Thursday, April 01, 2010


When it comes to life, we spin our own yarn, and where we end up is really in fact, where we always intended to be - Julia Glass, Three Junes, pg 286

It's deja vu all over again, and I find myself yet again at the crossroads in life. People tell me my future is bright (is that a standard thing you tell anyone with an uncertain future, perhaps to imbue them with a hope that's fleeing and slipping.. ) but the thing is, all I see is uncertainty and bleakness.

It's so not me to be having consecutive down days. I usually bounce back hard and fast, but the problem is I don't know anymore where I'm heading and what I want. I know of people my age who are about to be mothers, and here I am, failing miserably at getting a grip on my own life. Am I pushing too hard, am I not trying hard enough, is enough ever enough ?

I've tried so hard to find beauty in the obscurest of things. And in many instances I do find beauty in places I least expect. Spurts of joy and laughter in every day, but at times I'm down and beat and I feel like giving up on this race, on hopes and dreams that suddenly feel like burdens and things-I-wanted-to-do-whilst-I-was-young.

I'm still on my break, till I fly off in June to finish up my degree. In this short period ( believe you me, 2 months is NOT long, it's really short when you have a gazillion things to do ) I actually drew up plans on things to do, in order to industrialize my time.

  • Work for money for UK ( because contrary to popular belief, I don't delight in spending Daddy and Mommy's hard earned money ) 
  • Read, read and read ( so far I've failed miserably at this, time seems to be outrunning me, laughing and teasing , always two steps out of my reach ) 
  • Learn a foreign language, preferably Italian or French ( I know, just humour me ) 
  • Brush up on Mandarin, notwithstanding the fact that it's non-existent 
  • Knit, sew, stitch (don't ask ! ) 
  • Learn how to cook ( pivotal for survival ) 
  • Find some time for fun ( equally pivotal for survival ... ) 
  • Figure out what to do upon graduation , study/work/come back marry a prince and have a brood of Princelings .. = p  ( all I seem to be doing is getting my hopes up high only to have them deflated again ) 

In the arrogance that youth gives, I thought I could do all that and more. I used to wake up early, go swimming, go for lab sessions and classes, come back and write reports, juggle assignments, study, solve a ton of math solutions, cook dinner (yes, I used to cook ... boiled cabbages anyone? *don't laugh!* ) catch a movie AND read a book before I sleep. Now I wake up, write, read a little, work work work and I'm already woozy by dinnertime, nevermind the things-I-wanted-to-do-whilst-I-was-young list that continually mocks me. Is this what getting old feels like ?? 

In me, one of those flaws had proven to be a chronic restlessness; an inability to appreciate, no matter how well things are going, those blessings that were right there in front of me. It's a flaw that is endemic to modern life, I think - Barack Obama, The Audacity of Hope, pg 3

I think I've just been diagnosed by the President. *sigh* For now I pray for patience, and understanding. Perhaps one day I will find my place in this big, magnificent world.


smallkucing said...

a deep thinker. Hope you find your path. No rush.

suituapui said...

Relax...unwind... Find things to do that delight you. Pamper yourself sometimes. Reward you will feel that you deserve it.

Life is too short to waste, live it! Don't end up like a time bomb wit a very short fuse - when that explodes, it will not be a very pretty sight!

Joanna said...

Kathy : Thanks :) I'm learning how to be patient. One step at a time ...

STP : Thanks so much for dropping the advice :) I sure hope I don't explode, unless it's to explode with happiness and a new zest for life :)

Anonymous said...

Actuali, we cant decide what we r goin to do in future, even tho u can predict it. future is consists of unknown. do u like de life which is oredy planned when u r birth? life is full of challenges n u will have lots of chances if u willing to try. if u dunoe wat wil be ur destination , y dun u move one step forward. mayb u can find where u wana to stay in de journey.

Joanna said...

Anon : Hey there, true how much we can't predict the future, neither will we know what the future holds... was having a rough patch, so a little high drama :p Thanks for the comment, and the much valued advice ... :)

owl_order said...

nice aspiring list you have there. what a way to make your vacation meaningful!

good luck looking for a job in UK! trust me, it's not easy, especially with the crisis and all. but lucky you, GBP is cheap(er) now.