Fatigued

When it comes to life, we spin our own yarn, and where we end up is really in fact, where we always intended to be - Julia Glass, Three Junes, pg 286

It's deja vu all over again, and I find myself yet again at the crossroads in life. People tell me my future is bright (is that a standard thing you tell anyone with an uncertain future, perhaps to imbue them with a hope that's fleeing and slipping.. ) but the thing is, all I see is uncertainty and bleakness.

It's so not me to be having consecutive down days. I usually bounce back hard and fast, but the problem is I don't know anymore where I'm heading and what I want. I know of people my age who are about to be mothers, and here I am, failing miserably at getting a grip on my own life. Am I pushing too hard, am I not trying hard enough, is enough ever enough ?

I've tried so hard to find beauty in the obscurest of things. And in many instances I do find beauty in places I least expect. Spurts of joy and laughter in every day, but at times I'm down and beat and I feel like giving up on this race, on hopes and dreams that suddenly feel like burdens and things-I-wanted-to-do-whilst-I-was-young.

I'm still on my break, till I fly off in June to finish up my degree. In this short period ( believe you me, 2 months is NOT long, it's really short when you have a gazillion things to do ) I actually drew up plans on things to do, in order to industrialize my time.

• Work for money for UK ( because contrary to popular belief, I don't delight in spending Daddy and Mommy's hard earned money ) 
• Read, read and read ( so far I've failed miserably at this, time seems to be outrunning me, laughing and teasing , always two steps out of my reach ) 
• Learn a foreign language, preferably Italian or French ( I know, just humour me ) 
• Brush up on Mandarin, notwithstanding the fact that it's non-existent 
• Knit, sew, stitch (don't ask ! ) 
• Learn how to cook ( pivotal for survival ) 
• Find some time for fun ( equally pivotal for survival ... ) 
• Figure out what to do upon graduation , study/work/come back marry a prince and have a brood of Princelings .. = p  ( all I seem to be doing is getting my hopes up high only to have them deflated again ) 

In the arrogance that youth gives, I thought I could do all that and more. I used to wake up early, go swimming, go for lab sessions and classes, come back and write reports, juggle assignments, study, solve a ton of math solutions, cook dinner (yes, I used to cook ... boiled cabbages anyone? *don't laugh!* ) catch a movie AND read a book before I sleep. Now I wake up, write, read a little, work work work and I'm already woozy by dinnertime, nevermind the things-I-wanted-to-do-whilst-I-was-young list that continually mocks me. Is this what getting old feels like ?? 

In me, one of those flaws had proven to be a chronic restlessness; an inability to appreciate, no matter how well things are going, those blessings that were right there in front of me. It's a flaw that is endemic to modern life, I think - Barack Obama, The Audacity of Hope, pg 3. 

I think I've just been diagnosed by the President. *sigh* For now I pray for patience, and understanding. Perhaps one day I will find my place in this big, magnificent world.