Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Results ranting

For what it's worth, I got my exam results today. I managed to maintain the 4.0 CGPA. Odd thing is, know what I feel? Nothing. I don't feel anything. No joy, no happiness, no gush of heady euphoria. Just an abyss of nothingness. When people walk by me and say, oh, you're sure going to get your full marks again, all I felt like doing was slapping them and asking them go take a hike. I know this is not a good attitude. Usually people tell me, of course,no surprise, it's expected that you'll get good results. All I do in lieu of a response is grit my teeth, bite back a sarcastic remark and offer a semblance of a smile. I just hate it when people refer to me as 'top student'. Ya, you're allowed to call me weird. But all I wanna be right now is me. I don't want to be the person you run to only when you need help. I don't want to second guess your motives. I want people to be my friends. Just that and nothing else. No strings attached. I don't want fake poeple around me. I don't want people to 'compare' with me. What am I to you anyway? A walking brain? A challenge to boost your ego? If I were to get into some mishap some day, would any of you who claim to be 'friends' even bother?

When I left high school, I was determined to leave all that comparing marks thing behind. Even then, I never bothered to sum up my marks to 'compare' with the next person. Usually it was other people who would go around collecting marks and then writing out their own position charts, even faster than the school computers were able to. I mean, seriously, why are we all acting like braggy housewives who go "You know ar, my son is this this this" and then housewive number 2 goes "Aiya, my son not that good only, 100 marks only ma". Know what all these are? Superficial! I do not like people asking me my marks. I do not take indulgence when people call me 'smart' and go, how I wish I was like you. If you want to be envious, if you want to be petty, then you are not my friend because I do not need parasites like you to affect me emotionally. I've lost 'friends' this way, but all I can do is shrug and go on with life for it is then that you realise how much some people really count.

Have you ever been in a situation where you can't trust anyone around you? It's a very emotionally draining position to be in. Is your neighbour a backstabber? Is your 'friend' planning to make you stumble even as he/she helps you up? What do the people around you really see you as? Is it you they see or some ulterior goal they secretly lust for. The people I trust are less than a handful. But I don't need any more than that. And for that I thank God for sending me some true people. To those who have really been with me through times when I needed real people, not hypocrites, I'm ever grateful for your straightforwardness. I think you know who you are *wink*


Fiona said...

hey girl! congrats! always knew you can do it! keep it up ya! so happy for you..hehe... :o)

Bunny said...

You don't need to care what people say. Your results are good because of the hard work you put in. You deserve it. Congrats dear