to be in. Is your neighbour a backstabber? Is your 'friend' planning to make you stumble even as he/she helps you up? What do the people around you really see you as? Is it you they see or some ulterior goal they secretly lust for. The people I trust are less than a handful. But I don't need any more than that. And for that I thank God for sending me some true people. To those who have really been with me through times when I needed real people, not hypocrites, I'm ever grateful for your straightforwardness. I think you know who you are *wink*

Of ice and bruises....in exactly that order...

First off, I'm sorry for always being 'Missing in Action' these days. For those of you kind people who are still sticking around this blog for updates, thank you, and here's one for you. =P

You know how when someone gets bruises, then you put ice on the bruises? Well, me being the clumsy oaf that I am, had to reverse it. Ice first, then bruises. If you haven't figured out yet, I went skating yesterday. Was something impromptu since classes were canceled and we had a big chunk of the whole day off. Our last class ended at 1pm and so we grabbed some lunch and zoomed off to Sunway. The whole journey would have not taken so long if we hadn't had to wait so long for the bus to come. How ironic that the name of that particular bus company is 'Rapid'.

Anyway, we went there in blissful oblivion that it was now the school holidays, so besides having to pay more, we had to share the rink with the holiday crowd. Now, I know close to nothing about skating, I mean, I'm the girl who literally trips over her own feet...skating? Laughable. But then, it's a new year and I've made resolutions to be different and more daring so I thought, heck, I'd give it a shot. I mean how hard could walking on ice be ya?

Oh man, I.was.so.wrong! The moment I stepped into the rink, my feet refused to listen to my brain with wanton abundance. I had to grab on to the side bar and hang on for dear life. Dear me, it's like being in a whole world where friction ceases to exist and you find your feet jelly-ing away ahead of you. The fact that only one friend knew how to skate amongst us didn't help matters at all.

As a conclusion, I traveled halfway across the state, paid pretty good money and spent so much time playing the waiting game just to find out that my legs could be the most stubborn things, fall down, make a mighty fool of myself and whine like a baby after it all. As expected, new skaters would fall down, but then me being me, I couldn't get up after that. And as if falling down not so tenderly on my derriere wasn't bad enough, my friends, being beginners themselves couldn't help me up and I was struggling and falling again and again, consequently, I had to have a 10 year old boy help me up and then telling me in this very adult voice "Next time kneel first!" To add to all that mortification, after I managed to drag myself up, a little girl of about 6 years old tapped me and said "Jie jie, nah" and offered me her hand. Oh Gawd, I so wanted to clobber myself, I just smiled at her, declined, said thank you and prayed fervently to God that I wouldn't fall again.

At the end of the day, I can't say I left empty-handed, I got to take back some interesting souvenirs. I've always said I wanted a tattoo so I guess God decided to grant me my wish since I now have pretty colourful bruises in various places so i can forget about wearing skirts and shorts for the time being. Hah, be careful what you wish for. Something tells me my right arm is going to be rendered useless pretty soon and it hurts to sit without a soft cushion right now.

All in all, given the opportunity, I would do it all again. I'm determined to at least learn how to skate. The next time I go, I'm gonna go with someone who knows how to skate. Then at least I wouldn't have only the side-bar as a consoling friend.

There are more updates coming soon, but I think that's all for now. I need to go lick my wounds. Or salve them. Whichever suits you best. Toodles!

Late Night Ramblings

Reading other people's blogs makes me dawn upon this realization that 'perfect' doesn't exist. If you think your life is far from perfect and your neighbour's life is everything you want it to be, then I suggest you pull the reins on that thought and take a closer look. We always wish we had what others we deem 'lucky' have. A commoner envies the fame and recognition of those who bask in the spotlight and adoration of others while those who never seem to escape the glare of fame envy the common man's indulgent privacy.

The transition from girlhood to teenagehood has been an eye-opener for me. The eternal pessimist would live by the philosophy that if one has low expectations than one would also have low chances of dissapointments. This blogger happens to be a cynic masquerading as an optimist so I shall say that if one has no goals, then how can one better oneself? Of one has no dreams, then how can one achieve dreams come true? I have dreams. Lots of them. But in time, I stopped believing in them. That's what that phase so loosely termed growing up does to you. Somewhere along the line, you just stop believing.

I'm a month shy from being nineteen. Young, in some eyes. Maybe I'm not as 'wise' or world-weary as I seem to think myself to be. Maybe I shouldn't have spent so much time in the company of jaded people. Have you ever had that tendency to just run away sometimes? Just let go and run. Run and run and never stop. Never look back. But then that's not what we can do in life. We have responsibilities to fulfill, those invisible bonds with steely unrelenting vices that bind us and ground us even in our rebellion.

There's really no such thing as the perfect life. There's the perfect moment, the perfect second, maybe even stretch it to the perfect day, but there's no such thing as the perfect life. MAybe that's why we all crave for a piece of heaven now and then.

