Use somebody

I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see,

Painted faces fill the places I can't reach

-Use Somebody, Kings of Leon

The phrase ‘use and throw’ used to be only limited to disposable items, eating utensils, toiletries, diapers, well, you get the picture. I must have been sleeping in an entirely foreign land and missed the moment the phrase applied to ‘friends’ too.

When I build friendships, I lay the founding bricks in small, hesitant pieces. But when I finally trust, I tend to go all in, full throttle, all or nothing. That is probably the reason why I’m always finding myself the victim of crash and burns, hit and runs.

At times I feel like confronting these tormentors of mine. “Hey! I know what you’re up to”. Truth is, I think I lack not the courage for confrontation but rather the strength to search alone again. I’m naïve enough to lay all my trust repeatedly in the person who takes it, that fragile little globe of feeling and crush it. And as I lay in the middle of the glittering splinters of my hopes and dreams, I see despair, desperation and knowledge that this would have happened through tear-blind eyes.

I’m tired of second-guessing intentions. I’m tired of trying to pry through the masks that people don. I need to know that when I lean in and whisper a secret, you’ll keep it in your heart, just like I would yours. I need to know that when I fall, you’d laugh with me, not at me. I need to know that when I reach out, blind in the dark, you’d be my eyes, ears and heart. I need to be stupid, but right for once.

Call me silly if you want to, I’m adamant to live my fantasy. That fantasy where people really, truly care for the person that I am, not what I can do for them. Rude awakenings will only harden my resolve. I’m stubborn enough to want to look at the glass as half full. Maybe it’s to my detriment that I prefer to find friends for keeps, not keep friends for use. Right now, I really could use somebody...