Monday, April 20, 2009

Unsent letter

Dear Urchin,

The sole reason this letter shall remain unsent is only because my parents had the sense to teach me the 7 letter word. MANNERS. We love getting letters. Parcels of surprise in crusty paper envelopes. Some lovely, some amusing, some annoying and some, some makes my blood boil so.
Having deciphered your hardly legible scrawl, I made out the following :

Pls behave your dog
We want to rest, okay!
P/s Your dog always so noisy.

I shall do you a favour and break down this long letter in point form as thus :
#1 : The dog has no reason to bark if you don't insist on playing taunt-a-boo with it daily
#2 : If you want to send a letter of admonishment, have the sense to do so in proper English! My grammar has already been suffering and help from you is really not appreciated.
#3 : As much as I adore children, ill-mannered brats just don't make the cut
#4 : Oh, and I'm sure you've been taught that letters should be signed by the sender, but I guess there just isn't an euphemism for there?
#5 : Whilst on the subject of lessons, let me teach you the 4 letter word. R-U-D-E. It's an adjective describing actions such as yours. I'm feeling generous so I'll throw in another lesson on how to use this word. Your underhanded methods were blinking rude. Maybe your mother never had the time to teach you tat you don't simply go around proclaiming love and adoration without a face-to-face encounter first. Come on over instead for a friendly chat and I will see reason.
#6 : Unlike you, I possess neither the talent nor the penchant to entertain the entire neighbourhood with my midnightly soprano opera performance.
#7 : Correct me if I'm wrong but occasional low barks certainly isn't a match to the keening wail of a banshee.
#8 : It is NOT funny throwing used plastic bottles into my compound. Haven't you heard of Reuse, Reduce and Recycle? Maybe you're trying out the Recycle part but you don't see this sign
 on my you??

#9 : We've tolerated your nonsense far too long. Common cow sense dictates that aggravating the dog causes it to get more excited, thus more noise. Simple cause and effect. Let me illustrate with an example. If I chose to slap you, you turn black and blue. See? Cause, and effect. 
#10 : Please behave yourself. I'm sure an intelligent child like you is more susceptible to training than a four legged canine with half your brain capacity....

Ah..the boiling has quietened to a pleasant simmer...and with that, I rest my case. 

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