A little story

I was bored and inanimate one day, when Bunny came up with a story to fill in the gaping mouth of silence. I've decided to post this story up to share, and to immortalize it in my memory bank. So, here goes

There was once a little boy named Roger. One day he was walking in the forest and he got lost. He walked deeper and deeper. He was tired so he looked for a place to rest. He found a tree and climbed up onto one of the branches. He soon fell asleep. When he woke up, he found himself in a tent, surrounded by little people with pointy ears and funny looking faces.

He asked where is he and asked how to get out. The little weird guy with the pointy ears introducd himself as Kino, and he is now in the Minikin village, he told him they are called Minikins, he told Roger they found him on the tree and it is dangerous coz the Evilflies will catch him if they find him. Roger laughed. He said there are no such things and asked the Minikins how to get out, the Minikins asked him not to leave but he said, nothing can scare me, Evilflies? Never heard of them. The Minikins can do nothing but direct him out. Once outside, Roger was feeling strange, he realized everything was different, no trees but big tall bushes. He walked and walked and then he felt the ground shaking. Suddenly a group of giant ants with black like creatures with wings riding on them was marching towards him, he thought, giant ants? It can’t be, but he was so afraid, he ran.

Then the black creature on the ants spotted him and said to his friends, catch that creature. Roger ran faster and faster but the ants were just too fast. Suddenly Kino the Minikin appear from the ground and called Roger, here boy, Roger ran into the hole in the ground and hid. Roger asked Kino what are those and Kino said the black creature with wings are the Evilflies, they have wings but can’t fly, They are evil and they forced the ants to be their slaves. Kino told Roger that the Evilflies and the Minikins have been enemies for centuries.

At the Minikin village, he learnt how to work with others and made many new friends. Roger told Kino that he didn’t have any friends before he came here. Kino asked why and Roger said it’z coz he was selfish, all he thought about was himself. Roger continued and said that if he really gets back to his world, he will change. Kino smiled ans said good for him.

The night was drawing near. Kino said that the Evilflies are most aggressive at night and will try to destroy the Minikins village. The Minikins were busy setting everything to be prepared if the Miniflies were to attack. That night the Evilflies really did attack and the Minikins were all captured. Including Roger.

Roger was not a Minikin so he was brought to the Evilflies King. He asked Roger what is his origin. Roger told him but the King had never heard of such a thing before. Roger asked why do the Evilflies want to conquer everything? The King answered coz they do it for fun. The King was angry that Roger questioned him and Roger was sent back to the cell with the rest of the slaves.

At the cell not only the slave ants were there but others like the beetles and other creatures were there too. Roger and the Minikins talked to the other creatures and together devised a plan to free everyone. The next morning when the Evilflies came and open the cell to force them into slavery, they rushed out. All the creatures worked together to defeat the Evilflies. Soon they won. Even they Fireflies King was captured. All the creatures were happy and shouted kill the Evilflies. Then Roger and the Minikin persuaded the creatures not to do so but release them in harmony. The King was touched and promised never again to do evil anymore. The Evilflies were released and they never again bully the others but lived in harmony together. Roger was happy but he missed home. One night while Roger was looking up at the stars, he slept. He woke up realizing that he was back on the tree he once was on. It was only a dream. Suddenlly there was a bright light, a voice saying, “Son, you have grown up, never again be selfish but love and care for others” The light went away. Roger knew it was God. Suddenly he saw light and heard his parents’ voice. Back at school, Roger changed and made many good friends. The end.

After all that hardcore criminology, mythology, detective, murder books I've been diligently devouring, this story was so cute I couldn't help smiling. Zooms me back to those days when things were so much simpler. Might not be Pulitzer Prize material to some of you, but then it was one of the best light story I've ever read simply because the gesture itself spoke volumes.... By the way, the entire bulk of the story was sent through SMS. Imagine that. So sweet can? =P

Happy Mother's Day!

Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray

Image taken from www.digitalplayboy.co.uk

Today’s a very special day dedicated to……the bane of sleeping late into the day, the superhero who tramples your fears and turns them into putty, the queen of that little kingdom called home, and the star of this day….mummy!

I planned to write a long, lengthy post in accordance with this very special day, but then I find myself at a lost for words. No great post can depict your love and your sacrifices. I admit, I haven’t exactly been the greatest daughter on earth and I have done things to cause you pain, either consciously or inadvertently.

My mother, zany, cool, and I quote, “Forever 21” is the bright spark of my life. My fashion critique who also moonlights as my fashion consultant and fellow shoe lover, who fed me bits of fashion sense together with my daily vitamins. Not many girls would trust their mothers to advice them on fashion but my mother, coupled with my very capable brother, make a perfect team.

At most times, you are my trusty but ‘blur’ partner in crime, insomnia chat partner, who more often than not dozes of midway, my video serial watching comrade, life strategist, fellow impulsive shopper, and the jolly contributor to the delicious murder of my waistline.

No words would be enough to write about your influence in my life, no post will be lengthy enough to picture your sacrifices so here’s a little gesture of mine to show my appreciation to you on this special day. Mother’s Day can be everyday but for once I shall do as everyone else does. This post, is dedicated specially to you.

4 words to describe you – One of a kind
3 words I would like to say to you – I love you
2 words to describe your love – Unchanging forever
One word to describe the bestest person to light up my day..Mummy

Happy Mother’s Day