The beginning? The end?

I wanted to write something uplifting today. But I'm simply not in the mood to do so. I want to rant and scream and swear and curse and kick and throw something but no, I'm holding on to the last thread of composure as if my very life depended on it. My msn display picture currently reads "I will not give up, I will not give in." And I'm seriously psych-ing myself to do so.

College so far, in all it's naked 'glory', bare truth, and painful honesty, SUCKS! At least for me it does. Maybe the problem lies within me. They say college life is the best time of your life. But I've tried, I've tried really hard to learn to adapt but I can't. It's awful here if you don't speak Mandarin, and your Cantonese is mediocre. And people think you're a snotty b**** because of that. And they tell you " You know, knowing how to speak English alone is not good..." Well, thank you very much, but I'm very well aware of that fact. Why is it that they laugh at you when you're trying to learn but then they tell you it's 'not good' not to be able to speak Chinese. Ya, my Cantonese sucks, my Mandarin is unintelligible. BEAR WITH IT ! I'm trying hard too, you don't see me commenting on your 'excellent' command of English. Sometimes, I don't even know why I bother.

It's been close to 3 months since I left home for college. And by each passing day, I miss my Ipoh friends more and more. What Ms. Pushpa said last time during Eng. Lit. was so true. Friends you make in college will never share the same bond as those friends you had all the way through primary and secondary school. I miss them so much. In a way, I took the times we shared together for granted. But I know now that they share a part of me that no one else will ever be able to replace. People here are little more than acquintances. Passing ships in life. You never know what you have until you lose it. How painfully, achingly true.

Mum told me that when God gives you a test, he'll not give you something you can't handle. I hope I'll be able to overcome all this. The frustration I'm suppresing deep inside is coming very close to the surface. I can't go anywhere alone in this 'pleasant' area because it's way too freaking dangerous.It's hard to find friends here because I don't speak the common language. If only you know how much I miss you. Sigh. I may be just making a mountain out of a mole-hill. I hope so. Is this the end of the beginning or the beginning of the end?

Oddly enough, I feel infinitely better after letting all this out. I think I'll call it a day. With that...I bid you all goodnight.

Update on life

Friendship improves happiness and abates misery, by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief- Marcus Tullius Cicero

At last, a proper update. First of all, my apologies for the very belated entry. I've been suffering the aftermath of the latest 'tsunami'. She goes by the name " by-product of that vice called Procrastination". I've been plodding through two fantastic weeks laden with exams and assignment datelines, topped with late nights and natural mascara. How utterly refreshing.

I'm back in Ipoh for the weekend. Home never felt so good. By Friday, throughout lab, I was praying time would pass faster and I groaned inwardly everytime my lecturer dragged on with his lenghty, not so interesting lecture. (when are they ever interesting?)

In the blink of an eye, the weekend has passed and it's time to head back to KL. I spent a wonderful afternoon out today. Besides, I met Fiona and caught up on life. It feels so weird that now we're out of school, and don't meet each other every morning anymore. I found out that a lot of my friends have been doing well in Form 6, how times have changed. I find it hard to believe that we're the same girls who used to wreck havoc in class, skip classes and play with leaves and flowers,hide in the toilet to skip assembly, and had so much fun! Now, we're all grown up and going our separate ways but deep in the recesses of my mind a permanent memory has been embossed. My past, present, and future, all interlinked to form an interminable chain.

I don't really want to go back to KL. Not at all actually. Deep down, I'm an Ipoh girl through and through. My roots have been planted here and to uproot me would simply spell disaster. Fiona asked me today whether I miss Ipoh. Yes, I do. I miss my hometown so much,terribly, and badly. I know I'll never be a KL-ian. I'll just adapt but never accept.

I guess that's all I have to say. In other areas, life has been going well for me. haha, go deduce that yourself.
With that, I'm signing off...

Tata and pleasantess dreams.

When i simply don't have anything better to do

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance. In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Your Personality Is

Guardian (SJ) You are sensible, down to earth, and goal oriented.Bottom line, you are good at playing by the rules. You tend to be dominant - and you are a natural leader.You are interested in rules and order. Morals are important to you. A hard worker, you give your all at whatever you do.You're very serious, and people often tell you to lighten up. In love, you tend to take things carefully and slowly. At work, you are suited to almost any career - but you excel in leadership positions. With others, you tend to be polite and formal. As far as looks go, you are traditionally attractive. You take good care of yourself. On weekends, you tend to like to do organized activities. In fact, you often organize them!

Three Question Personality Test

Your Lucky Love Color is Black

When someone gets to know you, they still make feel a bit intimidated by you.You are alluring and sexy, but you have a dark, dangerous side that you don't hide.And just like your color suggests, you are sophisticated and wise - especially when it comes to men.Your heart is hard to win over. You don't fall in love easily... or often.

About Your Lucky Love Color

Of Elephants and Late Nights

College life has been hectic! Maybe it's because I've been allowing my assignments to 'breed'. Anyway, I qualify as a panda right now. Sigh. Been sleeping late almost every night.

I went swimming yesterday. Spent 4 hours in the pool. Have I said I loved the water yet? I do. I love the feel of it, to be ensconced in it's blanket of comfort. Maybe it's the Cancerian in me. But there's just something that attracts me to it. Let's just call that fate. I never thought I'd be afraid to do anything concerned with the water. I was wrong.

We had plunging (diving) practise yesterday. You see, when I started learning swimming ages ago, I chickened out when it came to diving. It's really scary. At least for me. Anyway, I had to force myself to do it yesterday because there will be a lovely test awaiting me next Tuesday. I wouldn't like to think of the consequences if I fail this.

A friend taught me how to dive. Much to my chagrin, everytime I dived, it was like an elephant jumping into the pool. I always land in pancake style, with a loud 'smack' ! Trust me, it's as painful as it sounds. My abs are killing me now. The reason I landed in pancake style according to the experts is because I lack the guts to jump. I hesitate and just as I leave lovely solid ground, I panic and slam ! I become a splendid pancake.

Here's how it goes. You have to bend down close to 180 degrees, extend your arms up and over your ears, bend your knees, and plunge head down. It freaky because when you're in that position, you're looking into let's say close to 2 metres of deep blue water. It's worse if you're on the board. I'll be shaking inside and this guy's asking me to "Jump! Jump! Use your legs like spring and jump, come on, you have nothing to lose...." and smack ! in I slam. Sigh.

Ah well, I guess I can't say much anymore. I need to go practise some time soon. Wish me luck !

yours sincerely,
-Elephant Pancake-