Sunday, July 30, 2006

The beginning? The end?

I wanted to write something uplifting today. But I'm simply not in the mood to do so. I want to rant and scream and swear and curse and kick and throw something but no, I'm holding on to the last thread of composure as if my very life depended on it. My msn display picture currently reads "I will not give up, I will not give in." And I'm seriously psych-ing myself to do so.

College so far, in all it's naked 'glory', bare truth, and painful honesty, SUCKS! At least for me it does. Maybe the problem lies within me. They say college life is the best time of your life. But I've tried, I've tried really hard to learn to adapt but I can't. It's awful here if you don't speak Mandarin, and your Cantonese is mediocre. And people think you're a snotty b**** because of that. And they tell you " You know, knowing how to speak English alone is not good..." Well, thank you very much, but I'm very well aware of that fact. Why is it that they laugh at you when you're trying to learn but then they tell you it's 'not good' not to be able to speak Chinese. Ya, my Cantonese sucks, my Mandarin is unintelligible. BEAR WITH IT ! I'm trying hard too, you don't see me commenting on your 'excellent' command of English. Sometimes, I don't even know why I bother.

It's been close to 3 months since I left home for college. And by each passing day, I miss my Ipoh friends more and more. What Ms. Pushpa said last time during Eng. Lit. was so true. Friends you make in college will never share the same bond as those friends you had all the way through primary and secondary school. I miss them so much. In a way, I took the times we shared together for granted. But I know now that they share a part of me that no one else will ever be able to replace. People here are little more than acquintances. Passing ships in life. You never know what you have until you lose it. How painfully, achingly true.

Mum told me that when God gives you a test, he'll not give you something you can't handle. I hope I'll be able to overcome all this. The frustration I'm suppresing deep inside is coming very close to the surface. I can't go anywhere alone in this 'pleasant' area because it's way too freaking dangerous.It's hard to find friends here because I don't speak the common language. If only you know how much I miss you. Sigh. I may be just making a mountain out of a mole-hill. I hope so. Is this the end of the beginning or the beginning of the end?

Oddly enough, I feel infinitely better after letting all this out. I think I'll call it a day. With that...I bid you all goodnight.


Jarod said...

well life in college does suck. at least for the 1st 6 months. then later it become bearable. after that, it all depends on you. however, i know not of anybody who said they hated college AFTER they left it and go into the working world. so believe me when i say college will be your best time of your young adult life.

as for those who laughs at your unintelligible mandarin and so-so cantonese, i have one word... perseverance. do your best to learn it but if not don't fret too much about it. when the real working world comes a-calling, we'll see who has the last laugh.

your oldest cousin has spoken. erm... i mean eldest... i'm not old... :P

Maverick said...

I couldn't agree more with Jarod. My first six months here in UTP sucked too - I almost didn't finish a couple of assignments on time, had to skip sleep to prepare for exams, procrastinated till I had mountains of work piled on my desk.

As for the language problems, it's reminiscent of what I faced at work. My colleagues were horrified that I couldn't properly speak Mandarin or Cantonese. Somehow I persevered and pulled through slightly bruised, but still in one piece. Now I'm trying to get Henry and my other friends here to coach me in the subtleties of Chinese (both Mandarin and Cantonese), heh.

But if things do get tough and the going seems nigh near impossible, take a moment to ring your best buddies up (or just message them) and let loose a little steam. Glad blogging helps reduce the tension for you, too.

~verus rara avis~

Joanna said...

haha, thanks guys for the encouragement. Really appreciate it. I'm looking forward to the sem break. Haha, 20 wonderful wonderful days

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